Join Date: Jun 2012
What is wrong with me?
I have several problems, and I myself am still in the process of understanding myself better so the things I wrote might sound contradicting and confusing.
First, I feel unattached to anybody or anything. I have a peaceful family and some good friends, but I never miss them when they are not around, and I never feel the need to be with them. I canít be happy or be sad with them, or share my happiness or sadness. I can, though, be happy or be sad for them, but those are just sympathy. Some things that I thought important for me, I effortlessly felt nothing when theyĎre gone. And I still donít understand, by heart, why others want to be loved so badly. For example, my father was barely around during my childhood, the times when he was around werenít a good memory, and he was a cheater, but I was fine with those. I used to be scared at him though, but I didnít feel hurt or resent him at all. Now he has changed for the better, and it brings a new breeze to my family, but honestly I donít care.
Years ago, people said I was too introverted and thatís keeping them for being close to me. But every time I try to be open to them, I feel very uncomfortable. My Ďintrovertí self also had brought several problems, since my mother never used to be around an introvert person. So I play safe, telling people what they need to know, and since I have a good amount of sympathy, I can make others feel safe and cared by me. But I feel guilty. I mean, arenít Ďloveí and Ďcareí a good, full of effort and helpful things? Isnít it unfair that they love me but not only I donít love them back, I also canít feel the love they give?
Second, I feel this strong rejection toward Ďtouch of affectioní. I felt disgusted every time anyone touched me to show their affection, whether itís my family, close relatives, friends, or boyfriend. I constantly try hard to forget the memories of those touches, because every time I remember them, Iíd scratch the places they touched till the skin came off. Itís not like I did it unconsciously, I just felt it was a natural thing to do.
Third, thereíre no good or bad people in my world. Thereíre only better or worse people. But it doesnít come in handy. I canít even recognize when someone is Ďmeaní to me, because all I can think is Ďah Iím so stupid to let someone do this to meí and be angry at myself. I barely can defend myself in any argument because I immediately agree with bad things people said about me, and it causes me to hate myself more. But at the same time I would also hate myself for various reasons if I hurt someone to defend myself. This also happens when someone being Ďniceí. Iím guessing I have this superior-inferior complex kind of thing.
This Ďhatredí grows to be unhealthy for me. Now I donít like to see any picture of myself, I donít like if anyone take a picture of me, and I always avert my sight from the mirror whenever I see my own reflection unintentionally. I just donít want to see it. Itís not like Iím ugly or intellectually lacking. Iím actually quite attractive and just entered one of the best universities at my country. I kind of hate myself for hating myself despite of all the good traits I have. Itís a vicious cycle. At the times my hatred toward myself is at its peak, I feel so itchy inside my whole body, and I canít stop thinking that thereís something inside me that makes me so Ďuglyí and I have to get it out in any way, like peeling my skin off. But fortunately I havenít gone crazy enough to actually do it.
Forth, thereíre times when I feel like I live my life floating. I have nothing important, no one I love, nothing I can put as a priority, and things lost their meaning one by one. If I were to be dead today, if the world were to be doomed today, I wouldnít mind. But itís not like I want to die. Even the sympathy, the guilty feeling, the hatred I have toward myself, sometimes could just be gone, like they had never been real from the first place. When those times come, I feel so light, cold, empty, and relax. Just, what is that?
Iím still 17, so are these just parts of my puberty? Or do I need help?