Stretched too thin?
So, I'm obviously new here and I hate doing that thing where I sign up and immediately post a whole huge thing about what's wrong in my life.. but I guess I am going to do that anyway. This is going to be a rather long post and i'm not sure if i'm posting this in the correct place.. so, sorry.
I'm not really sure where to start. But very recently, in the past few months I have come to terms with the idea that I might be a little.. stressed, or confused with my life, or perhaps really in need of some type of counciling.
I'm going to start from the beginning.. and i'm really narrowing this down to just what I think may be important for you to get a glimps of my situation. I was always sort of a sheltered child. I never hung out with friends. I was never very outspoken. I have always been very shy around other people. It's like I have to force socializing. My parents aren't the type to tell you things like, good job, and that they're proud of you. I have never had anything hung up on the fridge, and I have never once had my mom hug me or tell me that she loves me. Unless I say it first.
My parents show affection through gifts. Not hugs. Not kisses. I wasn't allowed outside past 7PM, even when I was eighteen. Not that I would have anyway.
I find it very hard to keep relationships with people.. unless it's through facebook.. or texting. I make plans to hand out with friends.. and I always get anxious when it comes time for it and end up canceling. I have a few close friends. My fiance who I now live with, who is extremely patient with me, and someone who I have never met before, who knows everything and nothing about me.
My fiance and I don't have the best relationship anymore. We barely get by, and we are always fighting about bills, and money. I think I may somewhat resent him. Because before we started dating (we have been together for four years) I did have money. I didn't have to worry about bills. He talks too much, and he is too angry, he stresses me out, and I ignore him.. for the friend who I have never met before. Who I have lied to about who I really am for many, many years. I cannot meet this person for this reason.
But I cannot seem to stop talking to them. And, I have tried, and it scares me. Because I feel like I need the communication. But I know how unhealthy it all is. I would rather sit at home alone, and talk to this person than do anything else..
I have been extremely stressed as of lately, and my unhealthy habits seem to be getting worse. I do work sixty hours a week. But I seem to have a hard time making any healthy relationships at work. I feel anxious about going to work. I feel like everyone is out to get me, and that's all I can think about. I am also in school part time, and I get very anxious about going to school too.
I know I am stressed.. I go to school from 6AM - 12PM, and work from 12PM to 12AM, Monday through Friday.. and 6AM to 6PM on Saturday. I also have to pay for all of the bills. Including my school. I rarely have time for myself, and he just seems to make it worse.
I feel anxious all the time. I get this heavy feeling in my stomach when I know I have work or school the next day. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. The only thing that keeps me from complete insanity is being able to come home and relax and talk to this friend..
I have recently developed this.. really bad habit, of biting my nails and the skin around them. I know it's gross.. and I have tried things to stop. I just catch myself doing it.
I just don't know what to do, or quite frankly what's wrong with me. Everything just seems to be getting worse and I hate being in control everything, because I'm scared, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I know that i'm all over the place with this post, and I feel silly for even typing it.. but thanks for reading if you did.