| | Am I a Sociopath?
Over time I have begun noticing that I care less and less for other people. I think other people have noticed this and slid in a few comments now and again. For example, my grandmother thinks the games and tv shows I watch are merely "desensitizing" me and make me more immune to violence. I don't think this is the case. I have an amazing silver tongue. I have talked my way out of trouble in school, with my parents, and just plain belligerent people. My earliest memories of learning to lie was back when I was 5 or 6 years old. I would close my eyes and pretend to be asleep while I actually played with my toys once my parents thought I was asleep. I found out santa wasn't real when I was 8 using this method. I have gotten away with tons of things, usually by reversing the situation and making ME look like the victim. I have always taken great pride in this. Also, I have never had any problem hurting animals. I used to shoot birds with my pellet gun. I also beat a possum to death (which was one of the best feelings of my life), stepped on several snakes, and chopped a mole's head off with a shovel. However, I am very loving toward my pet dog, and couldn't ever think of harming her. So I don't know if I am being "cruel to animals" or simply "eliminating nuisances"... what bothers me is that I ENJOYED the killing. I wrote a story on my computer that in the end, suprised me on how gory and violent it was. I was shocked when I re-read what I had written at the beginning, and realized it was the same all the way through. Also, I have been confused on whether I'm a nice person or a mean person. I have been known to be funny and quite nice. My nickname at my school (though I won't say it due to someone might read this who knows the name) is the stereotype for being extremely nice and gentle. My football coach criticizes me for not being rough enough in practice, and that I have the strength but I'm just not using it. Another point of interest is my lack of affection for other people. I see everyone as ignorant and oblivious to the world around them. They all seem so pathetic to me. I thought that if everyone at the school I went to were lined up (including my "friends") and I was told to kick in the knees of every single one of them, I could do it without any regret. I would probably ENJOY it more than anything. Keep in mind I am not homicidal so don't freak out and call the cops or anything. I feel I could leave my family and move to a foreign country, never to see them again, and live the rest of my life just fine. This brings me to conclude I have never loved anyone, in the sense of TRULY loving them. I only tell my mother I love her if she says it first, and thats only to avoid arguement. Recently I have discovered my sleight of hand. I just recently snatched someone's wallet out of their pocket. It being empty anyway, I slid it in their backpack later. It is now VERY tempting to try it again, and the feeling is starting to get overwhelming.
I read online to research a little bit about it, and some things that caused sociopathic behavior were things I had. I am really poor, most of my things are things I worked to buy, as my family is bankrupt and unemployed. My father lives in another state, and my mother is mentally and physically ill on and off. I have been largely responsible for raising myself. As I researched sociopathy, I realized that there are not one, not a few, not even several, but TONS of qualities of a sociopath that match what I act like. I was shocked at how accurate some of them were.
But one thing is unclear to me: If I am indeed a sociopath, then how am I self aware of it? Is that possible? Also, I understand the difference between right and wrong, I just don't care.
Anyway, there is most (not all) of the info about my behaviors. I am seeing a councellor for a seperate issue, and still can't find the nerve to talk to anyone about this unless I'm anonymous. I realized alot of the things I do are wrong and may or may not offend some people, but please keep insults at a minimal.
My main questions:
-Am I a sociopath?
-Is there anything I can do to help myself?
-Is this a serious problem?
-Am I capable of love? Or am I just destined to ingore it?
-Is it possible other people know this about me?