This is going to be a long one, so I do apologize. I just want to get everything out of the way at once. I, of course, will post other things, here and there, to update, and what not. Also I apologize for the post being so scattered. I am not very organized when trying to write, as my thoughts are very scattered, and I tend to just put down what I am thinking at the time.
Well, for starters, I am 36 years old, and female. I am both Bipolar and BPD. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was in the Navy in í96. So they discharged me, honorable discharge, but failure to adapt to the environment. This means I can never re join the military unless I am free and clear, mentally. Of course I am too old now.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2006. My doctor put me on Zyprexa at first, and then I got a psychiatrist, he put me on Abilify and Celexa. Unfortunately I could not afford the Abilify even with my insurance I had at the time. I now have no insurance what so ever. Those medications make me feel like a zombie anyhow, so I have not been on any medications in about 4 years.
I tend to get very angry and irritable out of the blue, just things my boyfriend will do or say irritates me to no end and then I start fights with him, saying hurtful things to him, and getting to the point where I can not control my anger. I have been told by him that I am very controlling. I have also gotten physical towards him, one time. I state once because I never wish to harm him again. My symptoms gets worse right before my cycle, btw, so Iíve been researching PPMD.
I also get very depressed to the point that I just want to sleep or sit in front of my computer. I have missed a lot of work in the past because of this, and my track record for keeping a job is not so great. My attendance record for jobs is horrible, I call in because I just donít have the motivation to go. The longest job I have ever kept was 4 years. And then I quit that job to hop on a bus to NY to meet someone from the internet that I knew for 3 months. Now I have not had a steady good paying job since 2009.
I will do some really reckless things before thinking about the consequences. I have actually gotten on a bus, on two different occasions, to meet people I have only ever met on the internet. I have also gotten into peoples cars that I didnít know, for the thrill of it. Iíve also been very sexually promiscuous in the past. My only marriage ended because I cheated on him. This is very hurtful to my family when I do things like this.
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, my mom told me it was just an excuse, and that everyone is ďBipolarĒ, that I am just lazy and donít want to do anything. I donít have the motivation to clean or do thing for myself most days.
Which brings the subject up of my parents have been taking care of me most of my life, and I have put them through hell since I was a child, they took me to many pyschiatrists, or psychologists, not sure which. I was put on ridalin, to speed me up, not slow me down. I ran away from home a few times. Iíve cost them a lot of money, as I also have a bad spending problem, and I am in debt from medical bills and other bills that I can not or wont pay because I canít remember to pay them, or I end up spending the money on other things I donít need. It is getting better though, because you canít spend money if you are broke. I have only lived on my own, without other peoples help twice. The other times I have either lived with room mates, partners or my now ex husband. Aside from my parents, which is a majority of the time. I finally moved in with my boyfriend in February, however, we took a month long break in August of this year due to my outbursts. We are back together again, but have had several outbursts since that time.
I also have a hard time keeping relationships. My longest relationship was with my ex husband, 3 years. I stated above the way my marriage ended. Another one lasted a year and a half, the one I am in now, a year and 2 months. The others I have had have lasted no more than 6 months, if that. I am just not good with social situations period. I donít know how to maintain friendships very well. I avoid certain social situations if I can not control them. Some of my friends have invited me to parties and such, and I have turned them down repeatedly, or made up excuses so that I did not have to be around their other friends that I have never met. Those friends have quit inviting me out. I have a few close friends now, but that is all, and they also have various mental health problems, so they somewhat understand me.
I get projects started, or ideas in my head, and then I don't finish them. Just the other day, in one of my hyper times, I got the idea in my head to clean the whole stove top area, because it is filthy, and neither my boyfriend or I like to clean often. Well, I started doing it, and got halfway done, and then got distracted on other things, so my boyfriend finished it for me. I still have cross stitching to do, and I started that this summer. Also, I am a bit OCD but not diagnosed for that. I have to have all of my clothing hanging in my closet facing the same exact way, with the hanger the same way. If something is not hung correctly, I get a little panicky. When I organize my things on a table, they have to face diagonal, then my boyfriend will turn them all straight, and that will **** me off. Another thing I need to mention is that I will become obsessed with things such as religion, or certain lifestyles and want to be a part of them. Then get bored and switch to something else after a while.
Part of the times I am fine, happy, and sometimes really hyper out of the blue. Then it turns around again, and I am Dr. Jekyll, Miss Hyde, sad, bad self esteem, hating myself, crying for no reason, and then happy, then angry, and all over again the vicious cycle. I really hate being this way. I want to get help, but at the moment, I am barely employed. I did another dumb thing and quit my part time job to take a job that "might" give me 40 hours a week, and then of course, it's a PRN job so no ones calling for a shift. So this is just stressing me out more than I already am on a ďnormalĒ day, because I donít know if we will have a place to live when January comes around.
I donít know if a lot of what I do is part of being Bipolar, or if it is mostly the BPD. All I know is that I need to get help, I do not want to get to the point of being gravely disabled. I did contact a counselor at one point, a year or two ago, about getting help to control my anger. I explained to her, in not as many words as this post, luckily for her, about my situation, and she told me that before she would see me, I would need to get back on my meds. Iíd really like to try therapy and counseling before I resort to meds again. They make me feel, not myself. I also called a sliding scale facility, left a voicemail for them that I needed help, and no one called me back. So far, no luck on my end.
Well, I will stop here. I am sorry again, for the long post, but I wanted, needed, to explain fully my situation. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this.