Don't feel human.
Is there anything wrong with me mentally? Or am I just a bad human being?
Am I crazy?
So let me start with when I was a kid.
When I was a kid, I was a very bright kid. I got straight A's all the way through Elementary school without even trying at all it seemed. I loved to read all the time. I was CONSTANTLY reading. I was also very good at video games. I was obsessed with all kinds of science and learning. But I also had a tough time concentrating, like focusing hard on things I would get a head ache at, somethings came naturally and because of it I was put into a "gifted" program for kids that show early signs of higher intelligence. But I was also diagnosed with both ADD and ADHD in elementary school but it goes beyond that I believe. I started developing stranger things. I started lucid dreaming as early as I started dreaming. Having full control of myself in my dreams. I also sometimes see myself from the outside perspective in my dreams. From third person and 2nd.
My dreams are incredibly realistic in every way sometimes. As real as actual life. In my dreams I fly a lot. I hover off the ground briefly after flapping my arms hard.
I sometimes believe my dreams are reality.
I sometimes confuse actual memories with my imagination and things that happened in my dreams. It actually happens quite often.
I have memories of somehow making my body hover by controlling air with my arms.
When I was a kid, I used to see a big black dog everywhere. Outside my window and everywhere.
I also would sometimes have like mini episodes where I would flash out during class.
It's like my whole life I have been living in two realities with my mind. Because the memories in my head are so real it's like I have actually lived them. And it happens when I am awake also, I experience and see it while I am doing other things.
I experience dejavu,Jamais vu,Presque vu,Déjà entendu all the time.
I sometimes get massive headaches and have to look away when I see corners of roofs, or protruding things in my directions from the back of cars or when pointy things are aimed at me.
I sometimes feel the need to have to touch things randomly. Like I HAVE to. Like the specific side of the pen to the paper, or touch a wall as I walk by or a fence, or pull a leave of a tree, and much much more.
I am constantly looking at woman but I do not feel like I really am attracted to them. I do not have any feelings anymore of love or anything. Even when I am having what feels like a great time I have always still felt empty.
I am always looking for companionship and a full on relationship but at the same time I always feel compelled to cheat.
I always make the wrong decisions all the time, and it keeps getting worse. I started having sex at age 16 and as I progressed through girls I started ruining relationships faster and faster and then started cheating and then more and more and now at the age of 20 I have had intercourse with over 40 girls, and probably been physically active with around 150 all together.
I feel like I love a girl but at the same time I feel nothing. I feel like my emotions and personality switches all the time.
I lie all the time and have no problem doing so, but I always feel guilty.
I do not know what I want ever or what is right or what is wrong.
I don't know anything.
I have done everything possible to ruin my life short of having a criminal record, drug addiction, baby or std.
But I see myself from the outside perspective all the time.
I have seen the universe and talked to god and seen reality and everything.
I am pretty sure I am insane.
Since I was a little kid, I have always seen myself from the outside perspective, At random times I will flash to a different perspective, it is so subtle I almost do not notice it. But sometimes everything in the entire universe flashes before my eyes and all of reality changes I just live through it. And it always happens, like on repeat. I have seen myself from not myself.
I have thoughts about death. I never want to die. I never want anyone to die. The only reason I would NEVER no matter what happens bring myself to killing myself or to purposely kill another person(unless it was me or them) is because all logic dictates, that when we die. There is nothing after. Nothing at all. Just nothing not experience anymore. The experience is what makes the suffering so ironic. I cannot end the experience because it is the only one I get, so I have to bear it. But I cannot at the same time. My mental health withers. I have had thoughts about death of myself and of others many times.
What happens after? Do I go to heaven? Hell? Or does reality shift and I just become part of time. Just space dust with nothing left?
I kinda breezed through middle school and highschool. Aced all my tests, never did homework. Got in trouble a lot. Standing up to bullies got me in trouble a lot. Got suspended a bunch of times. Accidentally swearing, having my cell phone ring, fighting a kid who pushed my friend. Was all about hanging out, video games, and girls. Hung out with a lot of bad kids in highschool.