Join Date: Jul 2012
Can you help me understand myself? do i have a problem?
Hi all, so can i just start by saying, i've known the way i lead me life has been different for years, i always just assumed that was me, but recently somebody commented on something i said, and its got me thinking a lot about myself, i don't know if there is something wrong but something definitely isn't right, and i am hoping somebody here can understand and possibly help me, i apologise for the length in advance, and i hope the spelling and grammar is OK.
so where to start?
i am 19, i am going into 3rd year of uni after getting an over 80% average, i am a little overweight, about 5'10, i stay at home at the weekends with my parents, and in a flat with 3 guys and a girl during the week at uni, i work in a local supermarket, i have a girlfriend of 5 months, but if you ask me its complicated(later) financially I am also fine, i am also an atheist, i know i have got things so good compared to a lot of people,
but in my head nothing sits right for me.
i struggle to "feel" anything for anything.
the only things in life i truly feel for are my dog, and my gf, even if thats not reciprocated.
i care about my mum and dad, but i sometimes feel like i don't know them at all, put this down to teen rebellion if you want, but i dont identify with them, in my opinion all they do is stand in my way, sometimes it even feels like a game, especially with my mum, who dislikes everybody i call a friend, my gf, and still criticises my efforts at uni.
however i am getting side tracked. i dont know exactly how to put into words how i think, but i will try.
the best colour i can use to describe my life is grey (cliche i know) day to day, i feel bored, unmotivated, other peoples small problems frustrate me, but i never say anything, literally i can go though a day without feeling anything. i've not cried since i was 12. i laugh because its the correct thing to do socially, i have no problem interacting with people at all, and in no way do i take my emotions out on them, i smile and go along with it day to day, with this deep sense of hollowness to every conversation...as i type this i am realising just how little i really feel day to day. i know most people dont give two s**** about me, as soon as they turn their back, so why would i value their conversation when its only a vessle for them usually to pass time (at work esp) im sure they are nice enough people however.
ill get onto the thing that been on my mind the most recently, and that my so called girlfriend, i say so called, because dispite the fact i think she is amazing, when we are together, that same hollowness that is in conversation creeps in, it never used too, but now it does. as a foresight to what i am going to say-- I know i should probably dump her and move on for these reasons: we have been together for 5 months, and we have only kissed, we have had the opertunity to do so much more, but its never happing, i spend so much time and a decent amount to money and put so much emotional effort into her, and i get nothing back, as a guy i shouldnt probally say this, but i want her to cuddle me, just me and her, somewhere safe, and i want to feel loved, not hurt like i do everytime i see her and my feelings dont get reciprocated, also she never stops talking about one guy, obviously amoungs other things, and ive asked her if she wanted to be with him, and her answer was if that was the case would she still be with me? emotionally *** am i meant to do to to put us in the right place, constanly milling over in my mind right now.
amongst they grey i also find myself doing ever more dangerous thing to brighten it up, this list includes jumping into mosh pits repeatedly at a recent concert until such a point i could barely stand, drinking to a point i needed to be dragged home by my flatmate, at uni, doing something silly that i cant post in detail in case it catches up with me, but it involved a light aircraft and myself, and most recently playing with a canister of petrol by myself in woods ---- please note, i wont be doing any of these things again, they were stupid, but every time i got a kick out of it....what does that say about me???
its probally also worth noting i have a very short attention span, i get bored so easily, ive started listening to dubstep recently because its the only sort of music that keeps me entertained, i need to constantly keep doing something, jumping from 10 mins of xbox, to 10 minutes of using ableton, to 10 minutes of guitar, in class i fidget with pens, my phone, anything.
sigh....i know i have a good life, i dont need telling, i let alot of things go past me, and i never get angry, it takes so much to get me angry.
i just want to feel content, and happy, and if its not too much to ask, loved, from just one person....
thank you, if you've taken the time to read this, thank you