Hello, I'm Jade and I'm a 22 year old male.
I'd like to start off saying I don't know if this goes here, there's quite a few categories here and I honestly do not know what's wrong with me and I'm really scared. If it's wrong a mod can gladly move this and if this isn't the right site for this period, please point me somewhere I can go.
I just spent about an hour typing up my story but realized it was way too long, haha. Let's try shortening this up... Anyway, I am pretty much incapable of doing anything on my own.
I'd always had issues in school and eventually I was sent to the group who was in the back of the class with the assistants because we could not keep up and I was also put in a special math class, but they never had me see anybody about it. For whatever reason, I stopped doing my homework and jotted down random answers instead and tried avoiding going to school as much as I could, constantly throwing fits. I don't know why I did this, because I had friends there and I was never bullied but, it would turn out to be the biggest regret of my life.
We moved a few times and in Jr High I was not doing good still and they put me in the mentally challenged class (people there were severely disabled, I was clearly not that challenged...) and that only made things worse which lead up to a series of circumstances from which I 'dropped out' of school when I was about 12 years old and spent 8 years of my life sitting in front of a computer.
Before then I was sent to some kind of school psychiatrist and was prescribed medication. I do not recall what I was diagnosed with and I did not stay on the meds long because my mother said I turned into a zombie on them. All I can remember is going into some office and everything on this guys desk and walls were all advertising different drugs.
By the time I was 18 I was completely incapable of getting a job on my own, It was like facing down the great wall, I wrote like a child due to not having to write much for 8 years and applications were extremely confusing, I was afraid to buy something at the store and face down a cashier much less a job interview and the idea that I'd have to routinely use the phone to check up on my application and set up interviews which scared me greatly so I just didn't, unless someone held my hand through the entire process which my mom and brother were busy/unable to help me at the time.
Eventually the pressure got to me and I believe I had a breakdown or something, I forget exactly why now... I think I accidentally broke something my mom had just received and I could not take it, I had to be around 19 or 20 at the time and I just freaked out, I walked to my room like normal, shut my door, locked it and proceeded to punch/wail on my wall screaming and crying at the top of my lungs and injured my wrists, hands and made a couple holes in the wall.
I took up my best friends (who I met and only knew online since I was 15) offer to move out of state because his girlfriend was a nurse so she could treat my wrists and he knew my predicament, In this environment I made some pretty big strides and I eventually got a job and stuck with it for 8 months until I got fired for stupid unrelated reasons. I am much more social now but...
Even now, when I talk to people I don't know really well I end up drawing blanks or just agreeing to whatever their saying with a nod or a bland generic response like "yeah" "ok" "sure" "really" or just nodding my head a lot. It doesn't feel like I'm talking to people but coping with them until they leave because I have nothing relevant to say.
Sadly I also neglected to bathe and brush my teeth and this persisted until I was 20 and had to force myself so I didn't embarrass myself when I was around these new people who did not know and would not understand my issues.
I still have a hard time keeping up with bathing and brushing my teeth, I do it often but not every day. I'm still extremely uncomfortable talking on the phone, applying and dealing with interviews and I need my hand held with just about anything I've never done, even if it's simple, and I've never done a lot of things.
I can't handle anything, I feel like I'm just worthless and lazy, constantly making up excuses for why I can't do any of these things everyone else does without even thinking about it, even ordering a pizza by phone is such a hurdle for me that I simply don't, I just go online and order there.
I don't know if it's relevant to all of this but I also slept in the same bed as my mom until I was about 10.
I firmly believe I'm very depressed, due to the fact I'm always feeling down and negative and often at certain times I'll slip into this horrible attitude and I start getting this sense of euphoria just thinking about it and it worries me sometimes, here's a quote from something I told my friend online a couple of days ago when I was feeling hopeless
"everythings just going to keep falling apart
and no one wants any part of that, because it has nothing to do with them
because i have nothing to do with anybody
as long as i'm alive, that's good enough
but all it's doing is making me suffer"
I'm depressed and maybe have anxiety from being in seclusion for so long but I also feel maybe something else is interfering just because I have had so many issues before my 8 year hiatus. I just don't know, I don't know how I'm going to cope with this society, I'm too afraid and know too little to do necessary things like going to the doctors to check on my general physical health
This turned out to be a sickeningly long post, and this is the shortened version... I felt I needed to tell some of my background to see if anyone recognized the signs of a much deeper problem.
I feel like I'm stuck in my head... I'm sorry for the long post, especially since I'm here asking for help and making you all read this great wall of text. Thank's in advance, even if I get no replies.
EDIT: I forgot to mention until I was 21 I could not handle even the slightest amount of emotional stress and would instantly break down and bawl my eyes out anytime I'd even try to bring any of this up to people or if they asked me, so I avoided it at all costs and I've managed to put that behind me but now I find it incredibly hard to shed even a tear even when I want to cry