Hello, I'm new here. I don't have a mental health doctor or a counselor of any sort, but I finally decided to share my lowself esteem issues with other people. Maybe sharing this can help in a way.
I'm 28 years old and I've always suffered from low self-esteem to the point where I think it is safe to say I really donI't know what its like to feel well...normal. Maybe for except one time...and so my Ooooo story begins.
A little history about myself. I grew up a loser. A dork. A loner. I was that kid nobody liked at school. Why, because I was weird. I was careless with myself. I was hyperactive and I was suffering from OCD. I used to spit a lot because I was afraid I was swallowing germs that would make me sick. As I got older. I didn't have a normal teenhood. I was usually cooped up at home. I was overweight, and didn't seek a normal social life. I was still a weirdo and kind of stupid. I did bad in school. My mother babied me a lot. As I got older puberty gave me a desire for the opposite sex. And this is where it hit me hard. Girls didn't like me. I felt so unattractive and disgusting. I decided to lose weight so I can get noticed, because I was feeling lonely and I got tired of everyone living normal teenage years. I wanted to be like the other guys. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated.
I tortured myself trying to look my best. I thought that if I fixed my appearance, I would find somebody but little did I know that I needed to go out a little more. I was so out of it, I had really poor social skills and I kept stubbornly trying to fix my appearance. My family noticed and they worried about me. Over the years I felt more and more lonely. If it wasn't for my mother and nephew I don't know what I would of done. I was 21 and still a virgin. Only kissed a girl once during a vacation trip. Atleast at the time i could be good enough for someone. My mothers health wasn't the best. I was taking care of her and going to school.
At that time I was determined to find somebody to get me out of that low self-esteem. I struggled and struggled to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me again. After talking to a few people I met my future wife. It was all nice at first. You can tell how desperate I was. I got married in 6 months after meeting her.
After that I joined the military, had 2 kids, saw the passing of 4 close relatives including my mother. It was a downward spiral. I was unhappy with my marriage and even disgusted with my wife. I needed out. I decided to seperate and tried to break up. I went to hell and back in the process. It was a long and hard struggle. Finally she accepted my desire to start a new life on my own. I thought that marriage would fix my problems but in the end it made a lot of them worst. At around that time I met another girl. We never got romatically involved, and she even had a boyfriend. But she made me feel so good about myself. She was so beautiful and even told me that she thought I was cute. The last time I heard that was 8 years before. She was something else. Everything my wife wasn't. She had a boyfriend, but I was out to have her as soon as i left my wife. I felt so good about myself...almost like I could spread out wings and fly with joy and elegance. I felt that I could have any woman I want. I felt like a man for the first time. I had self-esteem again...in almost a decade.
But as everything else in my life...it ended. The girl moved to another job site, and I started talking to a girl online and it only lasted a few weeks. Everytime my wife found out I was talking to somebody, she turned evil even though we were seperated and not getting back together. I lived at my mother-in-law's house and living with that lady I can say contributed a lot to my problems. All my life I got pushed down and belittled. After a while of being sperated I missed my children. I even missed my wife but I didn't want to be married anymore. I just wanted to spend time with them. I love my children, but I have no romantic feelings towards my wife. I'm miserable because I feel like she wasn't the right one for me. I feel like I deserved better. I still try to get attention from other woman. It feeks so good when I get noticed the very few tines it happens. I still feel like there's something wrong with me, perhaps I still lack something other guys have. I still have OCD and I still try to look and be perfect. I bash myself and even hate myself at times. I know I have a woman that loves me but I doesn't feel the same..maybe because of the previous bad experiences. I stopped having sex with her and she says she can't wait to die. It was better when we were away from each other. I'm not in love, but I still enjoy being with them. As far as my low self esteem. I'm looking for all the sex I can get. I haven't attempted it, but I feel like that's the only way I can feel attractive and worthy of being wanted by other women. I know this is all morally wrong. I know this makes me a pretty dispicable person in a way, but I have a lot of inner demons. I don't feel like im good enough for life...
Sound like 'emotional issue,' rather than mental as reading the detailed and lengthy description, above.
In the case of mental issue, .... mild form of depression along with OCD, but it sounds like NOT serious enough to take any of anti-depressant meds. which sometime causing sexual difficulty, but not everyone but among them. Then, you'd better to talk to the dr. before taking if that's what you need. Because, sounds to me like you count on girls you dated or dating, for the majority of your happiness and self-esteen in its process. Lucky to be, your wife is still there to help you out, so to speak, 'rain or shine.' It sounds she is a right one to share the life and issues you're having, but it's certainly up to you.
I'd suggest you trying to find a good counselor or therapist for the reason why you've been feeling that way, low self-esteen and the such. However, in my opinion, it's more likely 'emotional issue,' not 'mental issue' for the counsultation and guidance from the professional counselor/therapist.
You have kids now, you're no longer your first priority. As a parent, you must put your own needs aside and see to it that your children are being properly loved and provided for. Maybe in the process you'll find a new source of self-worth.
You need to deal with your self-esteem for you and take responsibility for your own emotional health. You're relying on other people to reflect what you want to be, and as you have found out, this doesn't work. No matter how much you get from other people, if you loathe yourself as much as you seem to do, it will never fill that hole. Just look at the terms you use to describe yourself. You have a vicious inner critic, whom you must stop listening to. It is hard, but for your own self respect, you must not let this inner voice put you down any more. There are many books on these issues, I suggest you start by finding some in your library and get reading. A therapist would be helpful too. Sera