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Old 08-01-2012, 10:13 AM   #1
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wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

well....man. ive been lurking here for 6 + months or more and now that im finally here i have no idea how to actually begin....

im 28...soon to be 29. Married. My wife is 26.

all my life ive been a very shy, introverted....scared person. in alot of situations. But ive managed. So has my wife, to a more severe degree im afraid. I have/had my issues but can at least function. She has an overwhelmingly difficult time.

we got married because we have so much in common. We both live a shut-in lifestyle because of our anxiety and we jsut arent that comfortable around people. Now, working together, we both realized we had problms with anxiety and depression and tried to get help. For me it wasnt a big deal, doctor ive got this issue, can you help me?. I was put on medications and have gone to therapy and yes, i still have some mildly off days, but 90% of the time im good at work, im living and loving life. I feel better than I have been.

My wife, on the other hand....eh....not so much...and i feel like such a bad husband for saying this...

Shes on citalopram, which has helped stabalize her depressive swings. There would be times where somthign wuold make her unhappy, could be somthing a small as dishes not being done or somthing, and thats it. the rest of the day and the next day are a writeoff, shes in bed depressed. For the longest time id play supportive H role...doing my best to try to help her through it, realizing its not somthing she can snap out of. I tried to treat it as no different than if she had the flu. Inwardly....knowledge of mental illness or not, the unpredictability yet repeated regularity of it became....wearing....again, NOT her fault, i know that.

Shes stayed on her medication, but wont go to therapy. Weve tried 5 or 6 different therapists, and each time she got too embarassed to stay and wuold storm out, leaving me there, saying you "dont hang out the dirty laundry for the neigbours to see". It was embarrassing for me.

This response isnt anything new, shes been like this from day one since i met her. I naively thought i could maybe help her through this, and i was wrong. This type of flight respnose behaviour is evident in her family. Both her mother and grandmother have been described as flighty, and very socially aversive.

Part of the problem is, shes just finished university, and shes now looking for a job. I only make 40 k a year and i cant do this on my own. She knows this, weve talked about it. But she practically falls to pieces at the thought of working. It scares her to the point where shes a shivering, trembling, bundle of nerves and she cant eat or sleep or keep anything down. We saw our doctor about this and he gave her a sort of "calmdown" pill, i cant remember what its called off the top of my head. But i digress. Its helped her keep things manageable....but her anxiety is still quite strong. Right now shes actually on her first day of work at a job, on her orientation day. Ive done my utmost to be as supportive as i can, but shes still txting me talking about how shes trying so hard not to be scared .

After 7 yrs of this...im not going to lie. Its hurt me. And distanced me. And i feel i cant talk to her about it, because when i try to talk about my feelings it triggers a depressive downswing and she doesnt take in what im saying. Im not trying to be hurtful, but honest. And she doesnt take that well.

Ive tried talking privately to my family. And im embarrassed. And it doesnt help when i get told "well, you KNEW this, you shuoldnt have married her in the first place". Its gotten to the point where im embarrassed about my life and i dont want to let anyone in or see what my homelife is really like. I fee like a bad person for all of this...and im trying so hard to hold things together.

Id like to think im a better man than this.

I ended up getting into an affair with someone. Not for love, just an escape from this. Because every time i come home it always feels like the same thing, its just a drag to go home to this every night and ive had a hard time trying to take care of my own self mentally.

My affair has been safely sexual. With good friendship. And, while its not exactly the best option or an option id have thought myself capable of years ago, i hate to say it but i HAVE felt less depressed, and ive been better in other areas of my life.

Im not ex[pecting anyone to like me for this, and im no looking to justify anything. Im just being honest and putting this out there.

I KNOW this is NOT an ideal situation. Ive screwed up so bad. Id like to think im not a bad person. But ive just felt so trapped, and felt so much depended on me, that i couldnt relax for a minute, and it got to the point where i felt i dont do anything for "me" at all...and then i come into this affair and god, i can understand why some people become addicted, the "feel good" of the release is incredible.

ive made big mistakes. Im not the best husband and i know that. But i want to try because she deserves it, deserves better than ive given.

I just dont know what to try anymore.

Obviously the affair, as fun as it is and as good as it makes me feel, has to go. I get that. Im not disputing it. I just need help and someone to talk to, because i feel the only person who can help me is me....and i cant do this alone anymore.

Sorry if this is a rant of a first post...i just needed to talk.

 
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:29 AM   #2
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Re: wow...where to begin. very messed up situation

Admins, i just noticed this is in the wrong area, my apologies.

Can you plz move it to the correct area?

 
Old 08-01-2012, 01:17 PM   #3
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

I don't think you're a bad person at all. I think you're only human and you acted on your feelings. You can't blame yourself for feeling the way you do. Yes, it's wrong you had an affair but you recognize that and that's a very good thing. If you want your marriage to work I think you should be open with your wife about this. I know it's going to really hurt her but it's best letting it out in the open rather than hiding it from her. You'll feel a lot better if you tell her. And she'll respect you for that at least. But, if you're truly happy talking to this other person and you feel like you can be YOU again and you feel WHOLE again, then you have to decide whether or not you want to continue this with that person or let them go. If you truly want to be with this new person then let your wife know that it's over. Just keep in mind one thing: you were in your wife's shoes once before too. You struggled with this issue too. And you got better but she hasn't yet. If you tell her you're letting her go because you feel restricted because of her illness, it's going to tear her apart but like I said, it's best to be honest with her about it. I wish for your wife a very happy and healthy life and I pray she gets the right help she needs. She's missing out on so much. She worked her butt off in school just to turn away from it in fear of people. Tell her there's nothing to be afraid of. That people are just people, situations happen but she has to learn how to handle situations and not run from them. She has a severe anxiety issue that has to be addressed by a doctor who can truly help. If you don't feel you can be by her side through this anymore, you should let her know. I hope you both find happiness in your decisions.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 01:26 PM   #4
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

I would not advise telling your wife.....however if you want to make you marriage work, you need to talk to your wife about what the problems are and come up with some solutions. Telling her about the affair would serve no purpose and just cause more pain. What's done is done.....take your secret to your grave.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 01:41 PM   #5
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

Thanks for the replies .

No, im not going to leave my marriage. Other woman is a great friend and listenener.....ok ok and other fun adult stuff. But thats as far as it goes. Theres nothing long term there and we both discussed that, so for me to break things off is quite easy and not a problem. Ill be making that call tonight.

whether or not i tell my wife about is a whole other matter....instinctively, yes, i want to share everything with her, thats what my vow said right?....but logically i don know if there is anything to gain from it :/.

Im going to start seeking counselling individually to help me cope, an possibly come up with better ways to help her and myself.

I wont give up.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 02:10 PM   #6
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Lone Gunman View Post
Thanks for the replies .

No, im not going to leave my marriage. Other woman is a great friend and listenener.....ok ok and other fun adult stuff. But thats as far as it goes. Theres nothing long term there and we both discussed that, so for me to break things off is quite easy and not a problem. Ill be making that call tonight.

whether or not i tell my wife about is a whole other matter....instinctively, yes, i want to share everything with her, thats what my vow said right?....but logically i don know if there is anything to gain from it :/.

Im going to start seeking counselling individually to help me cope, an possibly come up with better ways to help her and myself.

I wont give up.
I say telling your wife is good because it's a weight lifted off your shoulders and you don't want to look back and remember you doing something like this and never telling her. I don't know, for me I would have to tell but everyone is different, plus you know your wife better than any one here. If you think she's better off not knowing that that's your call. And I'm glad you're ending it with the other girl.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 03:34 PM   #7
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

if you tell your wife just to lift the weight off your shoulders, that's unfair....you would be putting it on her shoulders and it's not your wifes weight to carry......
don't tell......nothing good will come of it!

 
Old 08-01-2012, 03:58 PM   #8
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

I see rosequartz point. Like I said everyone is different but I always believed the truth is best. If my dh did something behind my back I would want him to tell me about it instead of trying to protect me from knowing the truth.

 
Old 08-01-2012, 08:04 PM   #9
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

I just ended a five year live-in relationship. My ex and I were not married, but as we were living together it sure felt like we were married. I had to make a decision about how I wanted life to be in 5, 10, even 20 years from now. And our primary issue was communicating back and forth. It seems like if you cannot have communication that freely goes back and forth both ways and one person isn't feeling shut down by the other, then there's something of substance to work on. But if you are in a spot like the one where you are now, and your saying that you are ashamed of the marriage... and the communication from you to her isn't safely happening because she reacts negatively, then you MUST think about yourself. You have thought your entire marriage about her, but give even a half hour's thought to yourself here. Do you want to be this unhappy when you go to your grave? Ultimately life needs to be about you and your purpose here on the planet. If you think your purpose is to be the marter who gives up everything to support your wife, then that's your choice and your business, if you are feeling as down as it sounds like you are, my guess is you are not in alignment with your purpose and you are feeling the consequences of that. Are you willing to stay here and stay this emotionally torn up for a lifetime? Just the fact that you wrote this post tells me you aren't.

Despite your wife's disability, she needs to be taking responsibility for herself a little bit. It seems like she neglects that quite a lot and yet you are still supporting her. I feel like I can be justifiably intolerant of people who aren't taking responsibility for themselves. I've had a congenital disability all my life and I don't use it in such manipulative ways. I get blown away by how people can even justify to themselves that they are not being manipulative when they do these kinds of things.

Manipulation is manipulation, though. And I am truly sorry to say, but what you described sounds like your wife is in fact manipulating you with her disability. Sure there are legit things going on and she has a legit disability or set of disabilities, but even so, she needs to take more responsibility for those disabilities, not to mention her communication difficulties, especially if those communication issues relate to her disability. A good first step on her part would be to get herself into couples counseling with you and work those communication issues out. If she's unwilling to do that, then you know it's not her disability your dealing with, it's her unwillingness to show you even that small amount of respect and be a partner in the relationship with youp. She can either choose to take positive action or she can choose to wallow in her disability and take no action with any redeeming value what so ever.

Couples counseling alone would potentially make home life slightly easier for you and her as a couple. But you can't make her do anything. Only she can choose to change, so you need to start thinking about you and what you can change about/for you. It sounds like you've chose an affair to make you feel happy, but is that really solving anything?

It's hard to walk away from a relationship, especially one where the person is extremely needy for you and especially a relationship that you've dumped all this well-meaning time and energy into trying to make happen. But, even so, you need to make a decision. You are at a crossroads here and you need to decide whether you are wanting to live out the rest of your life exactly as you are today and if you want to feel exactly as you do today. Or you can decide to make some drastic changes.

Like I said in the beginning, I walked away from 5 years worth of a relationship with my ex just last week and it's been hard. I didn't have the marriage legalities involved with my relationship but I did have to choose between life-long unhappiness vs. the temporary loss of everything I had. I chose to give up everything I had. I was done being unhappy and feeling unsafe with a very manipulative person. I gave up everything I owned just in order to walk away from the toxic relationship. I had to give up my business I started a couple years ago, my home, my hometown of the last 13 years (which means all my friends) and quite a few of my belongings. Loss of my whole self vs loss of stuff that I can rebuild in a new city wasn't that hard of a choice in theory, but to lose everything really has been emotionally hard for me. But it's temporary. Losing myself in an unhealthy relationship was long-term and I couldn't do that to myself. I chose the lesser of two evils for myself. So my question to you, is what are you going to choose for yourself? Long term devistation or temporary devistation? And what does that look like for you?

 
Old 08-02-2012, 07:01 AM   #10
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

hey Jenga

I really appreciate your post. Youve given me alot to think about as someone who's there right now, next step ahead of me.

The other part of the honest truth is, and im being honest with myself, is im scared to go there. Scared of what my life would look like. Being socially anxietic its difficult for me to meet ne people. And probably one of my own failings is ive never bothered to address it, mainly because, shes my wife and best friend in one, i neve felt the need to do so. And in my mind, when i delete her from my life, im forced to realize just how lonely my life really is.

Its ok. can deal with this....just thinking about it causes me ALOT of anxiety.

Im not ready to give up yet, because the fact shes got a job recently and is pushing herself through it even though shes terrified, speaks volumes, as shes never been abl to do this before. To me its a sign she wants to move in some forward direction. And last night we had a talk and shes open to trying cousnelling again...so we'll see.

Im going to give this time, because i want to give this a fair shake. I think i mentioned earlier that right now were both living in my dads basement because o a debt situation im dealing with. Its going to take me just shy of 2 yrs to take care of it......

Ive been thinking. If, by the time ive payed this off...if nothing has changed or weve tried and shes fallen back to this....by that time i dont think ill stay....Because ill be financially able to be on my own and it would be a much better time for me to go.....

I feel 23 months is a good amoutn of time to allow us to try to work on things. I dont want to think im unreasonable. But there has to be an end either way in sight.

Thanks so much Jenga, again, really do appreciate your insight.

 
Old 08-02-2012, 07:19 AM   #11
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

The Lone Gunman, I have a question. You said you found a companionship in some girl and there was lots of talking and her being there for you. And you did say "some adult stuff". Did you sleep with her? If not then maybe you don't have to tell your wife. If you saw this girl just as someone you can open up with because you can't right now with your wife, then maybe it's not so bad. But if you did sleep with her I would say tell your wife, that's just different.

I am happy to hear you're not giving up on your marriage. I think that's very admirable especially through everything you're going through. And I think seeing your wife be strong and fight through her anxieties is very good for you, because it'll help you get through yours too. I think you both COULD be ok if you stick together.

 
Old 08-02-2012, 07:47 AM   #12
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrissy26 View Post
The Lone Gunman, I have a question. You said you found a companionship in some girl and there was lots of talking and her being there for you. And you did say "some adult stuff". Did you sleep with her? If not then maybe you don't have to tell your wife. If you saw this girl just as someone you can open up with because you can't right now with your wife, then maybe it's not so bad. But if you did sleep with her I would say tell your wife, that's just different.

I am happy to hear you're not giving up on your marriage. I think that's very admirable especially through everything you're going through. And I think seeing your wife be strong and fight through her anxieties is very good for you, because it'll help you get through yours too. I think you both COULD be ok if you stick together.
Hey CHrissy,

Yes. I did sleep with her, several times. Each time we were as safe as could be, nothing was ever unprotected. Just to be open about it. The emotional release i got during was incredible, just so much pent up negativity turned into a positive release. Its partially what helped me be so patient lately. Not at all trying to justify anything at all, i know now i def should not have gone there. It was a huge mistake. Safe or not.

Will i tell her?. thats the part im grappling with. Im weighing the pros and cons of doing so.

I want to keep my honor, or rather regain it.

There was alot of emotional talk and venting on my behalf. And other woman was a very good friend to me and helped me through it, though not in the way that i should have pursued. Make no mistake, i was the one who said yes to adult funtime. Nobody forced me.

I just want to lay responsibility where responsibility is due.

Last edited by The Lone Gunman; 08-02-2012 at 07:51 AM.

 
Old 08-02-2012, 09:00 AM   #13
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

I think with that type of situation, you're going to have a lot of people give you different opinions. My opinion, tell her. But only you know what's best because you know her so well. I just think if you keep it from her and you and her make the marriage work and everything gets better in the long run, you're going to live with the guilt and wish you had said something before. And if you decide to break down and tell her what happened she may leave you and never look back. It's going to be a huge setback in your marriage. But again, you're going to get a lot of opinions.

 
Old 08-02-2012, 03:44 PM   #14
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Re: wow... where to begin. very messed up situation

It is definitely scary, I agree. I'm not good at going out and meeting people and making new friends either. I think you can have your 2 ear plan, but you also need to be assessing where your at frequently throughout that 2 year period of time. My ex and I just about broke up last year about this time during the summer and I've watched us going around and around on the same old merry-go-round over this past year, and every time we got to a severe low, we'd talk and I'd feel renewed and I'd agree to stick with it and work harder on things with him. The patterns that a couple falls into after several years of living together are brutal though. They're like grooves on a record. You just keep playing them over and over no matter how good the intension was initially. Be wary of all that, I can almost predict it's going to happen to you, just based on knowing human nature.

2 years is more than enough time but you need someone to hold you accountable to that plan because it's easy to say in two years, "well, let's just work on it a little longer." And it'll likely be a response you have because of your fear of leaving. The key here is to make a healthy choice even if it's scary and hard, not stay in a relationship and be miserable just because it feels stabilizing for your ego.

Not all decisions are easy, and some are downright brutal to make. But until you make those tough decisions you are literally just sitting there interminably punishing yourself.

Stay in touch and let me know how things go over the next days and weeks and months.

Best of luck to you.

 
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