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Old 10-04-2012, 09:46 AM   #16
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Re: Eminating Evil

I'm so glad you wrote again. I was afraid that my sharing might make you uncomfortable and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. No, I'm not a recruiter but just a person who has gone through a lot of emotional and mental things and just want to encourage others. I love to write and share with others hope and encouragement. I'm glad you like to read inspirational books. They have really helped me to stop thinking about myself so much and reaching out to others who don't have anyone or need encouragment or a hug. Yes, people will disappoint us and we have to realize people are not perfect and some do try to show the love of Christ. I pick up a woman at the nursing home each Sunday for church and I visit the people in the Alzheimer unit and give them a hug or feed them. Some of them are dropped off and forgotten by their family. I just want them to know I care and love them. I don't have any agenda in my writing to you. I just want to get to know you and allow you to trust me through this forum if you feel comfortable. I haven't heard what your hobbies are, what you like, what you do for work, etc. You don't have to share if you don't feel like it. I understand. There are no strings attached to our friendship. Have a great day! Look forward to our next correspondence.

 
Old 10-04-2012, 11:03 AM   #17
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Re: Eminating Evil

Dear Renko -
My last post is a glimpse into how my mind operates.

You have shared so much with me, and have been generous in your advice and listening. You shared so much that is so personal with a stranger out of a need to help -- and I was thinking that perhaps you were trying to recruit me. I am not a trusting person and this has been a major barrier in all of my relationships.

You are quite a strong person. My troubles in life have been very vague and intangible - not feeling loved, not trusting people, not getting along well with people, taking mean words to heart - not belonging, etc... while yours have in addition included many heart-breaking and substantial hardships. Losing your mom, cancer, inability to care for your children - and here you are. Bravo to the universe for people like you.

Just recently, one of my coworkers gave me a hug out of no where and I felt for those 5 seconds the feeling of energy and being alive take over.
I felt peace for the rest of the day and like I was bonafide human (how delightful to feel this way. How amazing everyday people have it!) I don't think I have been hugged more than 2 or 3 times in my life and so thank you for giving those patients a hug. Thank you for not forgetting them. There is an unacknowledged specialness to some people that makes the world go 'round.

I have reached a scary point in my life where they things I enjoy doing are quite few. So it is hard to talk about hobbies. There is this strange - rather physical feeling in my heart (I don't know if I have some sort of heart condition - I may be hypochondrite, for all I know). This feeling is what I imagine dying is like - when you begin to wrap things up, pack up your life and get ready to call it in. It is like you are fighting to die rather than to live, and begin to genuinely believe breathing, eating and going about trying to make money, feeding your self, getting dressed and going out cannot bring you and pleasure. I somehow believe that no one is really happy to see me alive. It is a strange feeling - so contradictory to what we as breathing, life-filled human being should feel - I agree with you that it may be some sort of chemical imbalance or something because it is a physical feeling in my heart. And it is damn scary.

I used to love going out for extremely long walks (8 hours at time!). I had self-pride and felt like a special creature going out exploring, seeing happy people along the way - beauty of what God put on this earth. I have worked in the non-profit field for most of my life and love the idea of helping people - it made me feel good about myself. I somehow can't enjoy anything unless I have some basic level of pride in myself.

Now I just think people don't want me around. I end up taking the small percentage of negative things that has happened to me dictate my life direction and what I enjoy doing. Like I mentioned before, people call me names on a regular basis. I have had someone say "what the hell are you smiling about" when I went out smiling. I have had a group of men follow me (I thought perhaps one of them was interested in me - which gave me delight) only to hear them say, "She must be man - she is so disgusting", I have had people spit on me as I am walking. I have had a scary teenager follow me saying "we don't want you here." Over 35+ years, these things are a small percentage I suppose but I don' know....these things remain of my mind.

I truth is - I feel like a just look like a creep. And people just have a natural instinct - like when you seen a roach - to stomp down. I tried to join a spiritual organization where they have a zen-buddist philosophy of accepting EVERYONE, yet when one of the spirtual leaders mentioned that there are some people in life who have a toxic sulfur aura about them -"you can smell them coming" I felt oh my god, he is talking about people like me.

Oh it feels good to get this all out. I guess I like writing like you do. I will stop writing now, as I am going on and on about how sad my life is. Just seeing this long, self-indulgent letter is enough to excercise some *****ly demons. I am glad you are listening. I already feel better. Sorry about the self-indulgence, but it feels so good. I don't want to bring you down with me - people like me love talking about ourselves, when given a chance!

Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 12:43 PM.

 
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:32 AM   #18
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Smile Re: Eminating Evil

I like you unconditionally and I hope you know I mean that. I feel so sad for you and I know you are depressed. I wish I could give you a hug and you could really feel that it comes from a heart that understands some of your hurt. I want you to tell me how you feel, good bad and ugly. I was ignored for many years from my dad when my mom died. I hate it when people don't look at me or ignore me and I have had a couple of young women who have ignored me in my office and it drove me nuts until I realized that I couldn't do anything for them in their career, so I stopped letting it bother me.

I ignore them now. I know, not very loving but I don't get upset with them anymore. First I asked if I had done something wrong but when they said no, then I didn't take it as personally. I can't believe people can be so mean and hateful towards you. I went to an assertiveness class and was told that if someone loses keys or blames me for something that wasn't my fault or responsibility that I shouldn't allow people to yell at me or blame me. I stood up for myself and you and I or anyone else don't ever need to be bullied by anyone. You need to set boundaries inside yourself and speak up and say I'm not going to take this anymore and take charge. I know it is easier said than done but I know you are at a point where you need to talk to a professional counselor. Is there anywhere you can go to talk to someone about how you feel. It makes me so angry inside that people treat you like this. Is this in your head that you hear people or do they really treat you like this? I try to ignore ignorant people and if there are a group of boys or people in front of me, I tend to cross the street and go around them because people who are a crowd or more likely to be a bully than by themself.

You are a very strong person to have lived this long and gone through a personal hell. I hope we can become good friends. I don't blame you for not trusting people and wondering what their motives are. You have not had many people in your life to trust. You had a very traumatic home life and you need help. All you can do is think about how hurt you have been. You are not selfish you are trying to preserve the only self you have on this earth. I really think you should go to a doctor if you have insurance and get checked for any physical problems and tell them how you are feeling, preferably a female doctor. Then see if you can find a good counselor that can give you some medication for emotional and trauma.

It sounds like you are filled with anxiety and need to get to the root of your emotional turmoil. You can't do this alone. Please get help besides write to me. This is a part of your healing but you need a physical person to be with. Do you have any animals and do you live alone? I know animals love us unconditionally and you can have a rescue dog or cat and if anyone says anything negative to you, hold you head up high and say I'm special, unique and no one can bring me down. It is a choice and you won't feel it but the more you put positive and good inside your mind, the more you will believe it.

That person who hugged you as very special and wanted you to know how special you really are. I used to hug my aunts and dad and they would stiffen up or push me away. It really hurt but I kept doing it and after a while they wanted to have a hug. You can change your behavior and thoughts. I'm living proof of that.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 12:46 PM.

 
Old 10-04-2012, 03:43 PM   #19
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Re: Eminating Evil

Dear Renko-

It is nice to hear about all the steps you have taken to build up a better life for yourself. Attending a self-confidence / or assertiveness class must have been a big step. When I was younger and thought life could only get better, I had little plans to make things better and took some risky steps. Unfortunately, some of them misfired and left me feeling quite vulnerable. I am quite happy to see that these things worked out well for you. I am glad, for example that you hold your head up high and ignore those who ignore you. As long as it is helping you, and has you headed in a positive direction, I am all for it.

I am not quite the sweetest most naive person, though my natural self has always been very caring and wanting to do good. When I see someone in an obvious position of power (adult vs. child) use that power to bring someone down, I get very angry and my hesitation with communicating seems fall by the wayside. The problem with that kind of communication is that it is driven by anger and so it is hard to take seriously. I can communicate fine in writing because I can edit myself.

I would feel uncomfortable having a pet because I would have to leave them alone in the house (what a surprise, I live alone) and I don't think that is fair to the animal. The way I see it, they could be happier with a happier person, and shouldn't get dragged into keeping me company - that's not what god put them on this earth to do - wait all day for me to come home, to give them a little attention. As you can imagine, I am also afraid I would make a terrible parent (as you once felt about yourself) and the desire to have a family is quite painful because I am afraid I would pass on my unhappiness to my child and husband.


In real life, as caring as you are, you would find me hard to like. When someone talks to me, I mentioned before that I have a hard time listening. This is because I am in the grips of anxiety when a person begins talking to me. My mind is saying ridiculous thoughts like: they are going to get a good look at your face and walk away thinking you are a man; or I bet they are embarrassed to be seen talking to you right now; or they are talking to you out of necessity or pity and wish it was over soon. These things are indeed paranoia, but they are based on the few real life events that I exaggeratedly use to determine the rest of my life. I have a hard time listening to what someone is actually saying and am instead always thinking about what negative thoughts they MAY BE thinking.

As a child, I was very strong-willed (as you were). I was a little too mature and grown-up for my own age. It was to the point where I analyzed too much and always thought about the "why" behind things. If my mom was mean, it was not unusal for me to come up with a far-flung reason that perhaps I was the result of my dad having had an affair and perhaps my mom was forced to raise me. This kind of thinking is not something you would expect from a little kid, but this is how I was and this was off-putting to my mom. 30 years later, I have become a freakish analyzer - this was an attempt to make myself immune to pain, but it is now getting in the way of everyday interactions. I analyze everything in a warped manner. I don't want to hurt your feelings but the thought has crossed my mind besides being a missionary, that perhaps you are a writer looking for a good mentally-ill person to take inspiration from...you are getting another glimpse of how I twist people's motives because I can't believe that anyone would really care for me. I am sorry. I hope you have some sane, healthy people in your life to counter balance this kind of nonsense.

That being said ...I have medical insurance and on your advice, I think I will make an appointment with my doctor and talk to her about what is bothering me. I am deathly afraid of taking medication (that's a good sign maybe - afraid of medication I think I just need someone to talk to. Perhaps she can direct me to a support group for people with depression and body-image issues.
It was a about two years ago that I went to see her with the intention of mentioning my dark thoughts to her and then I chickened out when she spoke to me like I was a normal, everyday person - I did not want her to know that I needed help. I instead asked her to perscribe me birth control pills (which I thought would help feminize me a bit) but did not tell her the real reason why.

Thanks friend for listening. I have been talking for too long - I hope you are able to follow along my crazy line of reasoning.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 08:41 PM.

 
Old 10-05-2012, 06:41 AM   #20
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Re: Eminating Evil

Hi my friend, it is good to hear from you always and getting to know you through your writings. I find it hard sometimes to put my thoughts into speech and writing is much easier forum to share feelings and thoughts. I have always been a bit shy and awkward in social gatherings but I am a good listener. I understand your feelings about having a pet home all day by him or herself. That wouldn't be fair or good unless you could afford a dog walker and someone to spend time with them during the day. I had a doberman but we found her a good home when we moved recently. She was the best dog I have ever had and her birthday was on my birthday. We got her when she was 2 years old so she was already trained. She was almost human to me. I have a husband who is home during the day and a caregiver for him so she had company but now she can run in the country and has a good owner. I hate to see my animals die so I'm glad I won't be around when that happens. I can see why you get angry when people treat children or anyone badly. You have experience with that kind of trauma. I get angry too when people are judgemental or treat others badly because of the way they look, think, act or behave. I try to be more accepting because I know how it feels to be ignored, laughed at or made fun of. People can be mean. I used to feel like you do when they would talk to me I would try to think of what I would say and didn't even hear what they were saying. Now, I try to listen to them and concentrate and if I have something worthwhile to say I will and if not, I don't. I also know how you feel about bringing others down by being sad or depressed. I was so unhappy in my marriage and when I had little children and didn't want to be blamed for bad things that might happen to them in the future. Maybe that is why I pulled out of my responsibilities to raise them. You are funny about me being a writer looking for a mentally-ill person. I have a close cousin that is mentally ill and she has been ostercized from my family and I have tried to reach out to her through writing but when she writes to me it is very confusing to read. When you write, you are very concise and I know you have a lot on your heart and mind. I used to think when I was young being adopted that I was a princess and that my family gave me up for some reason but I know how fortunate I was to have been adopted by a loving mom. I am glad you are thinking about talking to a professional and getting help. We can't live in isolation and be healthy. I hope you have a great day!

 
Old 10-05-2012, 06:49 PM   #21
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Re: Eminating Evil

Dear Renko -

As you describe it, you are a writer at heart. (Though it is out of necessity, perhaps - a need to communicate somehow, if not through speech). I am glad for it. Through writing here, my need to want to become a good listener has some chance in daylight.) Your phrase "I hate to see animals die so I'm glad I won't be around when that happens" struck me a bit (In conversation I would not have paid much attention.) Reading that phrase over, I'm sure you meant that you wouldn't see her die because you have moved away from her, but my first thought was that you were perhaps ill. Is that the case? I don't mean to be an alarmist, but the phrase just struck me.

I had a professor once who was a very generous person as a teacher - he shared with his students generously. And though I really did not belong in his advanced class, he let me in and treated me with respect. I had noticed something gloomy in him and he in me and I felt we had an unspoken understanding that life was not a cake-walk for either one of us. I was too shy to talk to him or hardly anyone. On the last day of class, in the course of giving a lecture, he looked straight at me and said something to the effect: "everyone should get there papers early in because 'I won't be around.'" It startled me. I became panicked because I thought he was trying to tell me something, but I coughed it up to my paranoia. Weeks later, we heard news that he has passed away from surgical complications and had known all along that odds were high that he would not make it. These bizarre coincidences certainly do not help people of have mental issues and make for spooky conversation - which doesn't help us either!. Have you seen the movie "Donny Darko?" by the way?

Reading that back - that was a depressing story, so lets move on...

You being a good listener to boot is quite a specialty. I do admire (from a genuinely sincere place) people who are good listeners. And you have sensitive heart. Your cousin must be grateful. Just an insider tip - when my writing becomes confused like your cousin's, it is because I have a very specific complaint that can never be remedied or that I am ashamed to articulate and so I will grasp at a 100 other complaints without ever feeling the freedom to say exactly the thing that is bothering me. All the reasoning and the logic behind my 100 complaints will be muddled because I am frustrated that I can't say the real thing that is really bothering me.

I wanted to talk to you about such a thing today, but I got distracted by your writing about your lovely pet.
I will talk to you about it next time. How do you feel about listening to complicated, convulated, paranoid, dramas and complaints that have no satisfactory answers?

 
Old 10-09-2012, 08:25 AM   #22
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Re: Eminating Evil

Hi my friend. I hope you had a good weekend. I thought about you a lot and I am so glad we can learn to trust each other via this forum. It is easier to write than to listen sometimes when we have so much in our minds at times. I know you have a lot to say and I hope you can feel free to share with me. I am all ears. The part about my not wanting to be there for my dog when she died was because I have had pets in the past and when they died or got sick it too me a long time to grieve and when my mom died and cousin died I had a long period when I was so sad and couldn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't feel safe to talk about their deaths until I joined Hospice and people allowed me to share my grief and listened. I hate death of anything and it makes me so sad inside. I know how you feel about your professor and how you felt abandoned inside. Some people don't understand this but I do. You can share anything with me and I will unscrabble any feelings you have and see if I can understand it. My cousin wrote four letters to me and rambled on and thanked me in some letters and accused me in others. I understand she is venting and doesn't really know what she is saying. You are not mentally ill but I feel are emotionally delayed and like me a late bloomer. I know you have been deeply hurt by those who you had in your life that was supposed to cherish, trust, protect and unconditionally love you. I do hope you will continue to write your feelings down and I will listen and share my thoughts and feelings with you. Have a good day!

 
Old 10-09-2012, 10:39 AM   #23
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Re: Eminating Evil

I wanted to tell you that I played bingo with some seniors on Friday night but when I was coming home on the train, I started walking to the bus to take me to my car and I fell. Have you ever fallen and been so embarrassed but also you checked to see if you hadn't broken any bones. A nice man asked if I was alright and helped me up. There are some nice people in this world. One time I was in New York and I saw so many mentally ill people sitting in a restaurant cleaning their cups and counting money and looking so lonely. Then I went down the street and there was a cat in a tree and there were five people looking so concerned to get the cat down from the tree. It was quite an eye opener that in New York people care more about animals sometimes than people. There were many older people who had no one to care for them and would ask my help and I felt funny helping them because I didn't want their family to think I was doing something suspicious. They don't trust people there too much because I'm sure many people have been ripped off or had a bad experience. Not all New Yorkers and it happens in every city. Anyway, it was fun playing games with the seniors and playing a card game on Sunday afternoon with some ladies. Do you like to play table or card games?

 
Old 10-09-2012, 08:29 PM   #24
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Re: Eminating Evil

Dear Renko,

I am sorry to hear that you fell. I know that you live in VA and when you mentioned you fell, it felt like an an event happening far off somewhere to someone, and not to the person I have been writing to. I have a hard time connecting you the person that I know to the everyday events that you must go through. Isn't that strange? Nevertheless, I am sorry you fell, but glad someone helped you. That must have felt nice - words of concern from a stranger.

I truly hope you are OK and not too bruised up. I don't remember the last time I fell. It's been a while. As a youngster/teenager I can imagine that I would be embarassed but a fall or a trip, but, now-a-days I would be more worried about the pain and the breaking/bruising bones.

I do imagine you as a very caring and sensitive person. I am sorry that you have experienced death in your life that left you so sad. I can certainly picture it and though the words you wrote about how your mom and cousin's death affected you, seem to come out now matter-of-factly, it must have been a devastating day-to-day drudgery before you finally found relief at Hospice. Sadness at death was a part of my earlier life as well. I can't even describe the pain it brought on. We are similar in this way. Now-a-days I am a different person.

You asked about playing cards...I am not really much of a game player. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, there is so little activity that I do that I have a hard time contributing anything to conversations (I have very little life experiences to share). My whole life has been trying to find a way to literally co-exist with people without causing anyone any discomfort at my presence. Admittedly, much of this must have been in my head. This may be my emotional delay showing itself, but a successful outing for me is when I don't notice anyone being unhappy to see me out and about. (Because today I am feeling good about myself, this whole description of my sad life sounds really melodramatic, but honestly, I have let life pass me by completely, in my quest to just exist without bothering other people).

So, to summarize....I don't do much and when I DO do something, I am paying full attention to how people are reacting to me, rather than the task at hand. At this moment it seems silly, but it has been my reality. I almost never have raised my hand in class outside of HS, nor almost ever spoke to anyone all throughout college, for example.

Back to the difficult subject that I wanted to talk to you about...I was going to talk about how intimidated I am of pretty women and how I am always in conflict with them due to my self-image issues. This is really tough for me to talk about because my appearance is a very sore topic. I am too concerned about how people look and how I relate that to the type of person they are. I acutally posted a question on the Relationships board of this forum about my current work troubles. It is called "A question to Pretty women" Can you read that post and share your advice?

 
Old 10-10-2012, 06:42 AM   #25
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Re: Eminating Evil

Hi my dear friend. I see your heart and don't care how you look. Have you ever seen the twins who are conjoined at the head. They live two-headed and have such courage. They go to college and want to marry. They have great support that we never really got. It is hard when you feel different and been bullied or ostracized in life and want a friend to talk to. I'm your friend and I read your post about pretty women. I'm so sorry that your job has such air heads and that they seem like they have no substance and nothing better to do than to bully you or anyone different. Ugh. I wouldn't like that at all. I've had people over my 26 years working here that have tried to get rid of me and put me on probation but I worked harder and proved them wrong and stayed and they left. Yah!! After chemo my brain wasn't functioning well and I forgot to do things I should have done. I got in trouble and also being a people pleaser I allowed a girl to take the checks I should have sent to the bank and she left them in her file drawers. I really got in trouble for that one. Anyway, I hate criticism and negative things said to me but sometimes I need to hear them and correct my attitude or behavior. About pretty women. I look at women and think some are so beautiful and I went to the Senior Ball in high school, I had to ask the boy, and wanted to see all the girls in their pretty dresses. I was very shy and I met a woman with two girls who is so beautiful inside and out and she liked me as a friend. I couldn't believe it. We are good friends and call each other sisters. So I have learned that a person's outside is not as beautiful as their character and integrity and their compassion for other people. Some people are ugly inside and i don't want to be their friend. I would try to ignore them and find someone outside your work and try to reach out to someone who may feel just as lonely and needs a good friend.

I'm so sorry you feel tormented in going out and feeling everyone is looking at you. I felt that way when I was a teenager and hated walking across the street because I thought people were looking at me and thinking I was big and fat. It was in my head and I realized people are thinking about their own thing and not paying attention to me at all. It amazed me. I'm so proud of you that you went to college. I went to two years of community college and got an AA but employers want more than that so I have stayed at my job being afraid I wouldn't find anything else out there. What did you major in? My dad was so disappointed in me not going on in college but I didn't know what to do. So I got married to the first guy who asked me. UGH! Not wise. I love hearing from you. Keep writing and I am here for you.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-10-2012 at 08:48 PM.

 
Old 10-10-2012, 05:57 PM   #26
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Re: Eminating Evil

Dear Renko,

I feel that you have been lucky to have experienced marriage. I know it did not work out so well, but when you go in the extreme opposite direction where you don't take part in life much at all or take many relationship risks, then events like marriage (good or bad), seem like a positive experience.

It is funny- but I want to take that statement right back!!

At my last job before this one, my supervisor was a man and we both sat in the same small cubicle-like space. I disliked him so much that can joke that he cured me of wanting to get married.

He was quite controlling and self-absorbed. Once he joked about a man killing his wife for adultery, and I felt fear of him take hold.

If I had to go home to this man everyday, I would lose my mind, I thought. Not only would I be lonely, but scared and also with no freedom. It is good to know that yes indeed, there are cases where being alone is better than being with someone! Sometimes you have to see this for yourself through actual experience. But I am happy for you that you had that experience and are still a good, happy person with children with whom you are now in a more healthy relationship.

Thank you for sympathizing with me about my work bullies. Right now I have pretty much stopped talking at work and I try to get up from my desk only to use the restroom and to make copies. It must be a strange sight for those around me (it adds to their image of me as a strange person) but I do this in order to not be completely miserable.

I atleast have managed to still be functional at work. Although getting accused of being a gay stalker is too much for my well-being. When I am quiet, I feel like I am in some control. It is a lot better to quietly do your work than be laughed at when you speak or to be called a man.

Oh how all this drama makes me wish I was a normal person with normal problems and a normal way to handle them!

It is hard for me to tell someone all this. When it comes to being bullied it takes away your self-pride and when it involves such an embarassing twist, it is so hard to talk about. But at the same time, it feels like such a relief because you are so supportive.

I am glad you were able to keep your job and survive the fog that chemo-therapy put you in. That is not your fault and I am surprised at the level of insensitivity many people are capable of showing. Who cares if you were off your game for a while, people should be rejoicing that you are there and survived cancer! How maddening!

In the short space of time that we have been talking - (the past week or so), I already see things with a more healthy perspective. I not only know it in my head, but
feel in my heart that yes, the way that a person appears on the outside does not have to determine how they are on the inside. Just having a support system like
someone to talk to really makes all the difference (thank you for that).

I haven't been able to reach out in a deep friendship with someone in real life. There are too many barriers, such as not being able to contribute much to friendships and finding someone who appears as lonely as I am. There is this guy at work that I wish I could date (or to be more honest, he is someone I imagine could be my husband). He is kind of shy and speaks quite intelligently but quietly. I have heard me speak maybe 3 times and I am infatuated because he smiled at me. He grinned almost like a chimp and I began to imagine that he found me attractive. But this type of situation is typical of me - infatuation for silly reasons and then disappointment as the infatuation wears off. This guy also seems a little like a misfit, but I have very low self-esteem and I can't imagine him being proud to be called my boyfriend. How would I keep him happy ?- it would be embarrassing to go out with a woman who looks like a man when he could go out with almost anybody else and not have to get trapped in same ridicule that I face each day. My ability to get involved in any real relationship is just too depressing and hopeless. This includes friendships.

You asked about death....The death that affected me the most deeply was that of the musician Kurt Cobain. It seems like a silly thing to say to someone who faced real tangible loss in her life - your wonderful mom - but I could not function after the news and since then I have not been the same person. Perhaps becuase I did not have a healthy family and friends to help through the loss, but I just took that death hard. Death was the ultimate in sorrow for me when I was young.

I had thought Kurt a misunderstood angel and I could understand his painful life and when he committed suicide I just fell into a breathless grief for the next 10 years. I would always think about him and I just wanted him alive and well. That is a glimpse into my life - I get more attached to personalities and those on TV than to real life people. All that I am as a person has been learned from TV and the media.

Thank you again for your advice about beauty and appreciation. I feel so light-hearted since I have had a chance to talk about such embarrassing topics. I will talk tomorrow.

Last edited by MissJealousy; 10-10-2012 at 06:13 PM.

 
Old 10-11-2012, 06:36 AM   #27
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Re: Eminating Evil

Hi my friend, it is always good to hear from you and I'm glad you can share your feelings and life with me. Do you watch any reality shows like Amazing Race or Survivor? I like those shows. It is like going to the places the people on the show are experiencing. I think I would rather watch it on tv than be there personally because of all the bugs, rain, cold, etc. Do you have any favorite tv shows? What kind of music do you like? I like the 40's and 50's music. I guess I should have been born in a different era. I hope you have a great day. Do you like to read? I love to read biographies of people and see their life stories. It is inspirational and encouraging.

 
Old 10-11-2012, 09:37 AM   #28
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Re: Eminating Evil

I thought about what you said about marriage. I think most people would like to find someone to share their life with. I think I was fortunate to have been married twice. You learn a lot about yourself when you are married to a person who is different from yourself and has different experiences to relate to whether good or bad. I learned a lot about myself and how I reacted or didn't react to my first husband and how communication when there was conflict was difficult for me. I never saw my mom and dad argue or have conflicts and if they did they did it behind their bedroom door quietly. I have learned that communication with your husband or wife and feeling emotionally attached is so very important for a healthy relationship. I finally feel like I belong in a home and feel loved and respected. I hope one day you will find someone like this in your life. It is well worth the risk. Take care.

 
Old 10-11-2012, 05:59 PM   #29
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Re: Eminating Evil

Quote:
Originally Posted by renko View Post
Hi my friend, it is always good to hear from you and I'm glad you can share your feelings and life with me. Do you watch any reality shows like Amazing Race or Survivor? I like those shows. It is like going to the places the people on the show are experiencing. I think I would rather watch it on tv than be there personally because of all the bugs, rain, cold, etc. Do you have any favorite tv shows? What kind of music do you like? I like the 40's and 50's music. I guess I should have been born in a different era. I hope you have a great day. Do you like to read? I love to read biographies of people and see their life stories. It is inspirational and encouraging.
Dear Renko,

TV really can put a nice spin on reality and so I understand why watching Amazing Race would be more convenient than actual travel. I periodically will watch Amazing Race, but after watching it for one season I got burned out from it. It really de-romanticized exotic countries and it became difficult to watch. I can watch it in moderation - maybe 3 or 4 episodes per season. My favorite shows are 60 minutes, Parenthood, and 48 hours. My TV does not get good reception so some of the comedies that I like (30 Rock), I will watch when they come out on DVD. Right now I am behind on 30 Rock. It is great that you like music from the 40's and 50's. I also like hearing music from older eras. I am really democratic when it comes to music and can find a way to enjoy almost any kind of music. I try to watch the Voice an American Idol and it has given me an appreciation for the talent and hardwork it takes to become accomplished in music that I formerly looked a little down on (pop music). But now I see the light. I don't do much reading these days but I am always wanting to read this that and the other books and magazines I just never seem to get around to it. I have a self-help type book that I have been meaning to get to, which I will take to work with me tomorrow, so that I will atleast read a few pages and get started.

I like your outlook on marriage and I am glad that you learned about communication and found a healthy relationship. I know your husband is older and needs care - I am glad that you are able to be there for him and have a happy life together. Thank you for wishing the same for me.
What kind of shows do you watch? Who is your favorite musician?

 
Old 10-12-2012, 06:35 AM   #30
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Re: Eminating Evil

Hi my friend, as you can see I'm a tv holic. I enjoy watching reality shows and watching the dynamics of how people interact and communicate. I like watching 60 minutes and 48 hours and mysteries of diseases and also things that happen to people. It is sad there are so many bad things that happen to people now a days. When I was young I could ride my bike anywhere and walk a mile to school and never be afraid except for the man down the street who would make noises when I passed by his house. My mom told me to walk on the other side of the street and that worked. I went to only one concert in my life and that was Barry Manilow. I really liked him and Billy Joel's music when my boys were younger. I loved the movie Beaches with Bette Midler. It made me cry but I loved the friendship the two girls had from different backgrounds. Have you ever seen the movie Joy Luck Club? It is an Asian movie with mothers and daughters and the dynamics of their communication and mothers from other countries trying to understand their daughters and having high expectations for them. It reminded me of my family a little bit. I think people can become isolated when they just stay at home and watch tv or stay by themselves. I understand it is hard for some people and yet I love to play games with the seniors on Sunday and hear their life stories. I guess when I'm with others I don't think about myself as much. It is a great feeling. The leaves are changing and the weather is getting cooler and I love it since I got hot flashes from lack of hormones. Going through the change of life. I really liked the Voice this year when they had blind auditions. I think they should judge the singer without looking at the person and making judgements of how a person looks, don't you? I hope you have a great weekend and do something fun for yourself. Talk to you soon.

 
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