hi! i was searching online about mental disorder and i found this site.
i believe that i am mentally ill but i just do not know what kind of sickness i have. i do not really know how it started and when it started because it seems like I've been like this since i was a kid.
i easily get mad and easily get depress. sometimes i do not want to talk or go out my room. whenever i feel bad and really sad, i think of how to get rid of myself. sometimes i imagine hanging myself, thinking of getting a knife to stab my heart, a gun to shoot at my head, taking a bottle of medicine,etc.
when i get mad at someone, i always think something bad against that person. literally murdering that person in my head. i can't control my anger!
sometimes i cry hard at night and ask god what is wrong with me. i keep on asking myself what is wrong with me. most of the time i do not understand me.
when i was studying in college i failed most of my subjects and this was not because i was not smart but because i always lose interest in going to my classes after midterms. i do not hangout but i just like to stay inside my room and do nothing.
i also used illegal drugs. it was my way to forget things and escape the world and my family does not know about this but i stopped for a very long time already because it was such a waste of money and it ruined my life some more.
i asked my family to send me to a psychiatrist but nothing happened. i've been asking help for about 14 years now but i haven't got any.
i'm not close to my family because they say i'm hard to understand but whenever i do something bad or say something mean i always feel guilty and i just cry silently.
i never show them i cry or show them i'm not tough! and i do not know why i do not know how to say what i feel inside. i just yell at them and get lost then cry and think of suicide.
i'm not really a bad person. i always want to help people and i have a kind heart but when i am mad, i turn into a monster.
there are still so many things that i want to share and ask but this post is already too long.
Have you looked on the depression board? There are TONS of success stories and suggestions listed at the top of the page. You should try any, and all of these. Now you mentioned that you talked to a therapist as well. Did you go the full time? What was the outcome of that? Do you exercise? Sorry, just some questions that jumped out at me.
You say that you avoid classes when you were in college and hence did not do well, maybe you chose a subject that you were not interested in. Just thinking though, how has life progressed since college? Perhaps if you are working now you can study psychology to an extent and you will get a lot of answers about the world around you. Currently it seems like you know a lot about yourself and people that you have been involved with but have not been able to put them together just yet. In the mean time, check out bipolar depression/personality. I am not suggesting that you are suffering from it but personally, when I read or study about it, I feel connected to a level.
I say this because I usually have spells of good days and then all of a sudden from a small trigger I can fall into a spell of depression and the whole world seems like a place to avoid which in reality means that I would like to just stay in one place doing nothing, torture myself mentally with negative thoughts, possibly similar to the ones you have faced.
Let me know how you get on with your personal analysis. Thanks