I know and feel mentally ill -- but what is wrong with me???
There was this one incident that happened that made me realize I may have a problem which, looking back, I've had since I was about at least 8 years old.
This problem is that my mind would go into its own little world and I would spend quite a bit of time daydreaming. It seems harmless but after this one incident, I realize I have a problem.
First of all, I'm gay. There is this guy (probably straight) in the gym in the university I go to that I like and that I thought liked me back. He has noticed me checking me out and there are times were we would exchange glances. And here is where my problem begins: As someone who daydreams a lot, I started fantasizing that we were together as a couple. I'd daydream that we are having sex, cuddling, going on dates, I'd even fantasize our own actual conversations. I'd daydream that we would fight and make up, him meeting my friends and even my parents, and I meeting his friends and family (made up of course since I never met his family). In the process of this constant daydreaming, I'd fallen in love with him, though technically, I'd fallen in love with the fictional version of him, NOT the real him. As you see, I haven't even talked to him or, at this point, knew his name. In order to make my daydreams a reality, I slipped my phone number inside his gym locker without even confirming if he might even be interested in other men. It's been about 2 weeks and no call although at first, I thought that it might be due to final exams. Then, the semester ended last Friday with exams finished and he cleaned out his gym locker, and it dawned on me that I'll never see him again. My daydreaming finally caught on to reality and it went crashing fast.
Last night (Saturday) while searching on ********, I accidentally saw his friend's profile (one of his gym buddies) which had a picture of him on his profile. His friend's profile lead me to his profile. Finally knowing his name and where he lives (different from where I live) sent some sort of a catalyst/catharsis (whatever the correct word is) that I ended up depressed and crying my eyes out for a big part of today (Sunday). A part of me wants to contact him asking him something. There were times were I have noticed that he wanted to talk to me in the gym (in real life, not in my daydreams) but wasn't able to, and I just wanted to confirm if this is the case (for closure).
I know there is something wrong with me mentally and I constantly daydream even before this incident. Even hanging out amongst my friends, I would sometimes withdraw into my own little world and not fully engage in the social situation. After a good cry talking to my sisters about this, they also said that they've noticed me do this where I would be inattentive and my mind would go somewhere else. My mind seems hyperactive with a low attention span. Even having a simple conversation, I would usually lose interest and my mind would withdraw into its own little world. And the daydreams, just like with the example above, can really affect my reality. The worst part is that this exact same thing happened once or twice before.
Even walking the hallways on campus, half of my mind would be off somewhere and the other half navigating me to where I needed to go and dodging other people. Even playing volleyball last Friday, I would sometimes not pay attention and would go after the ball too late. One of my teammate even jokingly said we lost because of me. I tend to be really withdrawn internally instead of focusing externally. Sometimes I feel disconnected with reality.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I definitely do not think it is normal to fall in love with someone you don't even know in real life. My daydreams and fantasies made me fall in love with this guy. I'm just worried that if I don't seek help, I might not be able to distinguish between reality and fantasy.
Last edited by someguy81; 05-01-2011 at 06:55 PM.