I have several problems, and I myself am still in the process of understanding myself better so the things I wrote might sound contradicting and confusing.
First, I feel unattached to anybody or anything. I have a peaceful family and some good friends, but I never miss them when they are not around, and I never feel the need to be with them. I canít be happy or be sad with them, or share my happiness or sadness. I can, though, be happy or be sad for them, but those are just sympathy. Some things that I thought important for me, I effortlessly felt nothing when theyĎre gone. And I still donít understand, by heart, why others want to be loved so badly. For example, my father was barely around during my childhood, the times when he was around werenít a good memory, and he was a cheater, but I was fine with those. I used to be scared at him though, but I didnít feel hurt or resent him at all. Now he has changed for the better, and it brings a new breeze to my family, but honestly I donít care.
Years ago, people said I was too introverted and thatís keeping them for being close to me. But every time I try to be open to them, I feel very uncomfortable. My Ďintrovertí self also had brought several problems, since my mother never used to be around an introvert person. So I play safe, telling people what they need to know, and since I have a good amount of sympathy, I can make others feel safe and cared by me. But I feel guilty. I mean, arenít Ďloveí and Ďcareí a good, full of effort and helpful things? Isnít it unfair that they love me but not only I donít love them back, I also canít feel the love they give?
Second, I feel this strong rejection toward Ďtouch of affectioní. I felt disgusted every time anyone touched me to show their affection, whether itís my family, close relatives, friends, or boyfriend. I constantly try hard to forget the memories of those touches, because every time I remember them, Iíd scratch the places they touched till the skin came off. Itís not like I did it unconsciously, I just felt it was a natural thing to do.
Third, thereíre no good or bad people in my world. Thereíre only better or worse people. But it doesnít come in handy. I canít even recognize when someone is Ďmeaní to me, because all I can think is Ďah Iím so stupid to let someone do this to meí and be angry at myself. I barely can defend myself in any argument because I immediately agree with bad things people said about me, and it causes me to hate myself more. But at the same time I would also hate myself for various reasons if I hurt someone to defend myself. This also happens when someone being Ďniceí. Iím guessing I have this superior-inferior complex kind of thing.
This Ďhatredí grows to be unhealthy for me. Now I donít like to see any picture of myself, I donít like if anyone take a picture of me, and I always avert my sight from the mirror whenever I see my own reflection unintentionally. I just donít want to see it. Itís not like Iím ugly or intellectually lacking. Iím actually quite attractive and just entered one of the best universities at my country. I kind of hate myself for hating myself despite of all the good traits I have. Itís a vicious cycle. At the times my hatred toward myself is at its peak, I feel so itchy inside my whole body, and I canít stop thinking that thereís something inside me that makes me so Ďuglyí and I have to get it out in any way, like peeling my skin off. But fortunately I havenít gone crazy enough to actually do it.
Forth, thereíre times when I feel like I live my life floating. I have nothing important, no one I love, nothing I can put as a priority, and things lost their meaning one by one. If I were to be dead today, if the world were to be doomed today, I wouldnít mind. But itís not like I want to die. Even the sympathy, the guilty feeling, the hatred I have toward myself, sometimes could just be gone, like they had never been real from the first place. When those times come, I feel so light, cold, empty, and relax. Just, what is that?
Iím still 17, so are these just parts of my puberty? Or do I need help?
I think you could benefit from talking to a therapist or someone. You've acknowledged your self-hatred is unhealthy and your difficulty with emotionally connecting with others is problematic. It sounds like you're very aware of what is troubling you but you don't know how to resolve these problems. I think if you could find a way to feel loved by your family and friends you may feel a lot less hatred towards yourself.
Thank you for your reply, flamesabers. Actually this isn't the first time someone, through online, suggest me to go to a therapist. The thing is, in my environment, come and go to a therapist means that you're not so sane. When I said that maybe I need to go to a psychiatrist or something, people laughed because they thought I was joking. But I have, though, go to a psychologist. It wasn't really helping, really, since I was lectured by theories I had known already.
"I think if you could find a way to feel loved by your family and friends you may feel a lot less hatred towards yourself."
This one is a really interesting sentence. I've been struggling about this since long ago. How can I believe someone love me, when not even I do? But how can I love myself, when nobody else do?
Ideally a good psychologist will listen to your concerns rather than lecture you with theories. Unfortunately it made require searching around a bit to find a psychologist you like.
I think something you can look into is the five languages of love. People can have preferences for one or two languages over the others. For example, for me it's much easier to express my love for someone through acts of service and quality time than words of affection. It may be possible your family and friends aren't expressing that particular language of love that is most meaningful to you.
As far as loving yourself, it's not an easy or quick process but one way to believe you are lovable to others is to gradually accept and appreciate yourself.
A lot of the things you mentioned is how I feel about myself too so I know how you feel. I don't have any answers for you because I'm struggling myself. But I can just tell you you're not alone and I second what flamesabers said about The Five Languages Of Love. I ordered the book on ebay and I love it. It really does open your eyes on how to love.