As you describe it, you are a writer at heart. (Though it is out of necessity, perhaps - a need to communicate somehow, if not through speech). I am glad for it. Through writing here, my need to want to become a good listener has some chance in daylight.) Your phrase "I hate to see animals die so I'm glad I won't be around when that happens" struck me a bit (In conversation I would not have paid much attention.) Reading that phrase over, I'm sure you meant that you wouldn't see her die because you have moved away from her, but my first thought was that you were perhaps ill. Is that the case? I don't mean to be an alarmist, but the phrase just struck me.
I had a professor once who was a very generous person as a teacher - he shared with his students generously. And though I really did not belong in his advanced class, he let me in and treated me with respect. I had noticed something gloomy in him and he in me and I felt we had an unspoken understanding that life was not a cake-walk for either one of us. I was too shy to talk to him or hardly anyone. On the last day of class, in the course of giving a lecture, he looked straight at me and said something to the effect: "everyone should get there papers early in because 'I won't be around.'" It startled me. I became panicked because I thought he was trying to tell me something, but I coughed it up to my paranoia. Weeks later, we heard news that he has passed away from surgical complications and had known all along that odds were high that he would not make it. These bizarre coincidences certainly do not help people of have mental issues and make for spooky conversation - which doesn't help us either!. Have you seen the movie "Donny Darko?" by the way?
Reading that back - that was a depressing story, so lets move on...
You being a good listener to boot is quite a specialty. I do admire (from a genuinely sincere place) people who are good listeners. And you have sensitive heart. Your cousin must be grateful. Just an insider tip - when my writing becomes confused like your cousin's, it is because I have a very specific complaint that can never be remedied or that I am ashamed to articulate and so I will grasp at a 100 other complaints without ever feeling the freedom to say exactly the thing that is bothering me. All the reasoning and the logic behind my 100 complaints will be muddled because I am frustrated that I can't say the real thing that is really bothering me.
I wanted to talk to you about such a thing today, but I got distracted by your writing about your lovely pet.
I will talk to you about it next time. How do you feel about listening to complicated, convulated, paranoid, dramas and complaints that have no satisfactory answers?
Hi my friend. I hope you had a good weekend. I thought about you a lot and I am so glad we can learn to trust each other via this forum. It is easier to write than to listen sometimes when we have so much in our minds at times. I know you have a lot to say and I hope you can feel free to share with me. I am all ears. The part about my not wanting to be there for my dog when she died was because I have had pets in the past and when they died or got sick it too me a long time to grieve and when my mom died and cousin died I had a long period when I was so sad and couldn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't feel safe to talk about their deaths until I joined Hospice and people allowed me to share my grief and listened. I hate death of anything and it makes me so sad inside. I know how you feel about your professor and how you felt abandoned inside. Some people don't understand this but I do. You can share anything with me and I will unscrabble any feelings you have and see if I can understand it. My cousin wrote four letters to me and rambled on and thanked me in some letters and accused me in others. I understand she is venting and doesn't really know what she is saying. You are not mentally ill but I feel are emotionally delayed and like me a late bloomer. I know you have been deeply hurt by those who you had in your life that was supposed to cherish, trust, protect and unconditionally love you. I do hope you will continue to write your feelings down and I will listen and share my thoughts and feelings with you. Have a good day!
I wanted to tell you that I played bingo with some seniors on Friday night but when I was coming home on the train, I started walking to the bus to take me to my car and I fell. Have you ever fallen and been so embarrassed but also you checked to see if you hadn't broken any bones. A nice man asked if I was alright and helped me up. There are some nice people in this world. One time I was in New York and I saw so many mentally ill people sitting in a restaurant cleaning their cups and counting money and looking so lonely. Then I went down the street and there was a cat in a tree and there were five people looking so concerned to get the cat down from the tree. It was quite an eye opener that in New York people care more about animals sometimes than people. There were many older people who had no one to care for them and would ask my help and I felt funny helping them because I didn't want their family to think I was doing something suspicious. They don't trust people there too much because I'm sure many people have been ripped off or had a bad experience. Not all New Yorkers and it happens in every city. Anyway, it was fun playing games with the seniors and playing a card game on Sunday afternoon with some ladies. Do you like to play table or card games?
I am sorry to hear that you fell. I know that you live in VA and when you mentioned you fell, it felt like an an event happening far off somewhere to someone, and not to the person I have been writing to. I have a hard time connecting you the person that I know to the everyday events that you must go through. Isn't that strange? Nevertheless, I am sorry you fell, but glad someone helped you. That must have felt nice - words of concern from a stranger.
I truly hope you are OK and not too bruised up. I don't remember the last time I fell. It's been a while. As a youngster/teenager I can imagine that I would be embarassed but a fall or a trip, but, now-a-days I would be more worried about the pain and the breaking/bruising bones.
I do imagine you as a very caring and sensitive person. I am sorry that you have experienced death in your life that left you so sad. I can certainly picture it and though the words you wrote about how your mom and cousin's death affected you, seem to come out now matter-of-factly, it must have been a devastating day-to-day drudgery before you finally found relief at Hospice. Sadness at death was a part of my earlier life as well. I can't even describe the pain it brought on. We are similar in this way. Now-a-days I am a different person.
You asked about playing cards...I am not really much of a game player. As a matter of fact, come to think of it, there is so little activity that I do that I have a hard time contributing anything to conversations (I have very little life experiences to share). My whole life has been trying to find a way to literally co-exist with people without causing anyone any discomfort at my presence. Admittedly, much of this must have been in my head. This may be my emotional delay showing itself, but a successful outing for me is when I don't notice anyone being unhappy to see me out and about. (Because today I am feeling good about myself, this whole description of my sad life sounds really melodramatic, but honestly, I have let life pass me by completely, in my quest to just exist without bothering other people).
So, to summarize....I don't do much and when I DO do something, I am paying full attention to how people are reacting to me, rather than the task at hand. At this moment it seems silly, but it has been my reality. I almost never have raised my hand in class outside of HS, nor almost ever spoke to anyone all throughout college, for example.
Back to the difficult subject that I wanted to talk to you about...I was going to talk about how intimidated I am of pretty women and how I am always in conflict with them due to my self-image issues. This is really tough for me to talk about because my appearance is a very sore topic. I am too concerned about how people look and how I relate that to the type of person they are. I acutally posted a question on the Relationships board of this forum about my current work troubles. It is called "A question to Pretty women" Can you read that post and share your advice?
Hi my dear friend. I see your heart and don't care how you look. Have you ever seen the twins who are conjoined at the head. They live two-headed and have such courage. They go to college and want to marry. They have great support that we never really got. It is hard when you feel different and been bullied or ostracized in life and want a friend to talk to. I'm your friend and I read your post about pretty women. I'm so sorry that your job has such air heads and that they seem like they have no substance and nothing better to do than to bully you or anyone different. Ugh. I wouldn't like that at all. I've had people over my 26 years working here that have tried to get rid of me and put me on probation but I worked harder and proved them wrong and stayed and they left. Yah!! After chemo my brain wasn't functioning well and I forgot to do things I should have done. I got in trouble and also being a people pleaser I allowed a girl to take the checks I should have sent to the bank and she left them in her file drawers. I really got in trouble for that one. Anyway, I hate criticism and negative things said to me but sometimes I need to hear them and correct my attitude or behavior. About pretty women. I look at women and think some are so beautiful and I went to the Senior Ball in high school, I had to ask the boy, and wanted to see all the girls in their pretty dresses. I was very shy and I met a woman with two girls who is so beautiful inside and out and she liked me as a friend. I couldn't believe it. We are good friends and call each other sisters. So I have learned that a person's outside is not as beautiful as their character and integrity and their compassion for other people. Some people are ugly inside and i don't want to be their friend. I would try to ignore them and find someone outside your work and try to reach out to someone who may feel just as lonely and needs a good friend.
I'm so sorry you feel tormented in going out and feeling everyone is looking at you. I felt that way when I was a teenager and hated walking across the street because I thought people were looking at me and thinking I was big and fat. It was in my head and I realized people are thinking about their own thing and not paying attention to me at all. It amazed me. I'm so proud of you that you went to college. I went to two years of community college and got an AA but employers want more than that so I have stayed at my job being afraid I wouldn't find anything else out there. What did you major in? My dad was so disappointed in me not going on in college but I didn't know what to do. So I got married to the first guy who asked me. UGH! Not wise. I love hearing from you. Keep writing and I am here for you.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-10-2012 at 07:48 PM.
I feel that you have been lucky to have experienced marriage. I know it did not work out so well, but when you go in the extreme opposite direction where you don't take part in life much at all or take many relationship risks, then events like marriage (good or bad), seem like a positive experience.
It is funny- but I want to take that statement right back!!
At my last job before this one, my supervisor was a man and we both sat in the same small cubicle-like space. I disliked him so much that can joke that he cured me of wanting to get married.
He was quite controlling and self-absorbed. Once he joked about a man killing his wife for adultery, and I felt fear of him take hold.
If I had to go home to this man everyday, I would lose my mind, I thought. Not only would I be lonely, but scared and also with no freedom. It is good to know that yes indeed, there are cases where being alone is better than being with someone! Sometimes you have to see this for yourself through actual experience. But I am happy for you that you had that experience and are still a good, happy person with children with whom you are now in a more healthy relationship.
Thank you for sympathizing with me about my work bullies. Right now I have pretty much stopped talking at work and I try to get up from my desk only to use the restroom and to make copies. It must be a strange sight for those around me (it adds to their image of me as a strange person) but I do this in order to not be completely miserable.
I atleast have managed to still be functional at work. Although getting accused of being a gay stalker is too much for my well-being. When I am quiet, I feel like I am in some control. It is a lot better to quietly do your work than be laughed at when you speak or to be called a man.
Oh how all this drama makes me wish I was a normal person with normal problems and a normal way to handle them!
It is hard for me to tell someone all this. When it comes to being bullied it takes away your self-pride and when it involves such an embarassing twist, it is so hard to talk about. But at the same time, it feels like such a relief because you are so supportive.
I am glad you were able to keep your job and survive the fog that chemo-therapy put you in. That is not your fault and I am surprised at the level of insensitivity many people are capable of showing. Who cares if you were off your game for a while, people should be rejoicing that you are there and survived cancer! How maddening!
In the short space of time that we have been talking - (the past week or so), I already see things with a more healthy perspective. I not only know it in my head, but
feel in my heart that yes, the way that a person appears on the outside does not have to determine how they are on the inside. Just having a support system like
someone to talk to really makes all the difference (thank you for that).
I haven't been able to reach out in a deep friendship with someone in real life. There are too many barriers, such as not being able to contribute much to friendships and finding someone who appears as lonely as I am. There is this guy at work that I wish I could date (or to be more honest, he is someone I imagine could be my husband). He is kind of shy and speaks quite intelligently but quietly. I have heard me speak maybe 3 times and I am infatuated because he smiled at me. He grinned almost like a chimp and I began to imagine that he found me attractive. But this type of situation is typical of me - infatuation for silly reasons and then disappointment as the infatuation wears off. This guy also seems a little like a misfit, but I have very low self-esteem and I can't imagine him being proud to be called my boyfriend. How would I keep him happy ?- it would be embarrassing to go out with a woman who looks like a man when he could go out with almost anybody else and not have to get trapped in same ridicule that I face each day. My ability to get involved in any real relationship is just too depressing and hopeless. This includes friendships.
You asked about death....The death that affected me the most deeply was that of the musician Kurt Cobain. It seems like a silly thing to say to someone who faced real tangible loss in her life - your wonderful mom - but I could not function after the news and since then I have not been the same person. Perhaps becuase I did not have a healthy family and friends to help through the loss, but I just took that death hard. Death was the ultimate in sorrow for me when I was young.
I had thought Kurt a misunderstood angel and I could understand his painful life and when he committed suicide I just fell into a breathless grief for the next 10 years. I would always think about him and I just wanted him alive and well. That is a glimpse into my life - I get more attached to personalities and those on TV than to real life people. All that I am as a person has been learned from TV and the media.
Thank you again for your advice about beauty and appreciation. I feel so light-hearted since I have had a chance to talk about such embarrassing topics. I will talk tomorrow.
Last edited by MissJealousy; 10-10-2012 at 05:13 PM.
Hi my friend, it is always good to hear from you and I'm glad you can share your feelings and life with me. Do you watch any reality shows like Amazing Race or Survivor? I like those shows. It is like going to the places the people on the show are experiencing. I think I would rather watch it on tv than be there personally because of all the bugs, rain, cold, etc. Do you have any favorite tv shows? What kind of music do you like? I like the 40's and 50's music. I guess I should have been born in a different era. I hope you have a great day. Do you like to read? I love to read biographies of people and see their life stories. It is inspirational and encouraging.
I thought about what you said about marriage. I think most people would like to find someone to share their life with. I think I was fortunate to have been married twice. You learn a lot about yourself when you are married to a person who is different from yourself and has different experiences to relate to whether good or bad. I learned a lot about myself and how I reacted or didn't react to my first husband and how communication when there was conflict was difficult for me. I never saw my mom and dad argue or have conflicts and if they did they did it behind their bedroom door quietly. I have learned that communication with your husband or wife and feeling emotionally attached is so very important for a healthy relationship. I finally feel like I belong in a home and feel loved and respected. I hope one day you will find someone like this in your life. It is well worth the risk. Take care.
Hi my friend, it is always good to hear from you and I'm glad you can share your feelings and life with me. Do you watch any reality shows like Amazing Race or Survivor? I like those shows. It is like going to the places the people on the show are experiencing. I think I would rather watch it on tv than be there personally because of all the bugs, rain, cold, etc. Do you have any favorite tv shows? What kind of music do you like? I like the 40's and 50's music. I guess I should have been born in a different era. I hope you have a great day. Do you like to read? I love to read biographies of people and see their life stories. It is inspirational and encouraging.
Dear Renko,
TV really can put a nice spin on reality and so I understand why watching Amazing Race would be more convenient than actual travel. I periodically will watch Amazing Race, but after watching it for one season I got burned out from it. It really de-romanticized exotic countries and it became difficult to watch. I can watch it in moderation - maybe 3 or 4 episodes per season. My favorite shows are 60 minutes, Parenthood, and 48 hours. My TV does not get good reception so some of the comedies that I like (30 Rock), I will watch when they come out on DVD. Right now I am behind on 30 Rock. It is great that you like music from the 40's and 50's. I also like hearing music from older eras. I am really democratic when it comes to music and can find a way to enjoy almost any kind of music. I try to watch the Voice an American Idol and it has given me an appreciation for the talent and hardwork it takes to become accomplished in music that I formerly looked a little down on (pop music). But now I see the light. I don't do much reading these days but I am always wanting to read this that and the other books and magazines I just never seem to get around to it. I have a self-help type book that I have been meaning to get to, which I will take to work with me tomorrow, so that I will atleast read a few pages and get started.
I like your outlook on marriage and I am glad that you learned about communication and found a healthy relationship. I know your husband is older and needs care - I am glad that you are able to be there for him and have a happy life together. Thank you for wishing the same for me.
What kind of shows do you watch? Who is your favorite musician?
Hi my friend, as you can see I'm a tv holic. I enjoy watching reality shows and watching the dynamics of how people interact and communicate. I like watching 60 minutes and 48 hours and mysteries of diseases and also things that happen to people. It is sad there are so many bad things that happen to people now a days. When I was young I could ride my bike anywhere and walk a mile to school and never be afraid except for the man down the street who would make noises when I passed by his house. My mom told me to walk on the other side of the street and that worked. I went to only one concert in my life and that was Barry Manilow. I really liked him and Billy Joel's music when my boys were younger. I loved the movie Beaches with Bette Midler. It made me cry but I loved the friendship the two girls had from different backgrounds. Have you ever seen the movie Joy Luck Club? It is an Asian movie with mothers and daughters and the dynamics of their communication and mothers from other countries trying to understand their daughters and having high expectations for them. It reminded me of my family a little bit. I think people can become isolated when they just stay at home and watch tv or stay by themselves. I understand it is hard for some people and yet I love to play games with the seniors on Sunday and hear their life stories. I guess when I'm with others I don't think about myself as much. It is a great feeling. The leaves are changing and the weather is getting cooler and I love it since I got hot flashes from lack of hormones. Going through the change of life. I really liked the Voice this year when they had blind auditions. I think they should judge the singer without looking at the person and making judgements of how a person looks, don't you? I hope you have a great weekend and do something fun for yourself. Talk to you soon.
So you are a tv-aholic! A toast and a cheer! I would be too if my reception wasn't so bad. If I had my family to watch shows with (like when I was young), it would be the ultimate in entertainment, but now-a-days I watch in moderation, though it still has a great influence on my personality. (Yup I have learned from 48 Hours that there is so much bizarre and insane stuff that people do to each other. This show is not a good influence on me....
It is very interesting for me to hear that you really like watching reality shows and how people interact with each other - yes that is a lot of fun. It feels like you are getting to know people you would never get to know in real life. So we are similar in this way.
I haven't watched Beaches (but I have heard good things about it). I don't know much about Barry Manilow or Billy Joel, but I will be sure to pay more attention to them when I come across their music next time. I also want to read the Joy Luck Club. In college, a teacher talked about it a little, but I do want to read the book - I have so many movies and books on my to-do list, but I don't get around to it.
I am glad that your life is filled with voluteer-work and joy that you bring to and get from working with seniors. It must be quite fulfilling. I used to do some volunteer-work but I am a bit more reclused right now and have to wait to get some self-pride back before I start that again. I am too self-hating at the moment and self-conscious to interact with people at the moment.
How do you find time to work, have a family, pets, be addicted to tv, and voluteer all at the same time. You may be wonder woman! It seems like a lot on anyone's plate but it all must be a joy, because otherwise it would be hard to do it all. Is it all good times?
I want to ask advice about making friends. You, who has been through so much, still are so healthy and supportive and happy! And functional! Bravo! This is admirable. There is a new person at work who does not yet know the negative rumors about me. I had to train her for work and she really seemed to happy to work with me. She asked if we could do something together outside of work and I am nervous about disappointing her when she realizes how awkward I am. One worry that is constantly on my mind is that whenever the office bullies see me talking to someone, I believe they do their best to make sure rumors reach that person and meanness increases.
The obstacles to making this friendship work are many in my crazy mind. I am first very self-conscious when I am talking to her because I am afraid of the bullies. On top of that, I may bring negative energy into her work-life by making her a target (being my friend will make her a "loser" so-to-speak). What should I do? One part of me wants to tell her everything like I've told you but that would be odd - (to spill so much personal information to someone who barely knows my name.) Plus no one should have to get trapped in my miserable, unhealthy world when they have so much promise ahead of them. She would be so much worry-free if she did not know me. What should I do?
Hi my friend, you have a wonderful personality and a great sense of humor when you write to me. It encourages me that we are trusting each other and sharing what is important to us. Yes, it sounds like my life is busy but really it is very routine and not much change. I get stressed out if things don't run smoothly each day. My mind gets frustrated and confused if I get stressed out and so I try to do things when things are running smoothly. I know my husband will not live too many years so that is why I moved to this retirement community. He doesn't like to be with the older people but I do. I have enjoyed playing games with some of the women and they don't gossip or talk about others. I like people like that. If I think people are talking about someone in a negative way, I tend to believe they are talking about me too behind my back. I catch myself sometimes when I talk about someone negatively and feel badly about it. I think your new friend would be interested in knowing you but I have found that I would do it after work just between you and her for dinner or coffee and ask her questions about her life. Try to listen or mental notes of what she likes, what she does and how she feels about things. I know you will be thinking about what you want to say but really concentrate the first one or two times on her and what she says. If we share too much with strangers sometimes I have scared them away because either they don't know how to relate to me or they haven't been through similar experiences. If she is a nice person, she won't listen to the airheads in your office and give you a chance to be your friend. I found that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You are caring and have a very sensitive heart and mind. One step at a time. I know what you are saying about 48 hours, sometimes I shouldn't fill my mind with these crazy people and families. It is so upsetting to see people behave in such mean and hateful ways. But I do like to try to understand what brought them to the point that they came to. I think alcohol, drugs and being "in love" can cause a lot of problems. I know if you can talk to a professional and find tips on how to release your anxiety and your worry about what people think of you, it will help you a lot. People usually don't think about us as much as we think they do. They are more concerned about themselves but there are some bullies out in the world that should be reprimanded and talked to. Again, I try to ignore people who are so ignorant that they want to speak negatively about someone and try to bully them. I think they are more insecure than other people who are more accepting. Don't sell yourself so short, you have something to offer in a friendship and I'm so glad we are friends. It has taken many years for me to come out of my shell and not feeling so self-conscious about myself. I realized people love to talk about themselves so I try to be a good listener and take mental notes. I love reading what you write each day.
My friend, I wanted to let you know that I wouldn't be writing tomorrow since I won't be at work. I didn't want you to think you had done or written something and I wasn't answering. I know I have thought that way in the past of those I have written to and have not gotten a response. I'll write to you on Wednesday and hope you have a good Tuesday.
There are so many points that stand out for me from your
latest posts. I want to address them all but then my
post would be too long. So I will touch on some of them.
First I want to say that in many ways (and I hope this
is not a mild insult (my sense of humor again)) but we
are on the same wave length in many ways.
I really appreciate you giving me the heads up that you will not
be able to write for a day. It is as if you know that
because of my emotional immaturity, I may interpret it
in a negative way. I do tend to come up with far-
fetched negative stories in my head based on very little
information. At work I sit quietly and when I hear someone say
something, I come up with stories as to the negative
thoughts they must be expressing, often about me. Thank you for understanding this and thank you for sharing that you have a little of the same tendency - at least when it comes to not hearing back from someone. It is very sensitive of you and I appreciate it.
I do trust you. But honestly part of my openness has to
do with anonymity. Also, not to take away from your
supportiveness, but these days I tend to lay all my
cards on the table as I desperately want some relief. A
few days back I wanted to tell you if at any time, you
feel like it is time for this friendship to come to an
end, or to take a break, or if certain subjects are too
negative to listen to, I will think very highly of you
for respecting me enough to be honest. I will do the
same for you.
My fixation on "negative story-making" is based on my
relationship with my mom when I was young. My mom was
very frustrated with me. In her frustration, she would
say and mumble negative things about me as I went about
daily life - expressing her hate for me at odd times
when I thought everything was OK and so now this is
seared in my head. To this day, I believe that everyone
is doing the same.
I know that you are a very giving person, that you try
to understand why people behave the way they behave and
try to look for the best in others. So it is funny that
you would list "being in love" as being up there with
"drug use" in terms of the harm it can do! This is
really funny but also I can see your point if I stretch
my imagination. When I have a "crush" on a guy, things are both wonderful and miserable for me at the same time. It is a very vulnerable position to be in. Things can hurt so much more than if you were not in love.
Thank you for all your advice about friendship. It is
very useful. I have to listen to a person as I am
becoming their friend and get to know her before
spilling my guts. I love the advice and I am going to
try it. Also I wanted to mention that I completely
relate to what you mentioned about being able to take on
alot in life when things are already going smoothly. If
one or two things begin to unravel, everything can come
unglued for you and me too. Thank you for telling me
about living in a retirement home. I hope for the best
for you and your husband and I hope that you have a lot
of support in your life and that your days are filled
with all the joy that you deserve.
Hi my dear friend, I don't think you can get rid of me as your friend because when I find someone I like and can relate to I am a very loyal and faithful friend and hopefully we can share on this forum for a long time. I used to have friends that would tell me they would call me or write to me and I would get nothing and it frustrated me but then I decided not to have expectations from those people and gave them the benefit of the doubt and gave them the freedom to call or write if they felt led to and not to control or force them. I only have a few good friends.
I don't have many where I live but the seniors which I know weekly. I think anyone is "rich" if they have at least one good friend they can talk to about anything and get feedback. I'm so sorry your mom hurt you deeply. She must have been hurt when she was young and passed it on to you. Hurting people tend to hurt other people. I was so afraid when I had my sons that I might hurt them by saying things in anger and what my dad had said to me. I'm glad they felt more secure and felt like they belonged in a home with their dad.
I wanted to make sure you knew I was not ignoring you yesterday when I was not at work. I am getting a little tougher on the outside with people but I used to be so very sensitive and internalize what people said or did to me years ago. I don't think it is emotional immaturity but a lack of trusting a person you hope will like you and be a friend to you. I get it.
Remember I was very shy myself but I'm getting better. It took a lot of years. Have a great day. There is hope, my friend.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-17-2012 at 06:27 PM.
It really felt nice to hear you say that I can't rid of you so easily. It made me remember in a small way the love I used to have people who are caring and how I myself was so caring. I held loyalty in very high regard before time and experience and my freakish analyzing forced me out
of that naive mode. You remind me of that kind of person. I know that you are more tough with people now than you used to be, but at heart you are a very sensitive soul and you have an intuition for knowing
what may hurt a person.
It so is easy and now routine for me to say, "I don't really care about a person so I am ready when they decide to leave." But I don't really want to be this kind of a person. It is true that it makes me tough as
nails but it also has taken the joy out of life.
I just want you to know that I liking talking to you and to say thank you for being here and that yes I want you here and no I am not looking forward to when this has to come to end.
and yes I want to be here for you.
It is OK to want to be nice and want everyone to get along and find ways
to remain friends and not always move on to bigger better things. This is who I want to be.
And You are right - a person is very rich for having one friend. You have no idea how literally this is true for me. You have shared so much with me.
I am glad that you have a few good people in your life who are your friends and who help you get past the hurt from your own childhood. I am glad that you were thinking about the well-being of your children not continuing the cycle of hurtful living that you experienced at home
when you decided to live apart from your children. It was a decision based in love and caring and this is the person that you are.
I am feeling really sentimental today! I want to talk to you about a very sensitive topic - my mom.
Yesterday my mom sent me a facebook friendship request. I don't know if you are familiar with this technology but it is a way to keep in touch with people via the Facebook website. Now me and my mom haven't been in contact for years. To be honest, I am not certain if it is really one of my siblings that sent the friendship request on my mom's behalf to try to
get us to work things out.
I had to cry when I saw the e-mail because of how much I longed for her
love as a child and how much I wanted to be a loved
member of the family. I still want this though I know in my head that it is not possible for make someone love you from a genuine place no matter how good I try to be. My mom and I would literally have to turn into two different people in order for there to be genuine love between us.
Many years ago I was living with my mom and my siblings (in my late 20s) for financial reasons. There was alot of tension in the house, with me being there. My siblings and my mom would get along fine, but not me. I was a miserable and mean creature and I was not on speaking
terms with my mom though we lived under the same roof.
I was enjoying a rent-free selfish living without doing anything to contribute to the family. And I felt hated.
This is going to reveal a side to my personality that I
am not proud of. It shows my level of selfishness and
psychosis: Living with my mom, I believed that she was trying to hurt me physically. My hair was falling out
and I was sickly and so ugly that I thought she had something to do with that. (I don't want to go into too many details but this is not as parnoid as it sounds because of what my relationship was like with my mom as
a child).
Living in that house as an adult, I took on this persona
of a mean scary person so she would think twice about
getting away with hurting me. She mentioned to my
siblings that she was scared of me, and I am ashamed to
say that was right to say this.
I always feel like a miserable person groveling for love and so vulnerable when the subject of my mom and my family comes up. As far as I am concerned I am pretty much dead to my family (except my older brother). Leaving thoughts of my family behind has given me the ability to focus on other things and not be paralyzed in that way any longer. But whenever I think of trying to make a family of my own, I think of how I would tell my husband about the dysfunction of my family. How would a mom love me when my own mom could not. Sometimes I feel the pangs again.
I have to think long and hard about whether I want to bring my mom back into my life. My old self is begging me to never look back to that pain and my new self is saying that maybe I can make it work.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-17-2012 at 06:33 PM.
