I have been keeping this to my self. I'm apprehensive about telling my parents and friends. Also, I am 19 years old. I know that this is a lot to read, but please do if you have the time.
I no longer feel mentally stable. In the past I've had troubles with social anxiety and depression (not sure if that's even relevant). This all started over the summer one day when I was smoking weed before my parents came home. I was quite paranoid, but usually could calm myself down because I was good at covering my tracks. Something was different about that day because I started losing control. My train of thought became erratic and focusing was very difficult. I no longer felt like my calm self. I felt lightheaded/fuzzy and mentally exhausted. When I was feeding the horses I thought I saw a dark figure out of the corner of my eye lurking underneath the back porch. I looked closer and it was nothing. Strange and abnormal thoughts started creeping into my head defying my normal rationale. Additionally, I started hearing noises from time-to-time. Once, it sounded like there was a wasp's nest upstairs buzzing so I could just barely hear it. Another time I heard a voice say "Help me." in my bed at night. I'm worried about myself, as things just aren't the same. Since then I haven't heard any noises, but I have had visual hallucinations. The most recent one was about a week ago. I was sitting in my bed and started to get afraid of the darkness (usually it isn't a problem at all) I started thinking of paranormal stuff and got really worried that there might be ghosts afoot (example of the abnormal/irrational thoughts). I opened my eyes and swore I saw the outline of a screaming face looking at me for a second. It's weird how I can drag myself down mentally into these states.
- Heavy marijuana use over the summer up through the beginning of this school year. I've been cutting down and trying to ween myself off of it lately.
- I often feel on edge. Rarely do I feel comfortable.
- Depression and lots of negative thinking. Parents made me get help and I was prescribed Effexor. I never took any of it. Last year I was on Zoloft and didn't like the side effects. I don't like the idea of antidepressants anyways.
- Recurrent thoughts of suicide.
- Paranoia, especially social. I didn't smoke in public anymore because things got too uncomfortable. Sometimes it's difficult walking to class because I feel like people are looking at me and how weird I am. Always worrying about what other people could potentially be thinking.
- Laziness, decreased motivation.
- Often feel like breaking down and crying, and I have. Emotional frustration. I'm frustrated that this is what I've become.
- I feel tired a lot more than I used to. Maybe because I worry so much.
- I've never been an especially outgoing person, but I've started avoiding people. I don't get into conversations like I used to. Social interaction doesn't feel right. I can only be comfortable when I'm alone. I don't make eye contact when I talk much anymore. Giving and taking in a normal conversational setting is just so difficult.
- I'm a lot twitchier than I used to be.
- Also there are times when I get random sweats from waves of heat. Usually when I'm quite uncomfortable, but not always.
I just don't feel in control of my life anymore. I plan on sending a copy of this to my university's Health Services to get in contact with a doctor and a therapist. Enough is enough. Any input is welcomed. Could it be possible I'm developing paranoid schizophrenia? Also, thanks for reading all of that it was a doozy
