Okay, first of, Expect this to be long, I've never really opened up to anyone before so expect me to "waffle".
I am a 19 year old college student, I have always considered myself fairly normal until recently. I always thought people were the same as me, i thought everyone lied and manipulated situations to get what they want. I came to the understanding that "love" and "empathy" were just acts to show politeness. I never really thought by being "selfish", i was different to anyone else; as we are animals.
I'll give you some background of my life. I've always been a loner, never had friends at school, i was bullied a lot. Used to get into a lot of trouble and got excluded a few times; Mainly for fighting and stealing. My mum has never shown interest in me, she's preoccupied with boyfriends and work. Her and my father divorced when i was very young. I used to see a psychiatrist when i was younger who was a friend of the family, but he came to no conclusions and said that maybe i have ADHD. The last few years i have been doing nothing, i've been living with whoever wants me for free, and doing some part-time college courses.
I have stolen before quite a few times. I stole a few hundred £s from my mum and stole some things from when i worked at a charity shop, among other things. Apparently i should feel remorse for doing these things, but i don't. I deserved them. When i was little i used to love killing rats and bugs, nature is truly amazing, it's amazing what animals can go through before they give up. Yet again, every kid does this. I've never really been into trouble with the law, only when i was young and i allegedly tried to kill my brother. But i don't really remember it. (This was when i got the psychiatrist).
I do like to manipulate and lie, I wont lie about that . This wall of text is probably the only truthful thing which has ever came out from me. I find it overpowering knowing that you have tricked another's mind. People's minds are fascinating, not just because they are so different to mine, but because you can control and manipulate them so easily. I'd love to tell you all my tales of manipulation, but i'd be writing for a week. But i will tell you one situation, which i am particularly fond of.
So my mums boyfriend, the violent alcoholic unemployed loser. After he declared that he hated me, and that he wanted to get me kicked out of the house (AGAIN), i decided to take matters into my own hands. I thought it would be genius if i could somehow reverse this and get him kicked out instead. So i devised a plan to make him punch me, this would inevitably get him kicked out and, would make mum be sympathetic to me. It worked like a charm, i basically just argued with him, taunted him and it all worked.
What didn't go to plan was the aftermath, although he was kicked out. My mums response wasn't as i had foreseen, and decided to kick me out too. She was upset with me, personally i don't know why because i did us all a favor. He was a jerk, and justice was served.
Anyway, I am nice to people. I'm not a complete dick, i think it's good to keep good relations and people to think of you nicely. Therefore, if you ever need something, you can ask- That is what friends are for, right? I wouldn't say i'm a violent person, i'm fairly good at controlling my temper. I usually vent my anger online and "troll" on yahoo answers - But i just got IP Banned today so that was unfortunate.
I don't really care about people, i don't think i'm some supreme god that is above all. But i do think it would be stupid not to put yourself above others, that's a natural instinct. I don't see why anyone would care about people they haven't met, so when i hurt someone's feelings online - I don't give a crap, they shouldn't leave them-self so vulnerable. A few of my family members have died recently, it has been an inconvenience; Yes. Do i have a conscience?, well i know what is right and wrong legally, if thats what you mean. But sometimes things are justified which makes them right, all i'll say.
Do i think i have a problem? No, not really. Although i may have a "disorder", I don't think naturally, there is anything wrong with me. I'm what humans should be, honest, selfish. But i realize i cannot fit in being like this, so therefore i MAY consider getting some form of therapy. I do have concerns though, I don't want anyone to know. If people find out i have this disorder my reputation is damaged. I will probably get kicked out my house and any chances of getting inheritance will be gone. Plus, I don't see how a psychiatrist will know what's going on inside my head better than i do. He will judge me entirely from people such as ted bundy, etc.
I kinda know, I'm probably sociopathic, but i just want someone else to read about me and conclude. It's all came to a shock to me that i might be different and sociopathic.
I cut a bunch of stuff out, so if the format doesn't make sense anymore, I apologize and feel free to offer any criticisms and advice. I'm not expecting much, but it was nice to put all these thoughts in words.
Anonymous, this is a very interesting post. I'm glad you were able to post something about yourself. You seem to know some about what is means to be a sociopath. You very well could have a sociopathic personality, if what you say is true. Another thing to consider if you have always been like this is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm curious to know, however, if you have always felt this way, or are these thoughts/feelings more recent? Do you feel angry a lot for what you have had to go through in life? Are you angry at your mom? Do you think if someone was trying to hurt your mom, would you step in in order to help her?
Do you have any siblings that you care about? What about girlfriends or friends? Do you ever feel sad or depressed?
Most people who fit the definition of a "true" sociopath will not benefit tremendously from psychotherapy, but it might help you discover what things are most important to you and help you figure out how to achieve them.
How old were you when you stopped killing bugs and animals? Why did you stop doing it? Did you just get bored, or do you think you had satisfied a basic curiosity you had and didn't feel like you needed to do it anymore?
The Following User Says Thank You to Toonces1 For This Useful Post: Anonymous101011 (05-02-2011)
I do know a lot about psychological disorders, i've been studying psychology in my own time for years. I find the mind very interesting. I also can use psychological disorders to my advantage, such as pretending to be autistic.
to answer your questions:
Have you always felt this way, or are these thoughts/feelings more recent? Well, from what i remember nothing has changed, I never really gave it much thought before, as i said, I thought when people said "Oh i'm sorry for your loss" and "That's sad to hear" this was all just politeness. I presumed relationships were based on ulterior motives other than love (such as sex and money, or reputation), and have always been very skeptical of why people do "good" things, such as charity work. I remember when my grandpa died, who i used to spend a lot of time with died, and i went to his funeral. Everyone was crying and i didn't feel anything. I was more curious by the other people's reactions.
Do you feel angry a lot for what you have had to go through in life? Sometimes, yeah. I didn't have a good upbringing.
Are you angry at your mom? Yes, she has done a lot of bad things to me in the past which i didn't mention. She has humiliated me in the past and for this i will never forgive her. I'm mainly angry with her though because she is an idiot, and blind of her own idiocy.
Do you think if someone was trying to hurt your mom, would you step in in order to help her? Dependant on whether it was deserved. If someone broke into the house and tried to kill my mum, I'd put him down, sure. But i've seen her boyfriend hit her, and most of the time she deserves it; for getting drunk, etc.
Do you have any siblings that you care about? I like my sister, she is a good person, and has brought me up and looked after me well. I can't really tell you if i care or not, because i'm not too sure what it means to care. I would protect her, and i would never hurt her, and it would be a shame if anything happened to her. If that's caring, then yes i do care. She is a lot like me, and understands my view points, and will always listen to what i have to say.
What about girlfriends or friends? I've never had a girlfriend, nor have i ever wanted one. They seem like a lot of hassle, and i can't see what i would get out of it. I make "friends" with some people while im on college courses, so that i'm not bored at lunch times and i have someone to skip college with. But after college is over i quit contact with them and start fresh, so no i don't have any long term "friends".
Do you ever feel sad or depressed? Uhm, Not really. I can't remember an example of when i've cried or felt upset about anything. I tend to get annoyed rather than sad. If someone tries to mentally hurt me, it wont make me sad; it'll make me angry and annoyed.
How old were you when you stopped killing bugs and animals? I still do it, although not as much as i did before. It has an element of fun to it, seeing what the animal can survive and what it can't. It's like a cat catching and killing a mouse, they do it for pure entertainment. I bet all of you enjoy running around the house and squatting flies, so you're no different really.
And i heard that therapy is pretty useless for sociopaths, Apparently i'm a lost cause who everyone should run away from. But maybe the psychiatrist will have some tips on how i can act normal. This will be useful, and maybe keep me in check.
Again, thanks for the answer, Hope i haven't scared you away; It's nice to talk to someone.