Scratching myself raw...
Last night I scratched my right arm until it was raw...It's so physically painful now that it is hard for me to type this.
I've done this before a couple of times and usually it is a sign that I'm not coping with things very well and have a build up of tension that I need to express.
In a way I feel as though it makes me feel more alive, I have a lot of piercings as well and they make me feel a similar way during the healing process.
Recently (only in the past 6 months) I've taken up smoking, it started with my housemate encouraging me to smoke weed which we would do every day then he stopped buying so I started smoking out of a habit really. I've taken a number of drugs also such as MDMA and MCAT and Poppers and Laughing gas and took 4 sleeping tablets at a time a couple of months back.
All this reckless behaviour I think has been a way for me to get out of my normal (horrible) headspace and to stop me from focusing on certain things and have to deal with them.
The sore I now have on my arm is about 3 inches long and hurts like hell, but in a way I sort of like it because it's like I have this other thing to take care of, this other entity I've created that I can focus on when other intrusive thoughts come in.
I know it isn't a very good way to deal with things I've also reverted to my eating disorder again and been vomiting.
It is all to do with my housemate whom I am in love with but whom is being a right ******* about the whole thing.
I think it's crunch time now...I've lived my whole life avoiding things be it confrontation, my own feelings, other people, or even my own thoughts.
And all these 'distractions' are starting to define the problem more clearly to me.
I know pretty much what is wrong with me, I just don't know how to change.
I really wish I could because I have been trying really hard.
I'm 23 now and am sick of living like this.
I'd just like other people to talk to on here who might understand how I feel and whom hopefully by reading this will realise they're not alone.