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Old 01-17-2012, 12:19 AM   #1
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Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

Greetings to all. I'm new here. This post will probably be a long one, but I was requested by a friend to try journaling tonight. I've never done it before. So maybe I will try now.

I'm 24 years old. I live in Chicago with my girlfriend of nearly one and a half years. My ultimate life goal is to become an independent filmmaker of animated and live-action features, with a side career as a baritone vocalist crooning his way through the Great American Songbook and Operatic Arias of the World.

Overall, I would describe my life as being very happy but punctuated with moments of frightening anxiety and crushing fear. A small comment, a gesture, someone's inflection or tone, a miniscule thing will set me off and I will immediately start hating myself. The hate for myself builds and builds to the point where I want to "punish" myself for existing. So I create drama and do bad things like telling a loved one "go **** yourself" for no reason so I can "punish" myself with the consequences of my drama. Sometimes, this hate manifests itself into me hitting myself, punching myself, throwing things, and screaming.

Following? Confusing, I know.

I graduated in May 2010 with a degree in film and have been unable to find work in my chosen field. I would love to work as a freelance editor or animator for a company but jobs like that are few and far between. Since I am living with my girlfriend, I find that the pressure is higher than ever. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to be able to support her and build a life with her. She wants to marry me and have kids with me and live out the rest of her days with me.

But I scream. I hit. I punch through walls.

Tonight was the final straw for her. After a stupid blow-up about something or other (I'm jealous that she's the lead in a play. Embarassing as **** to admit.), she starts crying and says "I think you should go home. You're totally unstable. Even just for a week or two, please just go home."

Then I flip the **** out.

I scream "YOU WANT ME TO GO??? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE???"

"I DON'T FEEL SAFE!"

"YOU'RE OVERREACTING! EVERYTHING IS FINE!"

Touching her. Touching her. Touching her. Grabbing her arm. Stroking her face.

"THIS IS FOR THE GOOD OF OUR RELATIONSHIP"

I am screaming as loud as I can. (It's midnight and we have roommates who are mighty ******.) I throw a towel at her. She cries.

"I'MNOTGOINGI'MNOTGOINGI'MNOTGOING"

"Then I will go. I can't be in the same building with you now."

"NO!"

"Either you go home or I go home. And I don't think it's fair for me to go home when I have school and work."

I run up to her.

And I bite her face.

"That's it!"

She gets her phone. I grab it from her. I hide it in my pants. I take my phone and hide that in my pants. She's screaming at me. I'm screaming at her.

And then I hear...

"Jer...take a walk. Calm down. Give her her phone. I'm sick of this."

Our female roommate comes out of her room and takes the phone out of my pocket and pushes me outside.

I run around panting and screaming. I fumble with my phone. I call my grandmother, snot in my eyes.

"SOMETHINGSOHORRIBLEJUSTHAPPENED!IBITHER !IFUCKEDEVERYTHINGUP!"

My grandmother is angry. I'm really worrying her.

I fall in some snow and think "**** this. I'm going back inside."

I walk to my apartment complex and enter. I walk up the stairs and knock on the door. Amazingly it is open.

She's there, on the phone, crying. Probably talking to her mom. I am terrified.

"My requirement is that you see a psychiatrist. A real one. Not a student intern that costs twenty dollars."

And I freak out again. I get dressed and go outside, intending to spend the entire night on the train.

But I go back to find her asleep. A horrible night finally over.

Now, this was a pretty terrible incident. I can't believe I did this. I feel absolutely horrible. But what should be my next move? I absolutely adore this woman. I cannot live without her. Is there a way to find low-cost or free psychiatric appointments?

I am currently taking Zoloft and Ativan for anxiety.

I am an idiot.

 
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Old 01-17-2012, 12:21 AM   #2
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

Also I should mention that I notice that most of my big meltdowns happen on the 16th, just like today's. I think it's because I start each month in happiness, looking forward to what lies ahead. When the month doesnt turn out how I want it to, I get upset.

 
Old 02-14-2012, 09:16 AM   #3
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

Hi squiffle. First off you're not an idiot. You have a problem.

Did you have these symptoms before you went on Zoloft? tell your doctor whats going on with you.

Make sure you're honest when you tell your doctor all the things that you do to yourself and others so that he will know everything. He/She can't help if you don't tell the entire story.

Take care.

~Belle~

 
Old 02-21-2012, 07:33 PM   #4
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

man, been an *** just like that, too many times,

anger management may help, better to go voluntary than wait for a court order. Do it for both of you, and granny. Helped me a little.

are you BPD? check some of the threads here for symptons.

be sure to say you are sorry, and why. Let her know what you are experiencing, so she can get an idea of where it comes from. She will only take so much.
give her a hug when you are feeling great, and let her know you need one when you feel the anger. When you feel the need for one or the other to leave, try it, good for cooling off, and prevents saying things you will regret.

easier said than done, takes hard work, and time.

try making a movie of how you feel when you are in that mode, perhaps you will learn things about yourself. It can be an outlet for your anger, and you just may create something great while at it. If nothing else, keeps you in practice for the job that will eventually come.

does Zoloft give you side effects? Some from Zoloft can be frustrating. Your doctor may want to change to another brand with less side effects if so.

there is no easy answer, no quick fix, takes time, educating yourself on your actual problems, and a lot of sweat.

GL

 
Old 02-22-2012, 12:17 AM   #5
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

You have assaulted this woman, and I beleive you owe her the piece of mind to stay away from her until she decides if she can trust you again. Minimizing your behavior is part of the sickness. YOU need to give her your key and disappear until she makes another contact with you, and if she does not, there is your answer. We all need to take full responsibility when we injust someone out or rage and inability to control ourselves. If you would have had a knife, would you have slashed her with it?

 
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Old 02-22-2012, 06:32 AM   #6
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
You have assaulted this woman, and I beleive you owe her the piece of mind to stay away from her until she decides if she can trust you again. Minimizing your behavior is part of the sickness. YOU need to give her your key and disappear until she makes another contact with you, and if she does not, there is your answer. We all need to take full responsibility when we injust someone out or rage and inability to control ourselves. If you would have had a knife, would you have slashed her with it?
I cannot say I agree. That would be running away from the problem.
that would be expecting it to go away on it's own. It will not just dissolve. It takes a lot of work from both parties in a loving relationship.
To separate until everything is OK will just postpone the actions required to repair any damage done. Nothing is ever solved by running away. If anything, the separation will have her dwelling on the bad with no means of understanding why this is happening. She needs to feel love, and that does not happen from afar. If she needs time away, it's pretty close to over already.
If she trully loves him, she must be as commited to the relationship. It will take work on her end also to make this problem between them be resolved.
Since they are in a relationship, it takes both to deal with thier problems. If she leaves, it says there is a lack of commital, or at least it will be percieved that way, conscious or unconsciously.
Her openess is to share her feelings is a must. She has a say in what they need to do. You can't expect this guy to do it on his own. He already admits he needs help by posting here. If she provides no help, Don't you think he'll hold resentment later? If they are to be a team, they need to work together.
Change in a relationship is never one sided, no matter the circumstances.
I've been married 26 years now, and I have had some very bad anger issues. Weak relationships would have folded, but we really do love each other. My wife has helped me learn, supported me when I needed help. She has guided me to self control, along with proffesional help.
If they are a team, shouldn't they work as a team? How does her leaving and wait for the all clear resolve any of thier problems?

jmho

 
Old 02-22-2012, 01:21 PM   #7
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

I was not suggesting she leave... I was suggesting he leave and go to work on his issues. She was the one assaulted, biting someone on the face is a vicious and horrible animalistic act. He needs to take responsibility for that, and get help. If I were her, I would have kicked him to the curb, changed the locks on the doors and changed my phone number.

The 16th of the month is the trigger, that is crazy and sounds like a simply excuse. What, 15 days to tell if the month is good, and if not, you can throw a fit and everyone should just understand?

I had a man bite me once, after breaking in my sliding glass door and doing donuts on my front yard. I called the police and he was arrested at work that very day and I still bear the scar. So my money is where my mouth is.

What should she have to do? She needs to protect herself, and he needs to get help. I would not suggest he even think about a relationship with another person without lots of help.

You might think of it as running away from a problem, I would call it running toward a solution. Any any woman who could allow such a thing to happen and welcome him right back in, is asking for another bite in the face to match the first one.

If you know you are capable of such an act of violence, it is up to you to curb your ability to get that close to someones face, not up to the victim to know to wear a hockey mask around the house.

Sorry to be so harsh, but really? Love doesn't bite.

Last edited by writeleft; 02-22-2012 at 01:24 PM.

 
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:55 PM   #8
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Re: Newbody: An Introduction - Coming Here After A Bad Incident That I Caused

I also agree with writeleft...

However,I'm EXTREMELY curious to know if he acted this way before being on zoloft. Some antidepressants can make people MORE agitated.Perhaps he is undiagnosed bipolar and is going through cycles? He probably needs a mood stabilizer.Antidepressants can make bipolar worse sometimes on their own.

He does need a GOOD psychiatrist,and should leave her alone until he feels more stable.Pushing himself on her if she wants him to go will only make her resent him more.

 
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