I will not give in to depression. I need to continue to live my life. I have bills to pay, need to get out of debt, find someone to love, be able to feel it when I do, be able to do it when I feel, I have people that care about me, 1 less person that needs me, and I will not give in to depression.
That being said, my heart should be shattered. The woman I was in a relationship with for the past 10 years is moving on with her life. She wanted to marry me.
I am taking classes at a community college, trying to get myself in a position to be able to provide for a wife. She doesn't provide for herself. I wish she would, but she doesn't. I won't take the responsibility of covering all the bills and expenses involved with being married to her until I am able to carry that.
I don't know that I would want to take that on if I could. She has her issues as much as I do. But now it's over.
She still lives here. We can't just pick up and leave the other high and dry as far as living expenses. I promised, when we moved in together, I would not abandon her and she made the same promise. We are keeping each other posted and I am looking for a roommate, because she plans to move out in the next month. But in the meantime, I have to sit here and listen and watch (or try to ignore) whatever develops with her new boyfriend, whoever that is this week.
I should throw a fit. I should be bouncing off the walls. I should be crying and freaking out and laying awake at night asking "Why, WHY, WHY???"
But I don't. I feel some vague sense of loss, just a disconnected feeling whenever she talks about her boyfriend and then remember that it isn't me. Things that should make me feel something just hit me, ball up and roll off, like water on waxpaper. Where are the tears?
This isn't new either. It's probably a lot of what destroyed the relationship.
Now I need to move on. I need to spend some time alone and figure out what it's like just to be me.
I think I wanted out anyway. I have a major issue with being able to trust her. She has either screwed around on me or tried to 7 times over the past 10 years.
Now that it's over, she jumps into relationships at a moment's notice with people she has just met. The more I see that, the better I feel about having never married her. I'm not what she needs. If I was she wouldn't have me any other way, I wouldn't have her any other way, and as it turns out, I would also be black. Which I'm not.
I hate to think how long into a marriage we would have been before she realized that white guys just ain't where it's at for her.
So I really can't say I'm sorry I didn't marry her.
I know this is long and rambling, but I don't have anyone to unload on. I don't want to give my name here, because I'm not interested in airing my dirty laundry in the public eye.
I don't have anyone who is on both sides. I know God is, but I don't seem to be hearing much from Him lately.
If I talk to my people, they are all predisposed to say "Well, you deserve better than her anyway!" Not helpful. And whether or not it may be true, it's not what I'm looking for.
Can't talk to her people for the same reason, only in reverse. They always liked me before, but now that it's over, they don't want anything to do with me.
Plus there are things that, out of respect to her, I just don't want to talk to people about. She doesn't tend to be all that private, but, that's her prerogative, not what I consider to be mine.
I just want to feel again. I want to love again. I want to feel it when I am loved. The tank where I keep my capacity to love and be loved is full of rocks and I cannot and will not lug that crap into my next relationship. I'm 53 years old, and don't want to grow old this way.