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Old 02-27-2011, 06:32 AM   #1
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Daughter

Im hoping I'm doing the right thing here. My daughter told me some things that happend a year ago and beyond. It explains her behavior, mood, anxiety, stomach aches, headaches, worry....

I don't no where else to turn right now. We can't get into see a counselor for 2 more weeks. She went to school one full day and one day for 1/2 day, another day for 10 minutes, another day not at all. She won't go to sleep by herself.

I reassured her she wasn't bad or in trouble for the things that happend. And that it wasnt her fault. These things happend with an older same gender cousin.

The thing that worries me the most is that, when I ask her if her cousin stuck her hands down her pants or touched her in private areas. She said no at first. Then an hour later says, she isn't sure about the question I asked her. She can't remember. She was crying so hard the other night. And I kept asking her if there was something else?She wouldn't say yes or no, like she will normally do?

She doesn't want her daddy to know. I had to tell him?He is her father. But she doesn't know that he knows. Well, he wants us to all sit down today & talk about all of this together?He thinks that even tho she told me, it is still like a secret because she doesn't want him to no?

I don't no how to approach the family members that need to be approached about this. It doesn't matter if our relationship is ruined. When my daughter is suffering like she is from all this, she is the only one important to me.

I'm afraid that she won't come to me when she needs me or it will make things worse, if she knows that her father knows?I told her she can trust me with anything, and I wouldn't tell anyone?

 
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:01 AM   #2
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Re: Daughter

As hard as it is to wait, try to wait. You may want to call the counseling center and tell them you suspect sexual abuse and they might be able to speed things up.

You don't have to tell anyone, anything right now. Let the counselor handle it. If they can confirm sexual abuse, they, by law, have to report it to the authorities and the authorities will contact the other parents. It is very possible that since the offender here is also a girl, that she may too have been abused. They will do the investigating and find out who is doing what to whom.

Stop probing and if your daughter can't tolerate school right now, get her school work for her and help her do it at home. Just be as supportive as possible until she is ready to talk to you.

Your job is not to be the authorities but to be a mom to your daughter and try to keep her feeling as safe as possible. Don't interrogate. Love her. Safety is the #1 thing she needs. If she doesn't feel safe, she can't tell.

I am a survivor of multiple sexual assaults as a child, both within the family and outside the family. Safety is crucial. If you can make her feel safe, she will be able to get through life with her head held high and weather this well. Same for her father.....safety. And you may be able to help the other girl involved in this too. A bonus. Keep telling yourself this if things get dicey with the other parents. You are doing it to save your daughter and the other child.

I'm here for you while you wait this out. If I can survive this, so can your child.

gentle hugs...............Jenny

 
Old 02-28-2011, 08:37 AM   #3
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Re: Daughter

She didn't go to school again today. I guess I'm going to have to talk to principle & counselor. At least to see what we can get worked out with school & her work. And, I'm afraid the state will get involved if she misses. We talked as a family this morning. Will see how she is in the morning & go from there?

When it's time for school she just shuts down and says her tummy hurts and she starts to cry. And all I can think is she is afraid to be away from me and im a comfort to her?She wont let me out of her sight. I barely have time to be on computer typing this.

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:09 PM   #4
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Re: Daughter

I am not sure how old this child is but it would be a good idea to call her doctor asap. From my experience from working with pediatrics, that is a good place to start and that dr. can get you into a counselor much faster.

I am praying for all of you!

Loretta

 
Old 02-28-2011, 12:37 PM   #5
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Re: Daughter

She is 11 & I called office this morning like the lady told me to. She scheduled us for March 10th. And then, I said, Well, I guess I will talk to the school to see how they can accomodate us. She hasn't been going to school & I just don't no what to do?She said, oh well, we can get you in sooner?I was like OOOK?Well, then why aren't we doing that since I am stressing that she needs to be seen earlier and you are telling me she cant be????ARGH! So, she bumped her to March 3rd!I no it won't all be fixed in a day, but gotta start somewhere. It's the end of the year & I don't no about getting by the rest of the year at home?I have no idea what the laws are...

 
Old 03-01-2011, 07:38 AM   #6
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Re: Daughter

HI Mom...sorry I haven't been here since my first post to you....the moment I hit the "submit reply" button I got abdominal cramps and came down with the stomach flu really, really badly. Had to go get an IV at the ER.

Yes, your daughter is seeking safety. She's like a clingy toddler and that is okay. She's scared and doesn't now what to do or what to think. Just be there for her and let her cling until you see the counselor.

I figured if you put some pressure on the counseling center you'd get in earlier. They get lots of people canceling appointments(that's my experience) so Monday is a great day to call. Glad you did. Sometimes you just have to keep trying with them....it's how they work...not like a doctor's office. They have tons of emergencies and tons of cancellations.

Just stay with her as best you can...find things to do or places to go. Once she get's seen, they can give you a better idea of what needs to be done. You can make a plan of how she'll get back to school. She needs to return to a regular schedule ASAP. But once she knows she has support and people she can turn to both at home and at school and a therapist to work with, then she should safe enough to get back to normal.

This is the crisis period when you are trying to get her help. This will pass. Life will go back to normal. And you've done a great job so far. You've seen the changes in her and knew something was wrong and you made her feel safe enough to tell you(congrats on that with an 11 year old!). You are doing really well. I wish I had had a mom as supportive and hurting for her child as you seem to be for your daughter.

Hang in there until Thursday.

gentle hugs for a good job...............Jenny

 
Old 03-01-2011, 07:53 AM   #7
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Re: Daughter

I am praying for you and your daughter. You are going to get thru this. Hopefully you will be connected with a good counsel that can give you and your daughter some guidance. Try to stay calm, as I know that is easier said than done, but it will help your daughter be a little calmer. May God bless you both..

 
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Old 03-02-2011, 06:34 AM   #8
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Re: Daughter

Glad you are feeling better Jenny

 
Old 03-02-2011, 06:47 AM   #9
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Re: Daughter

Thanks for being here I appreciate it so much!She went to school today. I prayed for it. I think she was scared that someone knew at school. We just kept reassuring her that no one knows. And all they know is that she has been sick with a tummy ache. Nothing more! This morning, she said she was ready to go & I said LETS GOO! She said she was excited that she was going back to school. She had lots of home work done to turn in. I told her if she stayed all day, we would go get shaved ice after school.

I'm reallly nervous about the counseling session tomorrow. I haven't told her, because I just don't think she needs to be worrying about it?I know that she needs to go. I want her to know how to cope with all this stuff going thru her mind. And to know that she is not bad for this. I hope that she knows I'm telling this counselor for a good reason. I hate the feeling of losing her trust. I don't want her to hate me for dragging her to some stranger to talk about all this stuff, she doesn't even talk about with me. I could only get her to circle yes or no to questions I wrote down?Please reassure me, I'm doing the right thing!!

I'm not sure if she is going to need a small dose of anxiety medication?She is eating, but sometimes she won't eat alot. And she will complain about her tummy hurting. She cried 3x's yesterday. We started giving her melatonin to help her get to sleep. She is worrying herself sick, and I don't blame her a bit. I just hate not knowing how to fix it & how to make it all go away. We got out of the house yesterday, and she worried about where we were going? And if thats the only place we were going?Were we coming home after we were done?She was scared that we would run into someone we knew. I told her everyone we no is either at school or work. So, we finally got out of the house!

She doesn't deserve to be hurting, no one does. But she is my baby, and I'm so sad over all this.

 
Old 03-02-2011, 01:25 PM   #10
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Re: Daughter

At her age, I doubt they'd give her any meds. Too many side effects.

If she balks at going to the counselor, try approaching it as this other girl might be being raped and if we can tell this person, then she/he might be able to help her too.....she'd be a real hero. She'd be helping another person and herself at the same time.

And the nice thing about using this scenario is it's real. She is a hero for telling. She is a hero for telling you!

Kids have a way of blaming themselves for everything bad that happens to them. They think you'll hate them for doing something bad. She needs to know she did nothing wrong and maybe this cousin didn't either and is in fact, being abused herself. The cousin may just be repeating what was done to her and showed those things to your daughter. She may be too scared to tell her mother. Your daughter isn't and that is great. You have a good relationship with her.

Hang in there. Thursday is here soon enough. You get started on this problem and I hopefully find out if I'm going to have a granddaughter or grandson tomorrow(#2). Someday you'll be doing this too. You're a good mom...lead with your heart.

hugs............Jenny

 
Old 03-02-2011, 02:25 PM   #11
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Re: Daughter

Jenny!Thank you..And Congrats on the grandbaby

Well, bad news..Our insurance doesn't cover the Dr. we were supposed to see tomorrow...But, good news is, that the insurance does cover the Dr. I originally scheduled for March 12th.

She went to school today, so I am thankful for that!!

 
Old 03-02-2011, 04:24 PM   #12
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Re: Daughter

Well, it's a time setback only. She is doing better so let her. But don't cancel the appointment even if she is doing okay. She still needs to get some help to know she is not responsible.

Hang in there and keep loving her. I know you do and she trusts you....she is showing how much by how resilient she is. But expect setbacks and the crying and clinging again. This goes up and down as she faces her fears.

You are her rock just like you should be.....good job!

gentle hugs..........Jenny

 
Old 03-03-2011, 07:06 AM   #13
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Re: Daughter

Thanks, that is what I really needed to hear I just want to let her be happy & to not have to think about it for a bit. So maybe, we had to cancel the appointment for a reason? Even tho, I'm sure she is still thinking about it, but she is being brave Day # 2 back in school.

My husband keeps saying, he thinks its all innocent & that in the right time, we will tell the parents. Everyone I talk to, says, they have to wonder if something has happend to the cousin to make her do this on more than one occassion. He says he doesn't think so?But, how does he no?I no we are going to clash on this. And, my daughter doesn't want them to no. She doesn't want to get her cousin in trouble. But, how can a person not tell? Our daughter is hurting & its NOT fair!And what if she has other little friends that stay the night and she puts this burden on them too??

I'm waiting til counseling & will get direction from there!

 
Old 03-03-2011, 04:08 PM   #14
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Re: Daughter

Young girls don't explore sexually with other young girls from my experience. Not unless the one leading has been abused.

Try telling your hubby this......does he want to be the one who stops her from getting help if someone is abusing her? If it's all a false alarm, the people who do this for a living will know and drop the entire thing. But what if she is being molested by someone and you guys knew and did nothing? How fair is that to this young girl? Could be a dance teacher or a teacher at school or a friend's father....who knows. And women molest too. It has been estimated that 75% of all girls have been molested in some form by the age of 24(that includes date rape). Astounding!

Your hubby is just feeling embarrassed and doesn't want to cause a family rift. But her family may be completely innocent and this is being done by a neighbor or stranger. Doesn't she deserve to be helped too?

If it is innocent, it will be treated as such. If not, then someone has to help this cousin as well as your child. This other child must be hurting just as much as your daughter and no child deserves that.

Your daughter will be fine...she has good parents.

gentle hugs.........Jenny

PS...having a grandson this summer to join my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter.

Last edited by jennybyc; 03-03-2011 at 04:09 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 03-09-2011, 07:51 AM   #15
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Re: Daughter

Tomorrow is her appointment. I have been so nervous about this. I know it's what she needs. I haven't told her & not sure if I should just pick her up from school & tell her we are going?Or tell her tonight or in the morning?If I tell her tonight or in the a.m. She will NOT go to school. I know how she is. I don't want her to freak out about it all night and all day, if that makes sense?

She has been sick since Sunday & has missed 2 days of school this week from that. I took her to Dr. and she started freaking out. I said the word flu, because her friend was diagosed with it. She started crying & thinking she was going to die. I told her, we didn't even no if she had the flu?And she didn't. She didn't want to pee in a cup because she was afraid they would find something wrong with her. She worries about forgetting things she needs at school. She worries about if she got her homework done, when she knows tht she did. Now of course she is worrying about all the stuff she put out in the open. She has had stomach aches, and I wonder if she has gotten an ulcer? They gave her zantac script. She wont take a pill, so they gave her syrup. Well, she wont take the syrup now because its gross?She's stressed, I'm stressed. If she wont take the medicine that is in front of her, the only thing I no for her to do is suffer?She cries to me, but other than trying a medicine for her stomach, it's all I no to do?

I'm going to talk to therapist privately about how to approach the parents. I still feel that it needs addressed. I just don't no when & how. So, I'm sure she will be able to give me more direction. I agree it needs to be dealt with & it will be!

 
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