I had a friend who was acting weird for some time. First I thought she was just emotionally immature, but after some time I thought she could have some brain problem so I decided to do a research about her symptoms. Now I'm almost sure that she has bipolar disorder. But I'm not here to talk about her, the thing is, while I was researching about this disorder, I realized that some of the symptoms apply to me as well. I always knew I'm not really normal, but I still don't know what I have.
I'm almost sure I have social anxiety disorder and now I believe I may have a "little bit" of bipolar disorder as well. I know I suffer from a few of the symptoms often associated with bipolar disorder. I'll highlight (bold text) the symptoms that fit my case:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable |
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
Inability to experience pleasure
Fatigue or loss of energy
Physical and mental sluggishness
Appetite or weight changes
Concentration and memory problems
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide
Now I'll try to give a more detailed explanation. I'm 27 years old and when I was a teenager I was very depressed because I was bullied at school and had some personal problems as well. I still get depressed sometimes, but it usually goes away after I get a good night of sleep. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but at the same time, I don't value my life much. I wouldn't mind knowing that I have just a few more days to live.
I always had problems to sleep. I often only go to bed when I'm really tired which usually ends up with me staying up all night and going to bed in the morning or during the day. There were times when I slept a lot, but nowadays I've been sleeping just 4-6 hours a day. I think I have a light sleep so I wake up with many noises and can't go back to sleep.
I read that people with bipolar disorder may be very sensitive to noises. I usually don't care about noises that I generate and I don't care about loud noises if I'm outside of my house. But when I'm in my house, I hate the noise that comes from outside (specially now that a restaurant/bar opened just across the street). Sometimes the noise is not even loud, but it's like I unconsciously seek the noise and focus on it. The fact that I have a good hearing just makes it worse. Even with door and windows closed, I can still hear people talking downstairs or on the street.
I get irritated easily, I'm often stressed and I focus too much on the bad things. I have a hard time forgetting about bad things and forgiving people if they treat me in a bad way. I constantly revisit on my mind bad events that happened years ago, even if they didn't affect my life in a major way. But I also remember good things as well. It's like, although I have a bad memory in general, I keep reviving all the experiences I had in the past, especially when it's related to people that I loved or hated.
Sometimes I feel energetic, but I'm not hyperactive. I don't even like moving much, I usually just stay in front of my PC all day. Most of the time I just feel tired, but maybe that's because I'm out of shape, don't exercise and don't really care about my diet.
I have some problems with concentration, since I often experience racing thoughts. But I think that when I'm in a quiet environment and I'm really interested in something, I have no problems concentrating on it. I also have speech problems, but that's probably related to my social anxiety disorder.
I certainly don't suffer of hallucinations and I don't think I have delusions but I may have a little bit of paranoia. Regarding my mood changes, it can happen very fast, depending on the events that I face during the day.
I read that people with bipolar disorder may experience an increase on sexuality, but I'm not sure if I'm more interested in sex than any average young male. And since I'm very shy, I don't really look for sex.
One thing that doesn't fit the bipolar symptoms is the fact that I'm very logical and realistic. I'm never optimistic or overly pessimistic and I'm usually not impulsive or reckless.
I think it's hard to evaluate if I have an inflated self-esteem. Sometimes I consider myself to be better than most people and sometimes I feel worthless. Being very realistic I know about my qualities but I'm also very aware of my flaws.
So I don't think I really have bipolar disorder, but I believe I suffer from something very similar to it, that shares some of the symptoms. Does anyone have any idea of what I have?
ps: sorry for the long text, but I was trying to give a complete description of my condition and I guess I also wanted to vent about my problems. And sorry for any grammar mistakes english is not my first language.