One of my personalities is exhausting me
Not sure if I have the right forum, so forgive me if this is incorrect. This is an issue that is very hard to explain and probably hits on more than one forum. I have depression/ADHD/OCD/addictive personality/anxiety disorder and probably several more undiagnosed disorders. One of the biggest things I have really started to notice is that I am terrible at conversing with people. I have like 1-2 really close friends that I have had since childhood, then several other friends. I have noticed that my wife talks on the phone for hours at a time to different people, but no one ever calls me. At work I like to talk to my coworkers, but after about 10-15 minutes I start mentally trying to find ways to get out of the conversation. I just feel like I have to get back to work, even if I just go sit at my cube and pretend to work.
The thing is, I am terrible at long conversation. I can talk to someone for a few minutes, general how are you doing, but thats when I start getting anxious. God forbid if there is silence between me and someone else, thats when I start saying stupid things. If I had a dollar for every time someone said "Dude, there are kids around!" or "You might want to lower your voice if you are talking about that". Its like I get anxious, then I feel like I am not entertaining people, and I panic because I can't think of anything, and then the filter between my brain and my mouth explodes and I just don't seem to notice that I am saying something inappropriate.
Also I have noticed that people just aren't interested in anything I am saying. I have some friends that start talking and they are somehow able to keep everyone listening, even if the story they are telling isn't that interesting. I can tell that the people listening are fidgeting with their phones or looking at their watches, but they at least TRY to seem interested. When I talk, people just interrupt me and don't even give the illusion they are interested in what I have to say. It really makes me sad that I have nothing anyone is interested in hearing, and of course that makes me even more anxious and I'm sure I overcompensate by trying to be louder. Its the single child "look at me!" syndrome. Some people are just good at telling stories I guess, and my brain is so scattered and jumbled that even inside my head I can't keep a single thought clear. Also I seem to have the WORST timing when trying to talk. You know how they say that comedy is all about timing, well I will never have a career in comedy. If I am out with a group of people, I always pick the wrong time to start talking, like ok I have something to say, waiting for my turn, OK I start talking- right at the waiter walks up to get our order. Or at home I wait my turn, then start talking right as our 3 year old runs up screaming. How can one person have such terrible timing at every turn?
Which brings me back to the title of my post. Whenever I go out anywhere with my wife or coworkers, I try to switch over to my outgoing interesting guy personality, which is exhausting for me. I just feel like my normal life is so boring and routine that I have nothing to contribute in conversation. Nobody wants to hear how I worked on computer networks and then cleaned my house and played with my kids. I have become as boring a person as I have dreaded I would become. Sorry again for the downer post, these forums help me clear my head a bit and try to at least list out what I am feeling.