I don't know what to do anymore
Hello, and I apologize very much so if it's wrong I make this thread here, I was confused about it even after reading the stickies so I am very very sorry.
I no longer know what to do, first of all I CAN'T have access by any chance to a doctor, I have no money nor health care stuff nor anything of the sort, second of all I don't live in the US nor Europe so my country is very very ****** with public health care and way behind on medicine, imo...
Well, I simply don't know what to do. I was diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, Bipolar disorder, Manic depressive and Ive been reported to be highly anxious an have a severe chemical issue going on, then I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and I am unsure I fit the criteria?
I am fine mostly (now), back in the day I was mostly NOT fine, not fine includes the thoughts of self harm, wanting to disappear, wishing I'll never wake up again, unwillingness to go on about my day, I feel ugly, it hurts inside somehow I can't explain it. Being fine includes being quasi normal nd not having these thoughts.
Furthermore I am pretty damn sure I see or hear things that I reckon people don't. When I was younger I had records of having witnessed things never happened. Now a days there's memories of me that seem to hve been altered by perhpaps, myself? I seem to even have bent reality. I also seem to bend reality on a daily basis without meaning to. I truly believe stuff I say myself.
When I was a kid I had no friends, they didn't get me! They couldn't hear things I could, they were also all mean and dumb. Now a days I have plenty friends, I am and lways been very talky, charismatic and social, according to my family and friends I am hella smart too, how could I have Asperger's then? The whole socially awkward doesn't get any less awkward, I been around kids with Asperger, grown ups with AS and many others and really don't feel like I match the criteria.
However my AS diagnose did prove my BDI-II is very high and so are my anxiety levels. My diagnose also shown that my empathy quotient is very high (remarked as completely odd when compared against any AS patient) and that my IQ is very high and so is my other Q which's name I forgot... the one about mechanics and stuff...
I also have very odd sleeping patterns, my partners also say I sleep in very odd or ridiculous positions, I am constantly paranoid about most stuff, I have eating disorders also and somehow my life is a mess without being a mess, huh? that doesn't make sense!
I have plenty friends and a very active social life, I go out every day, I work, etc, but it pains me so much I am always confused or entangled in these thoughts, voices and so on. Well, my job wont let me pay for doctor atm, all I earn goes into my rent, I am pretty much by myself.
And I don't know anymore, I am having one of my ''episode'' days so my boyfriend calls em, in which I am very depressed I want nothing at all to do with anything I wont go out and I will pretty much try for everyone to go away and stay away, I also wanna rid of em but I don't tell em that, I know that's wrong? My boyfriend can't pay for my health either, both of our lives have been a mess recently. :(
Please help me any way possible, I am desperate, I been like this my whole life and I seriously can no longer take it. I can control it, sure, somedays I just can't, and I really need to move forward. I need to know what's wrong with me, I am positive I been misdiagnosed all the way, or perhaps I been half assed diagnosed?! I don't know...
I forgot to mention I have spent up to months secluded in my own house or room without any social activity, school or work, such thing I was doing myself and nobody forced me to. I am also manic when I am depressed, I feel very angry and I dont know how to put it.
I also vent a lot and suffer from disorganized speech, I lose track of what I am talking about, or simply forget and change the topic without noticing I have done so, I always ''make phrases too long'' as well. :/
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
I'm sorry that you've experienced such long term problems, and that you can't afford professional help at the moment. The fact that you've articulated your problems in such an objective way (even though the source of the problems themselves sound unclear) suggests to me that you definitely don't have Asperger Syndrome.
You didn't mention whether you were on any medication, but from the range of problems you described I wonder if cutting out completely any alcohol, cigarettes, or recreational drugs of any kind might be beneficial. (I have no idea if you do any of these, just saying though...quitting everything gave me a much more balanced and calmer perspective on my own problems)
I'm afraid I can't really advise on a lot of what you're describing here because I have no experience of many of the things you mentioned, I hope you can pull through because you sound like a good person who is genuine, and deserves to get over this stuff.
Best of luck...
Re: I don't know what to do anymore
Well, thank you for too believing I don't have AS. I don't think it's bad but I do think it's wrong that they just decided to tell me I have something instead of looking further.
I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke cigarrettes anymore, I smoke tops 3 joins a month or none at all (friends gather or hang out when it's present) and haven't done any other recreational drugs.
I been medicated only once with rivotril, total of 2mg a day with no efficiency whatsoever and no radical changes seen through it, so it also got suspended off my diet quite quickly (six months on it until they decided it sure wasn't effective).
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