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Old 08-02-2012, 10:07 AM   #1
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feeling irresponsible

Hi,

I'm new to this board. I am just wondering if anyone else has the same feelings about themselves as I do? My mind tells me that I am lazy, irrespsonsible, just trying to get out of work, lying about how I feel, that there are people a lot worse off than me that work every day, and all sorts of other things. And I tend to agree with myself. I'm having this back and forth battle in my head that can be relentless. I thought the stigma of having a mental disorder and facing others was hard...but facing myself is even worse!

Doctors have always diagnosed me with depression, but I wonder if it's bipolar.
Can you imagaine sitting in front of a disbility judge and saying I don't want to work anymore. But it's true. I can't face another day of having to drag out of bed so exhausted I can hardly breath and go to work, barely make it home without falling asleep, and not being able to even take a bath becasue I am so exhausted from fighting depression. Then suddenly I feel better, it's like a relief feeling and things seem to be normal for awhile, except that I usually get myself in big messes when I feel this way. Then it is overwhelming. I can go a few weeks and sometimes a couple of months being "normal" and then depression hits me so hard. It's getting worse everytime. This time I had to take a leave of absence from work. I left work one day not feeling good, and wham! I found myself in the throws of anxiety and depression. I think I brought it on myself to get out of working so I could rest! Can we call depression on at will?

I'm afraid of going back to work because I fear getting back in the same shape again.

 
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Old 08-03-2012, 07:40 AM   #2
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Re: feeling irresponsible

It definitely sounds like you have depression and anxiety. I know I have bouts of depression and anxiety as well. Matter of fact, I have anxiety on a daily basis. It gets so bad i can't swallow and it feels like my throat is closing up. This happens randomly too. I could be watching tv and my mind is free of all thoughts and then it happens. It's scary. But anyway, I think maybe seeing a therapist could help and maybe even antidepressants and anxiety meds can help you. You're thinking of yourself as a bad person and you put yourself down a lot. You have to stop doing that and accept you for you. That's the first step. Don't worry what others think either. It's all about YOU.
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Old 08-04-2012, 05:25 AM   #3
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Re: feeling irresponsible

Thank you, Chrissy, so much for your concern and advice. I know you are right, but I find it very hard to stop these feelings about myself. How long have you been dealing with depression and anxiety? Do you feel think there is any light at the end of the tunnel?
I have started to see a therapist and have an appointment with a phyciatrist soon. My counselor says we have a lot of work to do and that she thinks most of the way I feel about myself is perceived. She told me that we are going to work on finding out what is true and what is just my perception.
My life is so totally screwed up by all of my past behaviors, and I find that I can't cope with the slightest criticism, or all the questions..like what is making you depressed, when are you going back to work, what exactly did the doctor say, you need to change up your routine, etc.... it makes my head spin.
This is the worse bout of depression I have had yet (I have had this problem for about 40 years, since I was a teenager) and everytime it happens it gets worse and wrose and lasts longer and longer. I'm so afraid to go back to my "normal" life for fear the next time will do me in.
I find that I have anxiety everyday lately too. I start feeling it when I think I am going to have to go out of my house and face the day. I hope that you find the peace you need. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe we can become support partners?

 
Old 08-04-2012, 07:24 AM   #4
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Re: feeling irresponsible

You're welcome sweety. The depression started at a VERY young age. I'm going to say maybe 4? From what I can remember. I remember having a lot of mood swings and bouts of sadness at a very young age. I think it was because of the type of household I grew up in. I could never be happy because something stupid would happen to bring me down. So I just gave up being happy. Then when I became 12 a lot of bad things happened to me. And I turned 14 and I did a lot of bad things. It's all been a very vicious cycle. The anxiety started up when I was 14 after something traumatic happened to me. I still suffer from anxiety. I could feel ok but then my throat feels like it's closing up and I don't believe it's physical but it's definitely mental.

I do believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But I have to believe that because I have 4 kids and a husband that need me. I have to believe that I can get better. But no I'm not in therapy yet. I'm waiting for my insurance to kick in and then I'd like to see someone on the weekends so it doesn't interfere with my time with my kids.

It's normal to get overwhelmed when you're asked those kinds of questions because you simply don't have the answers to them.
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:44 AM   #5
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Smile Re: feeling irresponsible

Yes, I understand. Here is fine with me. I think most people on this board has heard it all so i don't have aproblem with that.

I'm so srry to hear that your depression started so so young. I think we have a lot in common. I grew up in a dysfuncitional family, and my mom says she remembers me being so sad. I'm sorry to say that I can't remember most of my childhood, but I started doing really bad things at about age 16. I hope that you can get a good therapist soon. I pray that you find one who is gentle, kind and caring, and very knowledgeable so that they can help you.

I understand about how you have your family that needs you. My children are grown with families of their own now, and I know my grandchildren need me too. I have got to get better so I can be there for them. This day and time they need all the help they can get. Over the years I know that I let my children down because my condition would just seem to take over. I have asked for theri forgiveness and know that they don't hold it against me. I just can't seem to forgive myself.

As soon as you get your insurance, I pray that God sends the right person to you and that you get the help you need. Believe me...going years without help is a disaster waiting to happen.

God Bless....

 
Old 08-04-2012, 09:22 PM   #6
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Re: feeling irresponsible

Sounds like my family. Always something going on even till this day. I try to ignore it but I live in the same building with my mom and dad so of course I know everything that is going on.

I had a therapist when I was younger but his wife died and he started acting funny with me. He was making sexual comments and calling me to tell me to come in even when it wasn't the time for me to come in. Therapists aren't supposed to call their patients because it's like persueing them but he was doing it. I caught on and I stopped going. After that I got pregnant with my first so I concentrated on my daughter. I would love to get back into therapy though but to be comfortable, I'd prefer a female this time around.

Thanks and I pray the same happens for you too.
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