ADHD? OCD? Nothing? I am very conflicted about what goes on inside my head, esp late at night.
I have rapid, changing thoughts and I seem to always hone in on things in the past (parents' divorce, being poor, body image) even though I am okay now and involved a great new job with loving parents. My mom calls it "my demons" (Not in a religious sense, but she has a history with PMDD, hypothyroidism and depression) and thinks I am too hard on myself and that it has something to do with having a high IQ.. I am no genius but I do tend to look at life in a gestalt manner which can come across as being smart but I think it contributes to my issue. I get really concentrated on how unsatisfied I am with life and things to do with the big picture when I am alone. I have told my older sister it's like whenever I am not entertained by work, parties, or activities I go into a dark place. Sidenote: sister was blindsided that I had a 'dark place', I think I am completely able to get myself out of the dark place if I have to, but it comes back all the time.
I just constantly am compartmentalizing these darker thoughts and pushing them back, and I fear that it's interfering with my social and love life, but no one would ever know that because I am fearful of appearing vulnerable. I find myself looking for bad things in people even when they don't present it and I barely trust men and get anxious in relationships. People would say that I am quite social and a good time, but when I get back to being alone my mind races. I do lots of activities with lots of organizations and people, which seems to help, but I can't put my finger on what's going on but I am just becoming obsessed with this strange sense of resentment and unfulfilledness.
Anyone out there feel even just a tiny bit like me? :confused: To top it all off I know how to look for the hidden agenda in tests so I never feel like I am answering honestly :dizzy:
I can relate to the habit of ruminating when I'm alone. I think it's fairly common to focus on and analyze our past, present or future, but I'm not sure if there's a specific label to attach to such behavior. While it can be beneficial sometimes to do such analyzing, it's often more harmful in the sense you may focus too much on the negative and/or obsess about it because you're not able to find an explanation or a solution for whatever it is that you're focusing on. The other downside to excessive rumination is it can be a distraction that prevents you from enjoying the minor and major things in your day-to-day life.
What I've found helpful to change this behavior is talking to a therapist who understands how I think but is also familiar with techniques to reduce unhealthy and excessive negative thoughts.
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