It's very hard for me to explain how I feel, because it's such a bizarre thing for most others to understand. My problem is that I have my head "in the clouds" too much. I started daydreaming when I was in middle school as a way to escape reality, because I was an outcast and I felt uncomfortable with myself. I used to daydream about being better looking, more outgoing, funnier, having more friends, having all sorts of crazy experiences, etc. The thing is, daydreaming became my main state of mind. I was never really paying attention to the present, I was always off in Lala Land. Basically my attention was always split, the bigger part was always daydreaming and the other part just barely focused on reality so that I could talk if people asked me a question or addressed me.
I did this all through middle school and high school. While I did have a few close friends, I was never popular. Now I'm in college and my life is a little bit better now. I still don't have too many friends (partly because I have the habit of isolating myself and partly because of other circumstances) but nobody bullies me anymore. Actually everyone's really nice to me. My problem is that I now have completely lost the ability to connect with other people around me. I don't know why, I just haven't felt the "spark" of true friendship with anyone. When I hang out with them, I feel like I'm just waiting for the connection to be formed, but it never does. I don't care about them and I don't feel like they truly care about me. To be honest, I feel like I have no real friends and I'm very lonely. I've felt this way since the beginning of my senior high school year, because that was the year in which my best friends graduated (they were a year older) so I was left by myself all the time.
I think part of the reason I'm so unable to connect with anybody is because I'm so out of it. Even if I'm not daydreaming, I've reached a point where I feel like I'm not truly in reality. I feel numb to everything. And it's crazy because I know that I should absolutely love my life. I go to the school I wanted to go to, I live in an awesome city, I'm studying exactly what I want to be studying, the people around me are nice, I have a good family, I'm healthy, I'm not gorgeous but I'm decent looking, and I have a pretty good job. And yet I still feel so unhappy.
I feel like I'm living life in a haze and none of my experiences feel very real.
The only time in which I feel like I'm really, really here down to earth is when I'm doing something extreme, like when I'm on a roller coaster. But I can't be doing crazy things all the time, so I don't know what to do.
I don't have any drug problems, if anyone is wondering. Nor do I have a drinking problem. I do
however have an electronics addiction. I'm always listening to my iPod, because the songs help me daydream better, and I'm also always on my computer when I'm home. I waste HOURS of my precious time doing nothing. It gets in the way of my ability to do things I really should be doing, even if they're things I love.
I've completely lost my ability to focus as well, so I think I have some kind of attention disorder. Even when I'm reading (which I love to do) I don't feel like my focus is truly on the story. My mind is always half thinking about something else.
And I have an extreme anger problem. I started becoming angry when I was young. I can pretty much bet that it's a result of all my bullying. I spent all day getting crap at school, accumulating anger, and when I got home I'd just unleash it towards my parents and siblings. Basically all my anger gets thrown at my family because I know that they'll tolerate my outbursts and not abandon me. I don't do that with friends, because I know very well that they actually have the choice of discontinuing a relationship with me. It's really starting to hurt my parents.
I love them dearly, but I don't know how to control myself. Everyday I tell myself that I'm going to be nicer and not throw fits, but when something annoys me, I forget all about my promises and I lose it. Then I feel all guilty and I hate myself for being such a *****.
I'm so messed up.
And honestly I'm kind of embarrassed at the idea of going to the therapist or psychologist.