Confused and alone
I am new to this board. This is my first message. I am not sure if this the correct board. If not please advice. I have some psychological problem it seems. I have been thinking about posting in this site for the past 1 month. At last I've decided to do it before its too late.
I am 28 years old stubborn male from India. I worked in a reputed Software company from 4 years. Resigned the job in 2009 in pursuit of higher studies. I was not comfortable working in S/W because of too much stress and anxiety. I thought I needed a fresh start. So I quit my job and started preparing for my exams. I was too conservative in relationships but I don't want others to know it. I interact whenever the situation arises. So I did my studies alone. Later I got a chance to interact with many people. But strangely I tend to avoid them. I thought they will disturb my studies. Since I quit my job and came to study (which is risky by any standards) I did not want any disturbance. But when exams neared I faced immense pressure and anxiety. I faced multitude of emotional distress: fear, worry, doubt, guilt etc. I could not sleep properly. I started thinking too much, worrying too much, comparing too much. Lost hope at one point and ended up depressed. I needed more emotional support. I needed people to be around me. But I was the one who distanced myself from others. I don't know how to successfully handle relations. This is caused by emotional crisis in childhood and it is causing emotional distress in my adult life. I find emotional distraction most powerful to overcome.
Anxiety depression cycles compounded by comparison complex created
despair and I lost my purpose in life. I gave up fighting. I lost
interest in life. I don't know what to do from here on.
I feel like I lost the war. I feel everyone has gone ahead in their
lives. I lost the race. I fear the life that lies ahead.
I follow what my mind decides.
I don't question the motives. Passive listening.
I just do things. Irrational feelings dominate.
I felt the downward spiral weeks back.
Now there is no fight because I started giving in.
Now there is no conflict .. just peace even though I am alone & dont
have any goal.
Its been there from the beginning right from childhood in some form or other.
The items compared changes but the comparison is always there.
My complex: sub-conscious automatic comparison and inferiority complex
1. Simple uncomplicated thinkers.
2. People who know more than me.
3. People who are confident and trust themselves.
4. People who can talk comfortably with others without any complex.
5. People who are wealthy and powerful.
6. People who are emotionally strong and resilient.
7. People who are intelligent and have good memory.
8. People who have stable values, ideologies and principles.
9. People who are employed and settled.
10. People who are comfortable interacting with opposite gender.
Opinions formed sub consciously unquestioned. Rumination complicates it.
Non-stop judgements about myself and others. Poor focus, Poor memory, too much passive thinking.
Systematic, Perfection, Cleanliness, Orderliness, Rigidity, Logical,
Rules, Control, Discipline, Planning, Strucutured ...etc my work/study
style..Feel comfortable talking to strangers .... one time talks especially.
Like travelling to new places, try many things....
Moving to a new place removes many complications, but its a matter of
time before my mind complicates it. I cant keep track of my mind
always. My judgements vary from compromise to critical of others.
I look for +ves but I see more -ves in others and in my situation.
Want to be powerful superior and respected.
Always needed a female companion. (atleast one)
Complex leads relationship crisis ----> leads to avoidance
leads to poor self concept
I think I really dont learn from my mistakes. Its too many. I try too many rules. Initially I am very hopeful that I will change but gradually I tend to
break them. I make my decision based on comfort and self preservation.
Always in some emotional conflict (unresolved/indecisive)
I tend to move too and fro in emotional issues. I dont stick to my own
decisions.Have to fight the mind ..takes its toll on tasks at hand.
Every task becomes unpleasant because of my mind complications.
Learn negative habits from peers. Imitation. Acceptance.
But I am not addict to smoking and drinking.
I fluctuate between continuous smoking and no smoking for months.
I use to imitate some of my school and college faculties for which I
was popular.My opinions are superficial sometimes and influenced by others opinions.I always worry about what others think of me. I am sensitive to criticism.
I am mostly pre-occupied.. Whenever I study some parallel thoughts starts.
Worry too much and feel strong guilty. Sometimes I don't care about them.
But in the end these emotions get the hell out of me. I want others to like me, so I exhibit my strengths and positives only.
I think majority opinion is the correct opinion. I approve some persons and expect them to approve me. I am deeply influenced by the people whom I approve. I tend to accept their ideas, perspectives. Good to have a perspective in place of none.
I reveal my problems only to my closest friends. They give me good advice.
But I find it difficult to follow them. I know I need to follow them. But I forget them in time. I don't feel emotionally attached to anyone. It lessens conflicts. I do have some good friends who care about me. I want to be good to them. But off late my thoughts have become self-centered and I find it difficult to open up to my environment.
I feel that there is something wrong about me. I try to fix myself.
I like to be independent. I am critical of myself and others close to me.
Sometimes I try to fix/correct others which really hurt others.
But others are kind enough to forgive me.
Sometimes to fix myself I read self-help books. But not sure they worked.
But I am inspired to read those books. I feel good when I read those books.
I feel I am not alone when I read those books. But what I am lacking,
where is my core problem is I am not sure. I have problems on many
fronts. I don't know where to start.
I feel like I am using people for my own needs (even though I helped people
without any expectations in the past)
1. Distracts me emotionally and depresses my when stressed.
2. Disturbs my ability to focus on my studies.
3. Spoils my plans. I sometimes feel my mind has its own agenda and
its executing its plans through me. Its always my plans vs my mind
4. Lost trust in myself. I am confused if I am a really good person.
5. Sometimes I hate myself and my situation. I sometimes wonder if I
am playing to the tunes of my mind. I wonder who takes the decisions
that concern my life.. me /my mind?
6. I cant trust my mind. I feel I lost my fight with my mind. Its
dominating my life. I have hopelessly complicated my life.
7. I am not able to sustain my interest in studies.
8. My mind complicates my situation wherever I go.
9. I withdraw from active life and try to fix myself alone. But my
life got more complicated. My mind became more strong.
10. Sometimes to fix myself, I start actively interacting with
others.... trying to be friendly... but when I am emotionally
distressed.. I cant act that things are normal... the energy is
gone...so its embarrassing to act. So I tend to avoid people and this
starts new conflict. So I have decided to interact only when needed. I
don't call people unless needed.
I have complicated my life. My goals are never my problem. The problem
is inside me. The complex is inside me. I have painted my life dark. I am paying the price for it. My childhood is worse than what I feel currently, but who will listen to my stories. People want you to behave normally atleast. If you cant talk normal then you are out of the game.
My childhood emotions: impatient, aggressive, rash, jealous, fear,
angry, guilt, worry, impulsive, stupid, inferiority complex,
forgetful, stubborn, rebel..........
There is no shortage of advice from friends. But I am convinced that
my problem is psychological. I left my job and came to study. Had too much time alone to introspect. Was preparing alone. Dont know to what extent the loneliness screwed me. But before I proceed further with my life I want to know why I think the way I think and what can I expect from myself.
I don't want to chase my goals without conquering my negatives.
My negatives makes my goals look stupid and unrealistic.
I cant take it anymore. My life has become a big question.
I cant consider myself as normal. I am planning to visit a psychiatrist.
I have been browsing the net lately. I wonder if I am suffering from any of the following 3 disorders.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder