| | Don't know how anymore... low self-esteem
Hello, I'm new here. I don't have a mental health doctor or a counselor of any sort, but I finally decided to share my lowself esteem issues with other people. Maybe sharing this can help in a way.
I'm 28 years old and I've always suffered from low self-esteem to the point where I think it is safe to say I really donI't know what its like to feel well...normal. Maybe for except one time...and so my Ooooo story begins.
A little history about myself. I grew up a loser. A dork. A loner. I was that kid nobody liked at school. Why, because I was weird. I was careless with myself. I was hyperactive and I was suffering from OCD. I used to spit a lot because I was afraid I was swallowing germs that would make me sick. As I got older. I didn't have a normal teenhood. I was usually cooped up at home. I was overweight, and didn't seek a normal social life. I was still a weirdo and kind of stupid. I did bad in school. My mother babied me a lot. As I got older puberty gave me a desire for the opposite sex. And this is where it hit me hard. Girls didn't like me. I felt so unattractive and disgusting. I decided to lose weight so I can get noticed, because I was feeling lonely and I got tired of everyone living normal teenage years. I wanted to be like the other guys. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated.
I tortured myself trying to look my best. I thought that if I fixed my appearance, I would find somebody but little did I know that I needed to go out a little more. I was so out of it, I had really poor social skills and I kept stubbornly trying to fix my appearance. My family noticed and they worried about me. Over the years I felt more and more lonely. If it wasn't for my mother and nephew I don't know what I would of done. I was 21 and still a virgin. Only kissed a girl once during a vacation trip. Atleast at the time i could be good enough for someone. My mothers health wasn't the best. I was taking care of her and going to school.
At that time I was determined to find somebody to get me out of that low self-esteem. I struggled and struggled to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me again. After talking to a few people I met my future wife. It was all nice at first. You can tell how desperate I was. I got married in 6 months after meeting her.
After that I joined the military, had 2 kids, saw the passing of 4 close relatives including my mother. It was a downward spiral. I was unhappy with my marriage and even disgusted with my wife. I needed out. I decided to seperate and tried to break up. I went to hell and back in the process. It was a long and hard struggle. Finally she accepted my desire to start a new life on my own. I thought that marriage would fix my problems but in the end it made a lot of them worst. At around that time I met another girl. We never got romatically involved, and she even had a boyfriend. But she made me feel so good about myself. She was so beautiful and even told me that she thought I was cute. The last time I heard that was 8 years before. She was something else. Everything my wife wasn't. She had a boyfriend, but I was out to have her as soon as i left my wife. I felt so good about myself...almost like I could spread out wings and fly with joy and elegance. I felt that I could have any woman I want. I felt like a man for the first time. I had self-esteem again...in almost a decade.
But as everything else in my life...it ended. The girl moved to another job site, and I started talking to a girl online and it only lasted a few weeks. Everytime my wife found out I was talking to somebody, she turned evil even though we were seperated and not getting back together. I lived at my mother-in-law's house and living with that lady I can say contributed a lot to my problems. All my life I got pushed down and belittled. After a while of being sperated I missed my children. I even missed my wife but I didn't want to be married anymore. I just wanted to spend time with them. I love my children, but I have no romantic feelings towards my wife. I'm miserable because I feel like she wasn't the right one for me. I feel like I deserved better. I still try to get attention from other woman. It feeks so good when I get noticed the very few tines it happens. I still feel like there's something wrong with me, perhaps I still lack something other guys have. I still have OCD and I still try to look and be perfect. I bash myself and even hate myself at times. I know I have a woman that loves me but I doesn't feel the same..maybe because of the previous bad experiences. I stopped having sex with her and she says she can't wait to die. It was better when we were away from each other. I'm not in love, but I still enjoy being with them. As far as my low self esteem. I'm looking for all the sex I can get. I haven't attempted it, but I feel like that's the only way I can feel attractive and worthy of being wanted by other women. I know this is all morally wrong. I know this makes me a pretty dispicable person in a way, but I have a lot of inner demons. I don't feel like im good enough for life...
If I could turn back time...
Last edited by Miggy2079; 06-02-2012 at 01:15 AM.