analyzing too deep
I've posted a few things on OCD boards about analyzing and anxiety. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Ive had anxiety/ocd my entire life,I never got an explanation until I was in early 20's (im now 34) I had my first analyzing episode 13yrs ago. I didnt know how i felt about my boyfriend and my anxiety/ocd took over. I analyzed/ruminated nonstop. I was put on luvox and only took 25mg, eventually things fell into place. Ive had very minor things bother me thru out the yrs but nothing like that.I have a hard time with feelings and over time became very rational and logical. I dont deal with hurt well.. i go into survival mode and push everything down. Last 8 months have been worse than ever. I had a boyfriend at the time who questioned me constantly and was a ball of anxiety and wore all his emotions/insecurities on his sleeve. It unearthed every side and emotion in me. My thoughts are all over the place, i dont know what end is up. I started seeing a therapist because I had a horrible what if thought concerning children and Ive been stuck on that obsession ever since. I have never been so scared of my thoughts and got so down on myself as now. I analyzed and analyzed to the point i freaked myself out. My therapist is looking into psycoanalysis because i cannot get over this. Ive always had a closeness issue with people and some sexual anxiety and i dont know if my anxiety this time reached down to the core of when i was a child. I wasnt molested (that i know of) things did happen to me that i knew was wrong but i turned a blind eye as a kid. i feel my mind can relate to any situation from being so spiritual to being the sickest. why can i relate to these things? I feel my mind can analyze at mock speed and at so many angles it confuses me. I dont know who i am, what i think, it becomes scary. I want to go back to not thinking. I go from living and the mind chatter going away, not thinking at all to analyzing so deep i do nothing but think. My mind goes to this level i dont know what it is. I cannot just let things fly i need to understand. I recently upped my meds to 100mg and the anxiety has subsided but still feel trapped in my mind.