Not worthy and Lying
I really am not sure where to even start this so if I ramble on and on I apologize.
I have a problem with lying. I hear it come out of my mouth and I cringe but it takes a life of its own and I don't know how to stop it. Growing up, I was in an abusive home where everyday you lied to survive and stay alive.
I remember things like my mom having friends over while my dad was at work, it was a lady from church, and after she left we would go outside and sweep the gravel back into place so he never knew she had company. When asked if anyone came over because he noticed there was more Pepsi gone than what was normal I would have to answer no or mom got beat.
If something would break in the house, we would try our best to fix it. You never did it perfect and he would notice almost immediately. Mom would say no she had no idea what happened and I had to back her up. We didn't touch that hose or we didn't borrow the hammer.
When you borrowed a tool for some reason you had to memorize exactly how it was sitting on the work bench and return it exactly like that or you'd get in trouble and mom would get beat.
I grew up being told that if it were not for me, my mom would have killed herself to get out of the marriage and that she lived for us. That was a great deal of guilt to put on me at an early age.
As I grew up, the problems became more sophisticated. My sister would purposely try to get me in trouble because she liked to see dad go off on me. I remember this one instance to clearly.. we had some slate in our entrance way and a small piece of the concrete chipped off. Well to not get in trouble, we would put it back down in the right spot and try to get it in there snuggly. I was running through the house one day to get something mom had asked for a kicked that piece of cement out of its place. As soon as I did it, I froze then went to put it back. My sister screamed at the top of her lungs for our dad to come quick because I had broke the floor. I remember my mom stepping between us as he came after me and the rest I don't remember.
I was eighteen before I was allowed to have my driver's license. We drove and practiced every weekend day after I turned sixteen. Dad made maneuverability poles for me out of coffee cans and sticks. He refused to let me go for my license said I wasn't ready. It finally came down to having to because I needed to go to adult education classes, he refused to let me go to nursing school, my mom worked and he worked. I remember him taking me and standing there watching me do the maneuverability. I got out of the car and he walked up to me and said Let's go reschedule this since you failed it. I had passed my driver's test on my first try and he was so sure I failed.
A couple years later, my sister would start dating and that would cause a lot of domestic violence issues in our home. We would end up in hiding after my dad held a gun to my mom's head while she was on her knees then turned it on me when I walked into the room. While we were in hiding dad stated he was suicidal and wanted to see me. The police officer that helped us leave had me go see him and talk him out of killing himself.
Therapy would raise suspicions that I was sexually abused as a child. This was a bunch of stuff the lawyer pushed. I have no recollection of it, I was told there was physical evidence but I still don't remember it. Three months later my parents would reunite.
I would go on to meet a wonderful man only to be raped before we could marry. He was amazing and stood by me through it all. We started a family and then I lost him. Our children would end up living with his family because financially I can't afford to take care of them.
Mom died after a short, horrific battle with cancer. Leaving behind a lot of heartbreak, unsettling feelings and a mountain of debt. Some of it, I let dad take care of a lot of it I am taking care of because for years, she had me lie about her credit card bills. There were bills in my name that I would discover when she couldn't keep up with the payments any more. I took care of all of my debt which was about $42,000 and it took me 5 years to do it. Now, I am working on hers.
My life has been so negative that I don't feel worthy of being in anyone's company. People have such good lives and I feel like I have to hold onto them by making a medical issue bigger than it is because growing up I was told that I was fat, ugly and nobody would want to be around me.
I have lost a really great friend over this, this weekend. I want to break the cycle! I really do. I am fat and when I look in the mirror I am ugly. I started therapy at the end of last week along with working with overeater's anonymous.
I want to like who I am, I want to be able to be me and people like me for me. I never learned how to do the simple things like pluck eyebrows or put on make up because when you are the fat kid people pretty much don't think you need to know that.
I'm feeling a little lost right now. I have a friend that I am confiding in and through prayer and therapy I hope to be a better me. I'm sorry for the long post I just had all this crap in my heart that I wanted to get out.
Thank you for listening.