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Old 06-05-2012, 08:23 PM   #1
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If Anyone Could Help

Hello,
I was wondering if anyone would be able or willing to offer some insight on my situation. I'm 34 years old. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and social anxiety at age 18. I have tried every SSRI under the sun since that time. I even had several years where I took no medication at all. I've also seen random psychiatrists and counselors since my initial diagnosis.

In the past year, I have been to three different Psychiatrists, and have also battled an addiction to Adderall(due to the fact that Psych #1 thought I might have ADD), which I've now finally stopped successfully. I've also been involved in a day program, and an inpatient program(in part to detox from Adderall). Everyone keeps coming back to the same thing; MDD.. I'm not convinced.. Finally, at the inpatient program I recently took part in, a counselor did suggest the idea that I am cycling.. but said it was probably a more undefined type of bi-polar. I have been toying with the idea that I'm either bi-polar or possibly even borderline. I know that I'm not equipped to diagnose myself; I get that, but damnit; no mental health professional cares as much as I do, or is willing to take the time to really investigate, and I have too much to lose. I am a father to a beautiful two year old, and I have a lovely wife who is at her wits end with me..

To give a little backstory.. I was raised by my mother and grandmother. I have never met my father, and had a very close relationship with my mother. Both my mother and grandmother have passed away. Mom when I was in early 20s, and grandmother just recently. As a child, I had depression, guilt, and some mild hypochondriac symptoms- even as a young child. It seemed I would get these waves of depression; sometimes even on a daily basis, and this has continued into my adult life.. I will feel ok one moment, and then get this feeling of dread: "What am I going to do for the rest of the day?"; uneasiness, so to speak. Medication has been mildly helpful(mostly Zoloft), but there's also something to be said for being able to "feel" period, and I feel like most of the SSRIs have put me in something of a "filtered" mode. I won't get really depressed, but I won't get really happy either. I have difficulty with sexual issues, and struggle more with weight when I take them.. I am currently being treated with Wellbutrin(one week in), but I have concern, due to my issues with anxiety/agitation.

So, it doesn't seem that I have mania, but I will start a day out content, then have waves of depression throughout.. sometimes triggered by negative events from my past; sometimes not.. Some days I'm agitated, and more high strung, especially during the depressive periods. Without medication, I'm probably more high strung than the average joe, anyway. It just seems I am moody.. The Adderall certainly enhanced this, but it was present long before I ever took any Adderall.

I realize that no one here can diagnose me over the internet, LOL.. I just would like to know if anyone can relate to these types of symptoms? Do these symptoms sound like anything in particular? I have recently pondered the idea of ultradian bi-polar.. If anyone could help shed some light, I would really appreciate it.

 
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Old 06-06-2012, 09:25 AM   #2
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Re: If Anyone Could Help

If you actually have Bipolar, there are two cycles, one for depression and another for mania. Also, with Wellbutrin, anxiety getting worse because, as you suspected, the med. means for 'giving energy' with little efficacy of anti-depressant. Also, most of cases it's rx'ed conjuction with other meds. when your energy level is low.

In case of Bipolar, you need to take not only one med., but at least two different class of meds., Anti-depressant and mood-stabilizer. A very first one is anti-seizure meds. one of which is Depakote. It's widely rx'ed as mood-stabilizer upon dx'ed with Bipolar. Otherwise, most of psychiatrist prescribes 'anti-psycho' med., such as Zyprexa, Abilify and others.

In regard to sexual difficulty, it's because you have mental issue along with the med., anti-depressant, even Wellbutrin which is lesser degree, but still a problem among takers.

I would suggest you to seek more competent and expert psychiatrist at the mental dept., of local university, seeing that there is no ending for you to suffer from it even you worked so hard to find a right psychiatrist. If the university not able to dx appropriately your mental issue, hopefully they can refer to more authority about which I'm not sure tho'.

 
Old 06-23-2012, 11:37 PM   #3
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Re: If Anyone Could Help

Hello there. Your couselor might be onto something. I'll tell you a statistic my pdoc told me (I have BPI). He said 70% of teenagers who go into deep/lengthy depression will eventually emerge as bipolar. I always wondered how I went from being a happy teen into a severely depressed one, & that's when he brought it up. If you are bipolar, given your age and brief history given here, I'd guess BPII. I don't think you're in the ultradian population, based on what you've said. One can scare themselves with self-diagnosing, eh?, even tho you may feel forced into it. I hope you find the right help asap, so you can know for sure what you're dealing with. Best of luck to you!

Last edited by TinoRock; 06-23-2012 at 11:39 PM. Reason: typo

 
Old 06-27-2012, 06:50 PM   #4
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newpath3778 HB User
Re: If Anyone Could Help

Thank you both for your responses.. I'm a month in on Wellbutrin now, and don't seem to be feeling much of a benefit. Well, I should say that I'm not feeling what I would have expected from it. I'm not really getting THAT depressed, but I still have somewhat of that "filtered" feeling I mentioned before, and I get agitated/restless as the day progresses..

Right now, I'm doing Wellbutrin 150mg(was up to 300mg, but it was suggested to move back down because it maybe causing the agitation). I'm still on a low dose of Zoloft(50mg), but I'm supposed to be trading that out for Buspar, which I've been doing for four days at 30mg. I guess eventually I will be tapering off the Zoloft and going up to 60mg on Buspar.

I don't know.. It just sucks giving everything time to "possibly" work.. I'm not sure if I'm just still withdrawing from Adderall, or if the meds just haven't kicked in yet, or are not the right meds for me, but sometimes I just feel like jumping out of my skin(if that makes any sense, LOL). I know it's not good to self diagnose, but I just can't seem to shake the feeling that there might be something else going on rather than just MDD and Anxiety. Unfortunately, the counselor that brought up the idea of my having a form of bi-polar was not "my" personal counselor, but a counselor who was giving lectures to the group I was in. In any case, I do have a new counselor I've been working with recently, and maybe he will get to the bottom of things, and I can pass that information on to my Psychiatrist.

 
Old 06-27-2012, 06:56 PM   #5
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Re: If Anyone Could Help

Could the agitation/restlesness I feel be a form of Dsyphoria? Maybe brought on or intensified by the anti-depressants?

 
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