Join Date: Apr 2013
Re: Not feeling real/life feels like a dream
I am also relieved to read so many stories similar to mine, it gives some kind of comfort to know that you are not alone.
So, I also want to share my story (I feel that at the moment, in the state that I am in, it is a lot easier to do it by writing than by speaking).
My first depressing moods started about 2 years ago (I am 23 at the moment). I am studying to become an actress and as the profession is really demanding and as I am from nature also really demanding on myself, then I started accusing myself a lot when I wasnt able to perform as good as I wanted to. (often the bad performance was due to my own feeling of fright of doing wrong, not even so much of the lack of talent. but the fright also suffocated all my creativity).
Also, it was the first time when I felt that something was not right between me and my boyfriend. He is a wonderful person and I really really respect him, but there were moments when I just didnt feel this man-woman sexual attraction towards him. I believed that it can and must be fixed. So I started "fixing" it. But in spite of all my aspirations I couldn´t still get the same good old feeling back that I had felt for him when we started dating, during the first year. I thought this is normal, this is what must happen, when you grow more together. In some ways I guess it also is, but when I still didnt actually feel what I should have then I started to kind of repress those feelings, pushing them somewhere deep where they couldnt disturb me. Then there came the moment when we almost broke up but after sorting some things out, decided to try on. For the first few months, it was better again, but then again the same feelings of lacking something important and hesitating a lot started to swim out to my conciousness. I was really confused at that time because I didnt actually want to admit to myself yet what was the problem and as I really cared for him a lot, we had a good empathy and understanding of eachother in many things, I didnt want to let him go. He was like a familiy member to me, how could I say good bye and maybe never be able to recover the bond that I felt with him in many levels, unfortunately other than the man-woman attraction(though I loved hugging him, feeling his closeness, I usually didnt feel the real desire to have sex with him). I felt embarassed to tell it to him as well, I felt it was my problem, I didnt realize that sometimes those things doesnt depend on the persons themselves, I guess its not a fault of him nor mine) and as I didnt want to insult him in any way, (I felt that I had hurt him a lot already), I started compensating it by becoming very careful with him. As he has the natural property of being sarcastic to things and saying out loud when he doesnt like something (and he can be quite radical on not liking things sometimes), then I started avoiding doing things he might not like. I didnt want to see him in a bad mood and I also felt I couldnt bear any negativity at the moment. So, as I know, he says "soap operas", musicals like "Grease", latin music and culture are a waste of time, then I instinctively didnt want to see, watch,hear them when he was close. (or when I did it, then it felt it like a protest, means it still didnt feel good) Although he never said that I can´t or shouldn´t watch them, he just shared his opinion. But as for my personality I got influenced by those comments anyhow.
So I took it all to myself and also with the continuing pressure by theatre school, my own thoughts of doing wrong and not being able to handle things there, I shaped myself around for the environment where I was trying to fit myself right. In school, I was dealing with self-respect questions all of the time. At some points I felt really strong in expressing what I really meant, what and how I wanted to do my creative work but then there were also those down-periods when I felt I was just scared of the other people from my course, who I felt where emotionally and creatively stronger than me and who´s ideas "must have been" better. I got scared expressing myself and my ideas, and because of that anxiety and fright that growed, I finally wasnt really able to produce anything great either. I wasnt in any ways in a good creative mood. I also know that I shouldnt compare myself to others and compete but I still did it a lot, I was longing for approval because I didnt feel self-confident myself.
Now I am one month away from finishing school. I must be honest to you, I cant wait when all this finally ends and I can go somewhere far away from the city where all of this has occured and just get a new and fresh look on things and life. There has been so much pain and suffering that I have felt during the last years. I believe that in many ways it has been important for me, to learn and as my mom says "all the people you meet during your life are sent to you in some very important reason, you can learn from them something about yourself".
Now, after this long prologue I finally get to the part of "feeling that life is unreal". This is something that has been bothering me during the last few months. I guess as the depression and tension has been up in the air for me for such a long time in a row already then this has finally concluded in my brain acting this weird way. I also get those feelings that all that around me, is totally strange and foreign to me, that I cant reach it, that it is unreal as am i, that I cant reach myself, I dont feel myself as me, I cant reach the familiarity of myself, sometimes i think about something or someone and I feel total numbness, sometimes I think about myself and I feel it is some stranger and not me, as I sometimes look at my body and feel it doesnt belong to me (a psychotherapist I visited, connected this feeling of mine to having sexual relations when I really didnt have my soul with it, so my body was in action but it was actually apart from my real wanting), still the easier moments for me are when I am alone and dont have to go through the social anxiety problems(which have stuck to me during this ordeal as well.) Sometimes I feel that I am stuck in my mind (stuck in thinking) and cant contact the present situation because of that, reality seems far and unrealistic, I get this feeling that I dont give a damn about it because its all a lie, I also feel that sometimes when I am communicating with people, my mind is just wandering around somewhere else, feeling scared about something again etc. And to concentrate on persons talk, I really have to try really, really hard and its exhausting. I also have trouble being able to tell longer stories. Such as: someone asks me, what is the play about that you are making? I feel so hard to get information out from my brain and give it forward, especially when its someone not too close person for me whos asking and I feel tension. As I am an actress, then I have started to use my acting abilities in a bad way, I feel that when communicating, I am faking, I am acting in real life. I dont want to, but it just happens, I cant connect with the situation for real so I fake it. I hate it.
Me and my boyfriend broke up some weeks ago, but we still have to live together during this last month. I really want to have some honest contact with him, support him in his pain and let him support me, but often i feel I cant reach him also. I guess he also feels he doesnt really know how to communicate with me during this period now, but this being not able to honestly communicate (that sometimes even the most easiest sentence needs effort to tell, like "here is your dinner" and then I just keep my mouth shut and sometimes then I try to reach him, but I feel my words sound fake, I just sound fake and he takes me as fake for it, but behind it, I am actually just so sad of being like this, not managing how to "reach over to the other side". Not being able not to connect my body, my thought, my expression, my feelings. Just being as a broken down machine. I dont want to pity myself, but I know(to him) I often sound like this and I guess I sometimes let myself sound like this as well, I guess it is my way of searching contact in any way..as I am not able to reach and express my feelings as I am feeling inside, then this wining and crying mode atleast sometimes draws attention to me.
The good thing is, that I still also have the "clear" moments, when I am not under all this disillusional feelings and then I can feel pretty good and normal. I am still searching the right answers for myself and trying to keep optimistic view on things really getting better.
Ok, it was a long talk. But I guess it was important to me to get it out from me in a written and orderly way. To have an overlook of it better. And if someone reckognizes him/herself in it as well, then atleast it has brought some good.