I have been dealing with depression since I was about 13, I think. No one really noticed until my mom found words etched into my skin when I was 14 or 15, and she sought out help. I was diagnosed with depression, prescribed Citalopram and a counsellor. I saw her for 6 months, had a family session, and never went back. I dropped off the meds, and would attempt to start up about every 6 months. Then my mom passed away 2 years ago. I felt (and still feel) like I lost the only person who truly understands me and why I feel the way I do. 6 months later I was pregnant. My main worry was post-partum, my GP agreed and prescribed me Effexor. I researched it and did not feel comfortable taking it while I was pregnant. After I had my baby girl, and experiencing post-partum, my GP prescribed me Cipralex, and a counsellor. I saw for for a few months, but never felt like she understood and she asked all the wrong questions. So I stopped seeing her. The last professional help I sought out was a GP-turned-psychiatrist (If you are learned in BC medical history, you will know why) for my skin-picking, or what I believe it is, Dermatillomania. He prescribed me Risperidone. I lost the prescription and am afraid of going back. *Note:* I did feel better after taking the Citalopram, and Cipralex. Neither helped with my picking, though. And it felt fake to me. I want to be able to be happy on my own accord. I just don't know how to do that.
Symptoms/What's Worrying Me:
-Loss of interest in everything, no matter how mundane.
-Increasing sense of hopelessness/that this will never get better, no matter how well my life turns out.
-Suicidal thoughts. Constantly. (I'm much too afraid to actually do it myself, so I've taken to hoping that it will happen through disease or accident. For example, cars drive by, I hope they'll hit and kill me. Plane flies overhead, I pray it'll either fall out of the sky or drop a bomb on us. I have had plans to do it myself though, ie poisoning by household product, jumping in front of traffic etc.)
-Low self-esteem, low confidence.
-Seeing things. This started when I was young. I had always thought it was normal, y'know, my eyes playing tricks on me. It's gotten worse. I've seen human forms, dog, cat, and bird forms. Some clear, some fleeting.
-Hearing things. I remember asking a teacher about it in Grade 1. I told her I heard people calling my name sometimes. She said I should talk to someone about it. I never did. But throughout my life I've heard them, not as much as when I was a child, but they've been coming back recently.
-Mental arguments with myself. Sometimes I scream at myself in my head. It feels like there are different voices there, some negative, some (which are smaller and more difficult to hear) positive.
-Seeing morbid and grotesque forms behind my eyelids as of recently.
-Dermatillomania. (This is a self-diagnosis. My research led me to this. It is an OCSD, obsessive-compulsive-spectrum disorder) It started when I was 11.
-Horrible, unwanted thoughts about hurting/murdering random people and loved ones.
-Inability to follow through with anything.
-I either feel like I can conquer everything on my own or I feel as though I will never crawl my way out of this.
-It almost feels like I don't want to get better. As if I want to wallow in despair until I whither.
-Increasing loss of interest in welfare of my daughter. I would never hurt her, but I'm starting to get scared for her well-being.
-Repetitive thoughts and/or actions when I am really distressed.
-Very quick temper/Inability to cope with negative circumstances.
Other Important Sidenotes: -I do smoke marijuana. I haven't been smoking nearly as much as I was before I moved out on my own with my daughter. I have also thought constantly about how this could be a huge factor in everything, and am worried if I seek help, the doctor's will send me to rehab. One doctor I talked to about smoking marijuana and the connection between my picking said that if I can't quit that it is an option. -There is a large history of mental health issues in my family. My mother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a couple of years before she passed, after a 2 month stay in a psych ward. She was also on all sorts of medications. I also found out she had been treated for OCD-like symptoms when I was young. Her mother committed suicide with a shotgun when she was 9. My great-grandmother on my mom's father's side was exhibiting hoarding tendencies and alzheimers. Her son, my grandfather, exhibits the same traits. -I feel as if I need more help than I have been receiving. My GP always rushes me through my appointments, and doesn't seem to think there is a big problem. My most recent counsellor was distant and never asked the right questions. My physician-turned-psychiatrist rushed me through my appointments worse than my GP, and even though he asked the right questions, he didn't respond to what has been really worrying me, such as hearing and seeing things.
My Questions: -How do I make the professionals understand what I see as a major problem? Am I not seeing the "right" professionals? Am I not telling them the right things in enough detail? How do I do that without them thinking I'm over-exaggerating everything? Maybe I am? -Is "rehab" absolutely necessary? I feel like I can quit smoking marijuana well enough on my own. I don't really want to, either. Yet I also feel like I need to be somewhere else for awhile where they help me figure out how to live a "normal," routine life, incorporating all the positive things I'm supposed to, because I feel like I can't do it on my own. But I don't think that marijuana is the only cause. I agree it's not making it any better, but I don't think that it is just that. -I have been told before that people who go crazy do not wonder if they're crazy. Is this true? I feel sometimes that I am going insane. I almost welcome it because it would at least be something.
The following user gives a hug of support to Ashley1991:
okay here is some hardcore advice, because other than you, i'm concerned about your daughter who is in your care, in your home alone with you.
You need to print out the post that you wrote just now and take it to your current psych/GP turned Psych whichever and blatantly say,"Here, this is what I'm concerned with, this is what scares me, I NEED YOUR HELP." Make sure he knows you lost your RX, because you need to be on meds, and you NEED to be talking to a counselor about this. If you can't make him "hear" you, then the most responsible and loving thing you can do for your child is check yourself into a facility and get this under control and get stable. I know this is harsh and scary, and I apologize, but honestly I don't think you are safe to be taking care of a child and you need to consider her well being first.
Please get yourself some help, one way or another, what you've described is serious, very serious.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Last edited by katlin09; 06-04-2011 at 10:58 AM.
Hi there, I totally agree with Kat, you must get some help as you need to keep yourself and child safe.
Please try and stop smoking that stuff it does you no good in the long run,I know I've been there,I used to think it made me relax and sort my head out but all it done was made me paranoid and increase my anxiety,however I do know how difficult it is to stop,I believe it is addictive regardless what other people may say.
Please let us know how you are and how you get on,my thoughts are with you
Last edited by mentalhealth mod; 06-10-2011 at 02:32 PM.