Can you help me understand myself? do i have a problem?
Hi all, so can i just start by saying, i've known the way i lead me life has been different for years, i always just assumed that was me, but recently somebody commented on something i said, and its got me thinking a lot about myself, i don't know if there is something wrong but something definitely isn't right, and i am hoping somebody here can understand and possibly help me, i apologise for the length in advance, and i hope the spelling and grammar is OK.
so where to start?
i am 19, i am going into 3rd year of uni after getting an over 80% average, i am a little overweight, about 5'10, i stay at home at the weekends with my parents, and in a flat with 3 guys and a girl during the week at uni, i work in a local supermarket, i have a girlfriend of 5 months, but if you ask me its complicated(later) financially I am also fine, i am also an atheist, i know i have got things so good compared to a lot of people,
but in my head nothing sits right for me.
i struggle to "feel" anything for anything.
the only things in life i truly feel for are my dog, and my gf, even if thats not reciprocated.
i care about my mum and dad, but i sometimes feel like i don't know them at all, put this down to teen rebellion if you want, but i dont identify with them, in my opinion all they do is stand in my way, sometimes it even feels like a game, especially with my mum, who dislikes everybody i call a friend, my gf, and still criticises my efforts at uni.
however i am getting side tracked. i dont know exactly how to put into words how i think, but i will try.
the best colour i can use to describe my life is grey (cliche i know) day to day, i feel bored, unmotivated, other peoples small problems frustrate me, but i never say anything, literally i can go though a day without feeling anything. i've not cried since i was 12. i laugh because its the correct thing to do socially, i have no problem interacting with people at all, and in no way do i take my emotions out on them, i smile and go along with it day to day, with this deep sense of hollowness to every conversation...as i type this i am realising just how little i really feel day to day. i know most people dont give two s**** about me, as soon as they turn their back, so why would i value their conversation when its only a vessle for them usually to pass time (at work esp) im sure they are nice enough people however.
ill get onto the thing that been on my mind the most recently, and that my so called girlfriend, i say so called, because dispite the fact i think she is amazing, when we are together, that same hollowness that is in conversation creeps in, it never used too, but now it does. as a foresight to what i am going to say-- I know i should probably dump her and move on for these reasons: we have been together for 5 months, and we have only kissed, we have had the opertunity to do so much more, but its never happing, i spend so much time and a decent amount to money and put so much emotional effort into her, and i get nothing back, as a guy i shouldnt probally say this, but i want her to cuddle me, just me and her, somewhere safe, and i want to feel loved, not hurt like i do everytime i see her and my feelings dont get reciprocated, also she never stops talking about one guy, obviously amoungs other things, and ive asked her if she wanted to be with him, and her answer was if that was the case would she still be with me? emotionally *** am i meant to do to to put us in the right place, constanly milling over in my mind right now.
amongst they grey i also find myself doing ever more dangerous thing to brighten it up, this list includes jumping into mosh pits repeatedly at a recent concert until such a point i could barely stand, drinking to a point i needed to be dragged home by my flatmate, at uni, doing something silly that i cant post in detail in case it catches up with me, but it involved a light aircraft and myself, and most recently playing with a canister of petrol by myself in woods ---- please note, i wont be doing any of these things again, they were stupid, but every time i got a kick out of it....what does that say about me???
its probally also worth noting i have a very short attention span, i get bored so easily, ive started listening to dubstep recently because its the only sort of music that keeps me entertained, i need to constantly keep doing something, jumping from 10 mins of xbox, to 10 minutes of using ableton, to 10 minutes of guitar, in class i fidget with pens, my phone, anything.
sigh....i know i have a good life, i dont need telling, i let alot of things go past me, and i never get angry, it takes so much to get me angry.
i just want to feel content, and happy, and if its not too much to ask, loved, from just one person....
thank you, if you've taken the time to read this, thank you
Re: Can you help me understand myself? do i have a problem?
Much of what you are feeling/not feeling, the boredom, lack of feelings for people and things, lack of motivation all sound like depression. You can be depressed without feeling sad or like crying. Sometimes it is a chronic, low grade kind of thing that just smolders and keeps you from enjoying your life. Your relationship is lacking in that it is clearly one way and you are not getting your needs met. You are doing dangerous things to spice up your life and charge your emotional batteries because you feel flat and grey. In the last part of your comments, I wondered if you might suffer from some attention deficit disorder as well, which often goes with depression. Depression can be treated, and I would encourage you to talk to your Dr. about it, consider medication for a while, and perhaps see a therapist to help you shake loose this girlfriend who you give to but does not give back. You deserve more than that! Your dangerous behavior shows you probably don't even care about yourself the way you should, a defeatist attitude and sign of depression too. Depression is like any other illness, it is not your fault, and it should be treated. This is not a do-it-yourself project. Please do some reading and research on it, and get help so you can feel better, be safe, and enjoy and thrive instead of just surviving in the grey zone.
The following user gives a hug of support to ladybud: johncam (07-07-2012)
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Re: Can you help me understand myself? do i have a problem?
ladybud, thank you for the reply,
depression, i dont feel depressed, or mabe i do? im not sure, it feels strange, ive always felt somewhat proud of my ability to ignore thing, but perhaps that's the reason i don't enjoy things, letting both the good and the bad go by?
i cant go see my gp right now, but i might when i am back at uni after the summer, however, i think i might feel as though i am wasting his/her time, not to mention, if i was to carry a label like "depression" my family and friends i dont think would understand :/
after much thought, i feel like i might end it with my girlfriend, i dont want too, but i cant keep up the emotions she puts me though.
i wish i had a close friend i could talk about this with. it feels good taking about it here, but going though the day i just go back to the grey.
at one point today at work, i felt my mood drop though the floor, for no real reason, i was just thinking about everything
would there be any alternatives to going to the doctor in your opinion?
if you were me, what would you do? at least until the end of the summer?
thank you again, it really means alot of have somebody listen