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Old 09-22-2012, 09:33 AM   #1
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MissJealousy HB User
Unhappy Physical Appearance - So Shallow yet so Profound

Hello folks,

Physical Appearance seems like a shallow topic on the surface,
but as I am getting older (and am supposed to be getting wiser),
I find I am becoming convinced that I am quite a shallow woman.

It is becoming clear to me that all these years of feeling like no one understands me/ cares for me could be due to me myself not really understanding and caring for others.

When I see someone, I will decide in my head that they are so-and-so type of person and not someone who can be an actual friend to me or be "an asset" I should have in my life (how terrible to think of people in this way).

Yet I have been so sad all these years when I think that others are judging me in the same way.

My judgement is now apparently permanently-wired because I feel it without having to think about it. I will consciously try to override it, but I always feel it in my heart. I really do despise myself for having so many negative thoughts about others in my head, as a result I try to be super nice to people. It is an attempt to just get along. Yet in my judgemental and lonely heart, I actually continue to harbor negative thoughts about everyday people who don't deserve this.
(Secretly, I think the negative thoughts are coming from self-hate - because I know I am not a likeable person and I know people don't really like me).

What can I do? I want to love people with my heart, but I seem to be able to do it only in theory and only through my head.

 
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Old 09-23-2012, 01:39 PM   #2
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Re: Physical Appearance- So Shallow yet so Profound

I have gotten tons of therapy for self hatred and negativity and what every one of my (numerous) therapists have me do is I have to catch myself EVERY time I'm being negative and do positive reinforcement instead.

As you've already noticed, this is much harder than it seems. I'll be sitting there and thinking "ohmygod I hate this or I hate that, or I SUCK," but then I have to catch myself (which is hard because my self hatred and negativity is ingrained) and think stuff like "this isn't so bad" or "I don't suck at all."

So you need to recognize it EVERY TIME you find yourself having negative thoughts towards people for no good reasons and change that thought into a positive instead. This kind of thinking is NOT permanently wired in your brain, so you're not excused! It's just ingrained and will take a lot of work to overcome. You just have to keep doing it and catching yourself if you want to overcome it, so don't give up.

 
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Old 09-24-2012, 03:40 PM   #3
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Re: Physical Appearance- So Shallow yet so Profound

Dear CrookedHearts,

I read your advice and thought first, thank you - and second, how am I going to do this? The positive reinforcement regimen seems like exactly what I don't like doing.

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you were able to get support (especially since you have had to l look for more than one therapist) and then sharing some nuggets with others. I guess b/c it has yours and your therapists approval, I am going to try it in earnest. I just feel so much like I don't mean a word I am saying to myself.

But I will try. Thank u.

 
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Old 09-25-2012, 11:00 AM   #4
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renko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB Userrenko HB User
Re: Physical Appearance - So Shallow yet so Profound

We all make choices each day and we may not feel like doing something but the more we get into the habit of doing something or changing a behavior or a mindset the more it becomes a part of us. It takes time and concentration and energy. I used to say negative things to myself and realized that it was not helping me or being constructive. One person said that I wouldn't tell my best friend something negative if they messed up or made a mistake. I had to reprogram my thinking and encourage myself and as I have done this, I like myself better. I used to be so afraid of people and afraid to speak up for myself but I practiced a little bit at a time with people I felt "safe" with and loved me unconditionally and allowed me to be angry, afraid, frustrated, etc. without judgements. We all come from dysfunctional families and many of us struggle what our parents said to us and how we felt about ourselve. If we can't love ourselves the way we have been made by our Creator then we can't really love others who are different than ourselve. I find people so interesting and ask questions and show interest in other people and I am amazed at the stories I hear or someone needs to share and we have connected at an emotional level. We all change our outer appearances but we are mostly all the same inside and when we help one another we in turn help ourselve not feel so isolated and different. Best wishes to you.

 
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Old 10-14-2012, 12:06 AM   #5
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Re: Physical Appearance - So Shallow yet so Profound

This gets to be a deep and tricky subject, doesn't it? I consider myself a little too judgemental, not too bad, but then we all do it to an extent. I like to take a second look at folks who claim to judge no one, and think "sure you don't"...I realize your talking about something more extreme, that's happening too often and is a bigger problem. While there are probably be a multitude of ways to tackle this in a therapy situation, the first thing that came to mind when I read your post is that is would be so helpful to channel your energy, (and this neurotic analysis/judgement of strangers does sap some energy), & focus mainly on ways to heal yourself, work on loving You regardless of what others think of you, on being a happier person, (whatever that may require). Don't kick yourself too hard for these thoughts you can't yet control about strangers. When You are more fulfilled, happy, or breaking free of whatever might be holding you back in life, this overly-judgemental thinking may fade as you progress. I love to remind myself not to judge a book by it's cover (I judge more after someone speaks - haha). I once had an appt. at Soc. Sec. and as the nice women I came to meet walked up, I thought she was surely incompetent or "nutty all over" solely based on her appearance alone -- endless bedazzling purple and orange everything, right down to the fingernail polish. Then Pow! She was the most gracious, knowledgeable, and helpful woman I've ever met in that kind of setting. It was a great reminder. Best of Luck!

 
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:32 PM   #6
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Re: Physical Appearance - So Shallow yet so Profound

Quote:
Originally Posted by TinoRock View Post
This gets to be a deep and tricky subject, doesn't it? I consider myself a little too judgemental, not too bad, but then we all do it to an extent. I like to take a second look at folks who claim to judge no one, and think "sure you don't"...I realize your talking about something more extreme, that's happening too often and is a bigger problem. While there are probably be a multitude of ways to tackle this in a therapy situation, the first thing that came to mind when I read your post is that is would be so helpful to channel your energy, (and this neurotic analysis/judgement of strangers does sap some energy), & focus mainly on ways to heal yourself, work on loving You regardless of what others think of you, on being a happier person, (whatever that may require). Don't kick yourself too hard for these thoughts you can't yet control about strangers. When You are more fulfilled, happy, or breaking free of whatever might be holding you back in life, this overly-judgemental thinking may fade as you progress. I love to remind myself not to judge a book by it's cover (I judge more after someone speaks - haha). I once had an appt. at Soc. Sec. and as the nice women I came to meet walked up, I thought she was surely incompetent or "nutty all over" solely based on her appearance alone -- endless bedazzling purple and orange everything, right down to the fingernail polish. Then Pow! She was the most gracious, knowledgeable, and helpful woman I've ever met in that kind of setting. It was a great reminder. Best of Luck!
Dear TinoRock -

thank you for this sensible advice. When I am having "a good day" I find that I am not bothered by people. I am happy and thinking of positive things. Your advice rings true - I need to find something to keep me busy and happy so that I am distracted enough from my negative self to make progress. You seem healthy and seem to take your occasional judgementalness in stride. So congrats and thank you again!

 
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