Maybe there IS something wrong...
This is my first time posting here as I'm usually the one going through the threads and answering people's questions. I do recognize something is not quite right with me and it's affecting my marriage.
A little background..I'm 26, married to my husband for 4 years but been together 11 years and have 4 existing children and one in heaven. My husband is 29.
Growing up my parents used to argue a lot. Practically every day. To the point I wanted to run away so I didn't have to listen anymore. I have an older brother. He's 30. He remembers the crap we used to witness and hear. No there was never any physical fights where they would hit one another, but the verbal abuse was just as bad. My parents had a hard time showing one another love so you know they hardly showed me and my brother any love. Fast forward to today, I have a hard time showing love too. My brother is very obsessive with the girls he dates. I on the otherhand get very paranoid thinking my husband is looking at another girl, flirting, even cheating. I'll be honest and say my husband has never given me a reason to distrust him but I guess I never learned how to completely trust a person. With my kids I try to be the best mom ever. I think I try too hard in fact. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with them (which is to be expected because they're 6, 4, 2 and 3 months old). The 3 month old I don't get frustrated with but my other 3 I do. I guess because I feel they should know better? Even the 2 year old. Sounds nuts I Know. But I am a good mom I just try a little too hard and I put too much pressure on myself then I get angry when things don't go the way I planned. I try keeping them on a schedule but I find myself always failing. They don't seem to respect me and it's come to a point where I say things to them I ever thought I would say. Things like "you're acting stupid". I was told I was stupid and annoying growing up so I didn't want my kids going through the same thiing but I seem to be repeating it. As for sexually, I have an issue with that as well with my husband. I was raped when I was younger and I had other sexually things happen to me. I have a hard time trusting my husband. I think he's planning on doing something to me when I'm sleeping. And no I tried getting counseling for it when I was younger but my counselor turned on me and started treating me like I was a sex object so I didn't go back there anymore. I couldn't even trust my own counselor.
I notice I get mad easily and I have severe mood swings. The only thing I was ever diagnosed with is ADHD. I notice that if things don't go my way I act like a child. I literally will sit there and cry until someone notices it and will change it and I become happy again. Just like a child would do. I say things to my husband during arguments that I don't say I'm sorry for even though I should be. Things that are very inappropriate. To the point I'm afraid to repeat them on here in fear of being bashed. I become very paranoid over things and my children. I am a nervous wreck when it comes to them going to school, thinking something horrible is going to happen to them. I seem to be mesmerized by movies on lifetime movie network that have to do with people getting hurt. It's like I can see myself in those people and I can relate. I don't know if that's healthy or not. I am a normally happy person and i love to live life. But then there's this side to me that's like..no I don't want to talk to anyone. Any little thing can bring me down. I even run to the bathroom to take pills and yet I'm 26 with children. I should be passed all that because I was suicidal growing up. No matter what I can never be completely happy though, no matter how hard I try. The little things that used to make me happy don't make me happy at all anymore. If my husband and I are talking it ends in an argument more times than not. If I express myself he don't understand and we fight. Sometimes so bad I'm throwing something, he's breaking something and I'm crying hysterically and he's just sitting there real cold. Luckily we don't do this around the kids but it still shows on our faces and I don't want my kids getting hurt. Basically there's a lot wrong with me and I don't know what it could be. And where it stems from. I guess I'm just venting in a sense. But if someone has any suggestions please throw them this way. Thanks.