So first of all mental illness runs in both sides of my family. 3 uncles have/have had problems with substance abuse, depression and other similar disorders. My dad's twin brother is schizophrenic, my dad is very anti social. My cousins also have problems with depression, substance abuse, anxiety, hell bipolar is somewhere in the family, alcoholism, and one grandparent suffered early dementia. Oh and my mother had epilepsy until she was in her late 30s. So there's some family history, I guess my point is I'm susceptible to a lot of sh*t. SO.
When I was 14 I was diagnosed with anxiety, after I started getting spontaneous panic attacks that occurred mostly when I was in bed trying to sleep. They came and went for a few years til I turned 16 (18 now) and the pattern turned into very single night.
My schooling suffered from then onwards. I never attended a full week normally taking 2-4 days off, struggled to pass every year level and in year 11 I ended up dropping out all together. Same thing happened at every job. When something goes wrong at work I get dizzy and start hyperventilating. So I've stopped going to work for the moment. Old job that didn't happen but I have had problems with picking everything up fast, making me look dumb.
Now looking back I can see that it could have been depression. I think that came from my then boyfriend, who was depressed and emotionally abusive. So after some background history of my anxiety and possible depressive factors, here's some of my symptoms.
- Mood shifts (angry for no reason, excitable and full of energy, then bored, then sad, then numb... most of the time I just feel 'eh' though)
- Compulsive skin picking (toenails, face, lips, scalp, feet.. anything)
- Social isolation (I have never had large amounts of friends, and being around people for too long makes me very uncomfortable but being alone makes me feel uncomfortable as well.)
- constantly feeling guilty over everything (I go to extreme lengths to make other people happy, because I feel like I have to. I force myself to do it, I don't like it though.)
- Not feeling like I am capable of working or learning
- Panic attacks (hyperventilating and feeling unreal, plus I lose the ability to form tangible sentences)
- Feelings of disconnection
- I've got no goals. I don't know what to do with my life.
- Problems making tiny decisions like which chocolate bar I want to eat
- When I go shopping I get episodes where I get lost and everything starts looking like a dream (I had an episode of this happen when I was 7 years old, but this only just started happening. Used to have dreams of floating when I was young)
- Self harm (on and off through years.)
- Irritability (To a point where without self control, I would throw my laptop across the room for freezing. This is a very very uncomfortable feeling, and causes me to take out that anger when I am alone by breaking objects that bother me. Unhealthy.)
- Emotional numbness (In comparison to when I used to over-feel)
- Lack of appetite.
- strange thoughts and obsessive behaviour.
- A feeling of being able to 'change' how I feel with my mind temporarily.. almost feels like I'm getting into character for social interactions.
- Paranoid that other people aren't who they portray themselves as
I'm just scared, I don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm not suicidal but I don't get real pleasure out of anything, my life feels wrong, my feelings don't feel like they match me, my thoughts feel like they hide from my conscious mind all the time, I hate this. I want to be happy but I don't know where to start I just want to be able to function like a normal human being
I feel terrible for my boyfriend who feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me, I just don't know what's going on. Help me.
Also I'm on 15 mg of Lexapro daily, 1 mg of Xanax before bed, and for when I have really bad anxiety, Oxazepam 15 mg x2 a day. It eases the feelings of anxiety and let's me breathe, but that's about all.