Last night I scratched my right arm until it was raw...It's so physically painful now that it is hard for me to type this.
I've done this before a couple of times and usually it is a sign that I'm not coping with things very well and have a build up of tension that I need to express.
In a way I feel as though it makes me feel more alive, I have a lot of piercings as well and they make me feel a similar way during the healing process.
Recently (only in the past 6 months) I've taken up smoking, it started with my housemate encouraging me to smoke weed which we would do every day then he stopped buying so I started smoking out of a habit really. I've taken a number of drugs also such as MDMA and MCAT and Poppers and Laughing gas and took 4 sleeping tablets at a time a couple of months back.
All this reckless behaviour I think has been a way for me to get out of my normal (horrible) headspace and to stop me from focusing on certain things and have to deal with them.
The sore I now have on my arm is about 3 inches long and hurts like hell, but in a way I sort of like it because it's like I have this other thing to take care of, this other entity I've created that I can focus on when other intrusive thoughts come in.
I know it isn't a very good way to deal with things I've also reverted to my eating disorder again and been vomiting.
It is all to do with my housemate whom I am in love with but whom is being a right ******* about the whole thing.
I think it's crunch time now...I've lived my whole life avoiding things be it confrontation, my own feelings, other people, or even my own thoughts.
And all these 'distractions' are starting to define the problem more clearly to me.
I know pretty much what is wrong with me, I just don't know how to change.
I really wish I could because I have been trying really hard.
I'm 23 now and am sick of living like this.
I'd just like other people to talk to on here who might understand how I feel and whom hopefully by reading this will realise they're not alone.
It seems like you have a lot in your life which you cannot control so you are trying to control this pain you have so that it makes something significant seem important to you. Also you have mentioned that you are suffering from confronting people, avoiding making things different in your life. Psychologists/councellors have told me that this sort of behaviour will cause me to suffer from depression and not live my life. What you will probably benefit from is taking an assertiveness course. Psychiatrists will go for a cognitive behavioural therapy which will change the way you deal with certain situations by making you think in different ways.
Hope this helps. Thanks
Thank you for replying.
I think you're right, I know I have certain problems that prevent me from being able to confront people in the best way such as social anxiety disorder and I kick myself for not dealing with certain situations sometimes and internalise all my anger which is part of the reason I think why I have all these coping mechanisms. As well as helping me to (unhealthily) manage my feelings they are a way of me punishing myself in a way and taking my frustrations out on something rather than the person or situation I really should be addressing.
I'm hoping to get some sort of counselling soon but feeling so low it has been hard for me recently to muster up the strength to get out of bed let alone arrange to sort my life out.
I think your suggestion of an assertiveness course is a good one.
I am unconfident to the point of annoyance sometimes and just wish I could learn how to assert myself affectively without either not doing anything at all or completely flying off the handle when I've taken too much crap.
Thanks a lot for your reply. It really means a lot to me the know that others have felt the same and can offer me some words of wisdom.
It also gives me some hope that one day things won't be like this anymore.