I just heard from my dad that one of his friends has been diagnosed with a mental illness (he says something like Schizophrenia, but not it), and it got me thinking about how I act and it kind of freaked me out that I found a couple of unusual/strange things in the way that I think or feel.
I don't think there's anything wrong with me, let me just get that straight, but I realised there are some things that could be seen as a bit... odd, and I thought it would be a good idea to get someone else's opinion, but I didn't want to go to the doctor or a psychiatrist unless I know there might be something wrong. I don't want to waste their time.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I do ramble and I have a bit of trouble opening up and describing stuff, so please bear with me.
Firstly, I have this thing with images. I think that they can see and hear me. I have posters in my bedroom and it's gotten to the point where I can't even get changed in my room because I feel like they're watching me. I know the most obvious answer is to take them down, but I wont because I almost feel like I'm trying to impress them, like they're actual people I'm trying to make a good impression on. I talk so they can hear me, but I don't actually talk TO them. I talk so they can hear it. Often, I find myself recounting my day almost as if to them or explaining why I've said something. If I say something weird or stupid I will actually feel embarrassed. I genuinely can't get changed or anything because I feel like they're judging me and I wont even, like, show my legs if I haven't shaved them or whatever. I act how I act in public in private if there is an image looking out at me, if you understand.
Also, I have these cravings to eat certain things, often stuff we don't even have in the house. Sometimes, instead of cravings I'll have some kind of impulse, and it wont be satisfied until I've eaten/done whatever it is. Normally, the impulse/craving simply wont be ignored.
I've also noticed I'm becoming more disconnected from my friends. I'm not very nice to them, and I'll lash out or make fun of them, usually without even realising it. My mood can change in a heartbeat and one minute I’ll be really moody and withdrawn and awful to everyone, and then the next moment I’ll be really bright and chirpy and expect everyone to forget that I’ve been horrible to them. If I’m in a group of more than two or three, I’ll want to be alone and I’ll retract into myself and not talk. I used to be really talkative, so I haven’t always been like this. Also, the slightest thing that goes wrong can send me into a really bad temper, and I will genuinely feel so angry I want to destroy, actually tear apart, whatever- or whoever- caused my anger. I don’t know if anyone else feels like this, but I can be so violent and I don’t know if I’ve just got a really foul temper or not. It’s almost more worrying than the image thing, which I’ve kind of realised isn’t that normal.
At other times though, I can be really unemotional. I don’t really feel anything other than the extremes of anger, sadness and happiness/excitement. The rest of the time I feel more kind of… flat and just tired. If someone else needs my help and sympathy, I can’t help them. I feel awkward and slightly annoyed if others try to share how they feel with me, but I didn’t used to be like that. I used to be really sympathetic and try to listen to people. Now I just dismiss them.
The other thing is my school. I’m fifteen and at high school doing GCSEs, but I keep on truanting most days. I’ll take weeks at a time off, just because I can, and I really don’t care. I used to care a lot about my schooling and stuff, but I really don’t anymore. I know I’m throwing away my future and I can’t bring myself to care. I’m no longer interested in my studies and I’m failing more than a few of my subjects but it doesn’t matter to me.
Okay, that’s all I can think of that’s really significant, and I really don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me. Everything I’ve said feels normal and average for me, but when I reflected on how I act and think, I realised just how different I am from a few months ago. A year and a half ago, my mother died and then over summer last year, I became depressed, but the depression went away at about Sept/Oct last year, I think around the time I started acting like this. The only reason I really posted this on here is for my own peace of mind, to see if my worries are just stupid.
If anyone else feels like this or might have any suggestions if anything’s wrong or if I’m blowing everything out of proportion, I would appreciate your thoughts and opinions greatly. Should I see the doctor? I really don’t want to go and bother him, particularly as I feel nothing’s wrong.
Sorry if I’m wasting your time, but thanks in advance for your help