I have never had a real best friend, nor a serious relationship. I am not close to my family and the only way I can keep a job is if I take myself out of the office picture and go work in a corner. Please don't be shy and give advice if you have it - I am starved for it.
There is a great deal of negative energy that eminates from me in my everyday life. When I walk into a room, I will often hear the words "eeww" or "yuck" mumbled under someone's breath.
No matter how nice I try to be, my physical presence is so negative that people just try to stay away from me; and wish "I would just go away." (Atleast this is what I believe.)
It is now a routine for me: I see the disgust in people's faces and I slink away, trying to stay out of the way with my mean, ugly face slumped down.
I feel so sad saying this, because eventhough I am mean-looking, I want to do good and be friendly and help people. But this burden is too much.
Let me tell you something - please tell me if this is just something that young people do nowadays and I shouldn't get too upset by it. When I try to dress nice and go out on the town, smiling, being happy, atleast one person every few blocks will mumble as I walk by: "dog". If I don't dress up and try to wear baggy clothes and go out, people mumble "dyke". I don't know what to do. I am afraid to go out b/c heart will feel like it is slowly dying for days to come. Why can't I just be like any other creature. Why do people have to say these things. Is this the new norm for this world?
I feel so hopeless about this situation. It is taking the will to live out of me, because it is almost a 100% guarantee my attempts to be friendly will be met with repugnance. So it is like I am trapped here on earth among happy normal people. If I am nice, it ends in failure. If am mean, it ends in failure. If I am nice and someone reciprocates, instead of feeling joy, I feel double-depressed b/c I know the joy will be taken away shortly (at the next block, so-to-speak).
What to do? I am eminating evil.
The following 3 users give hugs of support to: MissJealousy elizabeth62 (09-27-2012), Phoenix (09-25-2012), writeleft (10-11-2012)
I don't know why you are bothering about what people think of you and what they say, because the biggest critic and put-downer in your life is you. As long as you hate yourself so much, you will never to even consider that other people may not hate you. Any comment or insult you hear from people is nothing compared to how you insult yourself. I don't think it is "evil" that you give off, it is a self-hatred so deep that nobody can even attempt to get past it. In this whole universe, there is one person we should be able to count on to like us and have our back, and that is our own self. Get some help to get to the bottom of why you think you are so different, and how to deal with it. I wish i could offer more, but you have a lot of work to do, unless you have a deep seated ambition to be that mad cat-lady who never comes out of her house. Sera
The Following User Says Thank You to Seraph For This Useful Post: MissJealousy (09-25-2012)
I'm so sorry that you have felt so isolated and alone and that you have never had a best friend or relationship. I felt the way you do when my mom died at the age of 12 years old. My dad and I lived in the same house but he was grieving for his loss and isolated himself and me emotionally which really caused me to have very damaged emotional problems in my early years. I was so isolated and lonely and went to school each day but didn't connect with anyone or if I did and got mad at them I wouldn't talk to them and ignored my friend. I went to a Bible study one night and saw happy people but didn't understand what they had that I didn't. I finally cried out to Jesus and found out that His Word is true and that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I still struggled after becoming a Christian and felt like people talked about me or behind my back but later realized that people were not as interested in me as I thought they were and if they didn't like me I would find someone who was friendly or smiling at me and I would let down my guard or defenses. It was hard and I hope you get some personal help from someone who you will let in and let the light come in and then your darkness will go away slowly. If you reach out to others or help people it may make you feel happier. Smiling and being friendly brings people closer. Do you have any physical abnormalties? I wish you the best and your are unique and were created to have a life abundantly and full but you need to see this for yourself. Go to a support group near your home and find some people who will show compassion and friendship. Do you have a mom and dad and were you abandoned by them? Take care. I care.
The following user gives a hug of support to renko: Phoenix (09-26-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to renko For This Useful Post: MissJealousy (09-25-2012)
I don't know why you are bothering about what people think of you and what they say, because the biggest critic and put-downer in your life is you. As long as you hate yourself so much, you will never to even consider that other people may not hate you. Any comment or insult you hear from people is nothing compared to how you insult yourself. I don't think it is "evil" that you give off, it is a self-hatred so deep that nobody can even attempt to get past it. In this whole universe, there is one person we should be able to count on to like us and have our back, and that is our own self. Get some help to get to the bottom of why you think you are so different, and how to deal with it. I wish i could offer more, but you have a lot of work to do, unless you have a deep seated ambition to be that mad cat-lady who never comes out of her house. Sera
Dear Seraph -
Thank you for your words of advice. You are right - I am not there for myself in terms of loving all my flaws, but honest to goodness, I am a really selfish person. My world revolves around me only and only me. I lose interest in what people are saying unless I have some direct, exact experience relating to what they are saying. It is hard for me to accept that I need to give myself more.
It is really hard not to bother with what people are saying; it really is the only way for me to feel good. Your words of advice mean alot in this moment, for example.
I guess b/c I don't have anyone that I believe has ever felt happy being around me (except my little neice and nephew, who have now grown out of that phase), it really feels good when someone thinks well of me. It is the only way I feel any kind of deep joy. You are right - I need to really get some professional help. It is going to take sometime to take that step. Thank you for the chins up - it brought tears to my eyes to hear someone say that I am not evil.
I'm so sorry that you have felt so isolated and alone and that you have never had a best friend or relationship. I felt the way you do when my mom died at the age of 12 years old. My dad and I lived in the same house but he was grieving for his loss and isolated himself and me emotionally which really caused me to have very damaged emotional problems in my early years. I was so isolated and lonely and went to school each day but didn't connect with anyone or if I did and got mad at them I wouldn't talk to them and ignored my friend. I went to a Bible study one night and saw happy people but didn't understand what they had that I didn't. I finally cried out to Jesus and found out that His Word is true and that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I still struggled after becoming a Christian and felt like people talked about me or behind my back but later realized that people were not as interested in me as I thought they were and if they didn't like me I would find someone who was friendly or smiling at me and I would let down my guard or defenses. It was hard and I hope you get some personal help from someone who you will let in and let the light come in and then your darkness will go away slowly. If you reach out to others or help people it may make you feel happier. Smiling and being friendly brings people closer. Do you have any physical abnormalties? I wish you the best and your are unique and were created to have a life abundantly and full but you need to see this for yourself. Go to a support group near your home and find some people who will show compassion and friendship. Do you have a mom and dad and were you abandoned by them? Take care. I care.
Dear Renko,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It must have been hard to have so much bad luck come your way at such a young age. I was isolated at a young age - I did not fit well in school, nor in my own family. I can relate to your reaching out to God. It does seem like a higher power is the one thing that is so comforting to believe (someone like Jesus or Buddha, or Allah, who is above all the human pettiness).
My parental situation was not as cohesive as I thought I deserved. I had put an extra value in what I saw on television about how families should be (The show Family Ties, for example) and felt I wasn't cared for. I guess my parents did the best they could - my mom has said so herself, but I felt like I was a step-daughter.
It is interesting that you realize that I may have a physical abnormality. I in fact do have deep issues with my appearance. People mistake me for a transgendered woman. This is the bane of my existence. It seems like this group is the most hated by young, old, gay, straight, black, white alike. And to top it off, because I am actually a straight woman, I can't even seek solace in the transgendered community.
To admit that outload, just took the breath out of me. I am going to rest for a bit. I thank you for listening and hope you don't think less of me. (I myself am a very judgemental person (one reason why I dislike myself) so this is why I am so concerned about what everyone thinks about me.
Thank you for sharing on this forum about something that is really hard for you and I'm so proud of you that you brought it into the light. When we hide our real self then it is hard to relate to other people who are just as flawed inside and out as we ourselves. I was raised in a home where everyone was very little in stature and my cousin's were petite.
I was adopted and I was bigger boned so everyone would say "Big Girl". Well in my head I felt like I was huge and would try to hide myself in coats in hot weather and felt very self-conscious walking across the street feeling everyone was staring at me. That was my perception inside my head. I hope you can really find someone to talk to about the root problems in your life. You were made a unique and special person and people normally are thinking about themselves and not others. If those people are shallow and judgemental to judge your appearance then you don't need to be around them. To me they are toxic but if people are kind and you learn to listen to them and participate in something you like, it may help.
Do you have any hobbies? Do you enjoy certain sports? I don't know if you watched Glee but there was a coach on there that was very masculine looking but had a wonderful and sensitive heart. She appeared very scary and gruff and harsh but she wanted people to like her too. She accepted herself and otehrs started to see the good things in her. I wish you the very best. We are all different. God made us this way. If we were all the same it would be quite boring don't you think. Keep communicating and know we care.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 11:27 AM.
Thank you for sharing on this forum about something that is really hard for you and I'm so proud of you that you brought it into the light. When we hide our real self then it is hard to relate to other people who are just as flawed inside and out as we ourselves. I was raised in a Japanese home and everyone was very little in stature and my cousin's were petite. I was half Asian and half German since I was adopted and I was bigger boned so everyone would say "Big Girl". Well in my head I felt like I was huge and would try to hide myself in coats in hot weather and felt very self-conscious walking across the street feeling everyone was staring at me. That was my perception inside my head. I hope you can really find someone to talk to about the root problems in your life. You were made a unique and special person and people normally are thinking about themselves and not others. If those people are shallow and judgemental to judge your appearance then you don't need to be around them. To me they are toxic but if people are kind and you learn to listen to them and participate in something you like, it may help. Do you have any hobbies? Do you enjoy certain sports? I don't know if you watched Glee but there was a coach on there that was very masculine looking but had a wonderful and sensitive heart. She appeared very scary and gruff and harsh but she wanted people to like her too. She accepted herself and otehrs started to see the good things in her. I wish you the very best. We are all different. God made us this way. If we were all the same it would be quite boring don't you think. Keep communicating and know we care.
I do want to keep communicating that is for sure. That has been my life long dream - to have someone to talk to. It is all I can think of when I'm feeling down. Yet the irony and the beauty is that today I have been feeling so normal. I have been feeling good b/c I was thinking about this message board. In fact, I was feeling so normal that some rather stressful events that happened hardly seemed to occupy my thoughts with the all-consuming power they usually have. So today I am writing without desperation and I feel normal. Thank you for this message board and thank you for listening!
I don't want to bring you into my dark world, but I felt a sting of sadness to hear that you were adopted and living with a family where you felt so different. Adoption is a beautiful thing - someone bringing love into another person's life without the draw of helping blood-relations being the driving force. But I was sad to think about a little girl (big girl, I guess in your eyes - this is my flat sense of humor) being in that situation, buried in an overcoat. My mind automatically gravitates towards the melancholy and the negative in a situation, though for you it may very well have been quite a blessing to have a family. So please don't take my melancholy word to heart if your life was blessed - though I am quite happy to have your listening ear!
I will talk tomorrow about other things - about Glee especially because I did see a short segement of that episode and I felt so embarrassed because I had not at that time admitted openly that I had the same problem. I wanted it not to be true and here I am talking about it like no body's business. Thank you I will talk more tomorrow.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 11:31 AM.
I am so glad you are able to share your feelings and bring it into the light and tell someone. I will be a friend for you and listen whenever you need to vent or share your feelings. I know how it feels to be a square hole in a round hole. I always felt like a misfit and gravitated towards mentally challenged kids at school and the elderly because I felt like I was accepted and loved. I had a wonderful mom who adopted me when I was 3 and she died when I was 12 but she gave me the unconditional love I needed and I am so grateful for that. She wanted children and was a nurse at a Children's Hospital but couldn't have any of her own. I was blessed to have her but my dad was another story. He loved my mom and wanted a son and would have adopted another child after me but said I was strong-willed and he couldn't take another child after me. He really didn't like me much I felt and yet he loved my other cousins and played with them but would ignore me a lot. I didn't understand what made him so angry with me. I think it was because I wanted attention from him but I got negative attention and he would spank me but that was it. I realize now that he just didn't feel close to me even as I got older and became a Christian. He really was angry about that. Anyway, it was the best decision for me ever. I hope we can share our stories and encourage one another. I'm so glad you are feeling better. I've learned a long time ago that I can't compare myself to others because we are all different and have different gifts. What things do you like to do? It is good to hear you have a sense of humor. Sometimes I would hide my nice shoes under my coat because I had to wear white oxfords which I hated and my mom caught me hiding my shoes. I get meloncholy too and feel for other people's sufferings and problems. I was a sad young lady but so much happier today since I accepted myself. Can't wait to hear from you.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-10-2012 at 06:03 PM.
I am so glad you are able to share your feelings and bring it into the light and tell someone. I will be a friend for you and listen whenever you need to vent or share your feelings. I know how it feels to be a square hole in a round hole. I always felt like a misfit and gravitated towards mentally challenged kids at school and the elderly because I felt like I was accepted and loved. I had a wonderful mom who adopted me when I was 3 and she died when I was 12 but she gave me the unconditional love I needed and I am so grateful for that. She wanted children and was a nurse at a Children's Hospital but couldn't have any of her own. I was blessed to have her but my dad was another story. He loved my mom and wanted a son and would have adopted another child after me but said I was strong-willed and he couldn't take another child after me. He really didn't like me much I felt and yet he loved my other cousins and played with them but would ignore me a lot. I didn't understand what made him so angry with me. I think it was because I wanted attention from him but I got negative attention and he would spank me but that was it. I realize now that he just didn't feel close to me even as I got older and became a Christian. He really was angry about that. He was a Budhist and couldn't believe I would turn to a God who took his brothers in war and my mom. Anyway, it was the best decision for me ever. I hope we can share our stories and encourage one another. I'm so glad you are feeling better. I've learned a long time ago that I can't compare myself to others because we are all different and have different gifts. What things do you like to do? It is good to hear you have a sense of humor. Sometimes I would hide my nice shoes under my coat because I had to wear white oxfords which I hated and my mom caught me hiding my shoes. I get meloncholy too and feel for other people's sufferings and problems. I was a sad young lady but so much happier today since I accepted myself. Can't wait to hear from you.
Dear Renko -
Thank you for your words. As I read them I feel so grateful, but I am realizing that I really do need professional help.
I went from happy to sad again and did not want to post.
This has nothing to do with you and I do not want you to feel bad. Honestly, I believe I am the embodiment of one those "toxic people" that wonderful people like yourself do not want your life. I just have managed to present a positive picture of myself here. You have not seen me in action in real life - how I bring pain into other people's life because I wish I was loved unconditionally when I myself am incapable of giving unconditional love to anyone, not even myself.
I read your post yesterday and because it was late and I was tired I decided I would compose a long post today. Then something small happened ("small" in normal people terms and "big" in my crazy world) and I felt hopeless and angry. I want to emphasize angry because I am filled with a lot of anger that is toxic to normal, healthy people.
Small things that remind me that people don't like me will be the main trigger.
It can be a glimpse of myself in a passing window or me hearing something I think someone said about me. When the tiny sliver of happiness comes my way gets snatched away, I get hopeless and angry.
I feel like I am pulling you into a dark world and wasting your time. These are the negative thoughts that constantly run through my mind.
When I feel bad (which is most of the time), I have a hard time clearly composing my thoughts. I have so many little complaints that I want to share that those trying to listen, cannot keep up. I had to think a long time about what I was going to write here. I had to edit out about 100 thoughts that I want to share and want advice on, but ended up, at the last minute to let you know that I am just feeling a loss of self-pride again and I think I am trapping you in this dark friendship.
Hi, I'm so glad you made the choice and effort to write to me. I know it is hard and like I said I want to be your friend and be here for you. I am very accepting and know that you have a lot of hurt inside of you. I have been in the depths of depression in my past and know how it feels to not like yourself inside and out. I have had negative and dark thoughts but as I have opened myself up to the good and bad in my life, I have found hope and a future which God has promised to His children. My faith has helped me and fellowship with other people. We all struggle with things in this world. It is an imperfect world and you struggle with your self-image and feeling you belong somewhere. I get it. Please don't be afraid to put your feelings into words because that is therapy in itself and it is free. You may need to find professional help to get through these bumpy times but you can make it. I wish I could give you a hug. You can change behaviors. I am proof of this. I used to be a very sad young lady and wanted to die many times but I finally found out that I am loved unconditionally and I can help others and have purpose. I don't know how old you are but it has taken me 40+ years to finally find a good place in my life. There have never been easy places in my life but I thank God for my mom for 10 years and my Savior for the last 40 years and finding that I can make a difference in people's lives. You can too. I have a caregiver of my husband who is 25 years old than myself and she is 6'1 and feels strong and good about herself because she has the support of her mom and dad in her life. When you don't have that, it creates a hole in your life.
You are a special and unique person. I'm here for you my dear friend. I had to read a lot of positive self-help books and find some good friends to share with my deepest depressions and negative feelings. They don't go away overnight but it helps to talk about them. What makes you think people are talking about you? Are you shy? Do you smile at people and say hello? Do you have any friends you can share with besides me? I'm here for you.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-10-2012 at 06:07 PM.
I hope you know there are people who do care about you and want to help you. I'm not sure how you feel so judged by people. Did your parents judge you or your siblings?You never had a good friend to talk to? There are so many people in this world who are different and can give you inspiration.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-10-2012 at 06:16 PM.
Dear Renko -
You are a strong person, there is no doubt about it. You are in the present in this place of peace and generosity and it must be a delight after the years - no- decades of struggling. You thank God for the 10 years of a loving mom, when a person like me would curse fate for taking her away. So depression had a hold on you too? And thoughts of death. I wonder if these miserable feelings are a cruel joke on good people. Or are they meant by fate to be the only way for some of us to feel deeply or if it is punishment for wrongs of a past life. I have lately quite frankly started telling myself that I must have done something horrible to some poor creature in my past life and now no matter what I do, how good I try to be, misery keeps me company constantly. I am sorry that you reached this dark place in earlier times. I am glad that you are here now, safe and sound and living a peaceful life, as everyone deserves to live.
It makes me sad to think about you not getting the love and attention you deserved as a kid, especially from your dad and not having your mom. It must have been pretty bad. I felt all alone too, but at the time, you just live through it. Now that I am older (I am in my late 30's now), I feel great pain sometimes thinking about how I survived through such loneliness as a kid. I am glad you are here now, far from that misery.
I want to share my lonely childhood because I would enjoy it if someone would sympathize with me and say "yes, that was sad" - I hope you feel better...but it is a place that I have pretty much tried to and have somewhat successfully erased from my mind. Going back there makes me feel very sorry for myself. When I think of all the terrible things that abusive parents do to their kids - including beating the hell out of them and even killing the little helpless beings who only want to be cared for, I feel so hateful toward people in general. It helps me to put my sad childhood in perspective. I really should be happy to have had a roof over my head, food to eat, a school to go to, siblings to play with, and two parents who did not beat me to a pulp. That is a lot to be grateful for.
These things stuck in my head (I was a very sensitive and impressionable child) and made me feel like I was a burden on her - someone that she resented caring for. In my estimation, she loved my other siblings from a genuine natural place, but with me I felt like I was a burden. (Some hurtful things she said were that she felt I was a bad influence on the family - I was only 10! and that she wished she had strangled me when I was a baby, when she had the chance ). She probably did not really mean these things, as she didn't realize that I would take it so literally, but as a young person, I took all these little things to heart and felt like a miserable little creature with no where to go, but stay there and wait to see what happened next.
I want to tell you more about myself and answer your questions but I will be back later this week to talk some more. Thank you for being so patient - I am sure you have helped many many people and if we don't say thank you, it is because we don't realize the gift.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 11:38 AM.
I thank you for letting me know you and trusting me with your life experiences. I think when a child that is very sensitive and trusting as most children are, that when a parent who they look up to and try to model say hurtful things to us some children don't remember it, dismiss it, let it go and others like you and me absorb it because we are sensitive and try to please others and it is like an arrow in our heart and soul. I'm so sorry your mom said those things to you.
You are a very special person and need to know that within yourself. Have a good day. I'm praying for you.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 11:39 AM.
I also wanted you to know that some people like myself have chemical imbalances in their brain and anti-depressants can help and bring up the serotonin that may cause depression and a downward spiral in one's life. It has really helped me to keep myself more balanced. We all need help with mental and emotional and physical needs we may have. I've had cancer twice and have survived it. That word is very scary to people but if you detect it early it can be taken care of. I wouldn't wish chemotherapy on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I have learned to forgive those who have hurt me knowingly or unknowingly and had to forgive my dad for hurting and rejecting me whether he acknowledged it or not. Have you forgiven your mom or writen a letter to her and maybe not mailed it but got all your hurt down on paper? I went to a retreat where I forgave my dad and put it on the a wooden cross and took it off and threw the paper into a fire. It really helped me and I learned to love him. As you know, I love to write. I'll wait to hear from you.
Becoming a Christian has been a great life-changing and maybe life-saving event in your life and I am glad that you have found answers in the teaching of Jesus. People like us really do find comfort in anyone with a loving-message and I am sure any unfaltering, consistenly loving teachers will do.
I find myself always disappointed in people.
I am glad that you have peace in Christianity. I do like the idea of reading inspirational books and will read the book by Nick that you mentioned.
I may not be online until later this week, so I will talk later.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-10-2012 at 06:18 PM.
I'm so glad you wrote again. I was afraid that my sharing might make you uncomfortable and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. No, I'm not a recruiter but just a person who has gone through a lot of emotional and mental things and just want to encourage others. I love to write and share with others hope and encouragement. I'm glad you like to read inspirational books. They have really helped me to stop thinking about myself so much and reaching out to others who don't have anyone or need encouragment or a hug. Yes, people will disappoint us and we have to realize people are not perfect and some do try to show the love of Christ. I pick up a woman at the nursing home each Sunday for church and I visit the people in the Alzheimer unit and give them a hug or feed them. Some of them are dropped off and forgotten by their family. I just want them to know I care and love them. I don't have any agenda in my writing to you. I just want to get to know you and allow you to trust me through this forum if you feel comfortable. I haven't heard what your hobbies are, what you like, what you do for work, etc. You don't have to share if you don't feel like it. I understand. There are no strings attached to our friendship. Have a great day! Look forward to our next correspondence.
Dear Renko -
My last post is a glimpse into how my mind operates.
You have shared so much with me, and have been generous in your advice and listening. You shared so much that is so personal with a stranger out of a need to help -- and I was thinking that perhaps you were trying to recruit me. I am not a trusting person and this has been a major barrier in all of my relationships.
You are quite a strong person. My troubles in life have been very vague and intangible - not feeling loved, not trusting people, not getting along well with people, taking mean words to heart - not belonging, etc... while yours have in addition included many heart-breaking and substantial hardships. Losing your mom, cancer, inability to care for your children - and here you are. Bravo to the universe for people like you.
Just recently, one of my coworkers gave me a hug out of no where and I felt for those 5 seconds the feeling of energy and being alive take over.
I felt peace for the rest of the day and like I was bonafide human (how delightful to feel this way. How amazing everyday people have it!) I don't think I have been hugged more than 2 or 3 times in my life and so thank you for giving those patients a hug. Thank you for not forgetting them. There is an unacknowledged specialness to some people that makes the world go 'round.
I have reached a scary point in my life where they things I enjoy doing are quite few. So it is hard to talk about hobbies. There is this strange - rather physical feeling in my heart (I don't know if I have some sort of heart condition - I may be hypochondrite, for all I know). This feeling is what I imagine dying is like - when you begin to wrap things up, pack up your life and get ready to call it in. It is like you are fighting to die rather than to live, and begin to genuinely believe breathing, eating and going about trying to make money, feeding your self, getting dressed and going out cannot bring you and pleasure. I somehow believe that no one is really happy to see me alive. It is a strange feeling - so contradictory to what we as breathing, life-filled human being should feel - I agree with you that it may be some sort of chemical imbalance or something because it is a physical feeling in my heart. And it is damn scary.
I used to love going out for extremely long walks (8 hours at time!). I had self-pride and felt like a special creature going out exploring, seeing happy people along the way - beauty of what God put on this earth. I have worked in the non-profit field for most of my life and love the idea of helping people - it made me feel good about myself. I somehow can't enjoy anything unless I have some basic level of pride in myself.
Now I just think people don't want me around. I end up taking the small percentage of negative things that has happened to me dictate my life direction and what I enjoy doing. Like I mentioned before, people call me names on a regular basis. I have had someone say "what the hell are you smiling about" when I went out smiling. I have had a group of men follow me (I thought perhaps one of them was interested in me - which gave me delight) only to hear them say, "She must be man - she is so disgusting", I have had people spit on me as I am walking. I have had a scary teenager follow me saying "we don't want you here." Over 35+ years, these things are a small percentage I suppose but I don' know....these things remain of my mind.
I truth is - I feel like a just look like a creep. And people just have a natural instinct - like when you seen a roach - to stomp down. I tried to join a spiritual organization where they have a zen-buddist philosophy of accepting EVERYONE, yet when one of the spirtual leaders mentioned that there are some people in life who have a toxic sulfur aura about them -"you can smell them coming" I felt oh my god, he is talking about people like me.
Oh it feels good to get this all out. I guess I like writing like you do. I will stop writing now, as I am going on and on about how sad my life is. Just seeing this long, self-indulgent letter is enough to excercise some prickly demons. I am glad you are listening. I already feel better. Sorry about the self-indulgence, but it feels so good. I don't want to bring you down with me - people like me love talking about ourselves, when given a chance!
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 11:43 AM.
I like you unconditionally and I hope you know I mean that. I feel so sad for you and I know you are depressed. I wish I could give you a hug and you could really feel that it comes from a heart that understands some of your hurt. I want you to tell me how you feel, good bad and ugly. I was ignored for many years from my dad when my mom died. I hate it when people don't look at me or ignore me and I have had a couple of young women who have ignored me in my office and it drove me nuts until I realized that I couldn't do anything for them in their career, so I stopped letting it bother me.
I ignore them now. I know, not very loving but I don't get upset with them anymore. First I asked if I had done something wrong but when they said no, then I didn't take it as personally. I can't believe people can be so mean and hateful towards you. I went to an assertiveness class and was told that if someone loses keys or blames me for something that wasn't my fault or responsibility that I shouldn't allow people to yell at me or blame me. I stood up for myself and you and I or anyone else don't ever need to be bullied by anyone. You need to set boundaries inside yourself and speak up and say I'm not going to take this anymore and take charge. I know it is easier said than done but I know you are at a point where you need to talk to a professional counselor. Is there anywhere you can go to talk to someone about how you feel. It makes me so angry inside that people treat you like this. Is this in your head that you hear people or do they really treat you like this? I try to ignore ignorant people and if there are a group of boys or people in front of me, I tend to cross the street and go around them because people who are a crowd or more likely to be a bully than by themself.
You are a very strong person to have lived this long and gone through a personal hell. I hope we can become good friends. I don't blame you for not trusting people and wondering what their motives are. You have not had many people in your life to trust. You had a very traumatic home life and you need help. All you can do is think about how hurt you have been. You are not selfish you are trying to preserve the only self you have on this earth. I really think you should go to a doctor if you have insurance and get checked for any physical problems and tell them how you are feeling, preferably a female doctor. Then see if you can find a good counselor that can give you some medication for emotional and trauma.
It sounds like you are filled with anxiety and need to get to the root of your emotional turmoil. You can't do this alone. Please get help besides write to me. This is a part of your healing but you need a physical person to be with. Do you have any animals and do you live alone? I know animals love us unconditionally and you can have a rescue dog or cat and if anyone says anything negative to you, hold you head up high and say I'm special, unique and no one can bring me down. It is a choice and you won't feel it but the more you put positive and good inside your mind, the more you will believe it.
That person who hugged you as very special and wanted you to know how special you really are. I used to hug my aunts and dad and they would stiffen up or push me away. It really hurt but I kept doing it and after a while they wanted to have a hug. You can change your behavior and thoughts. I'm living proof of that.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 11:46 AM.
It is nice to hear about all the steps you have taken to build up a better life for yourself. Attending a self-confidence / or assertiveness class must have been a big step. When I was younger and thought life could only get better, I had little plans to make things better and took some risky steps. Unfortunately, some of them misfired and left me feeling quite vulnerable. I am quite happy to see that these things worked out well for you. I am glad, for example that you hold your head up high and ignore those who ignore you. As long as it is helping you, and has you headed in a positive direction, I am all for it.
I am not quite the sweetest most naive person, though my natural self has always been very caring and wanting to do good. When I see someone in an obvious position of power (adult vs. child) use that power to bring someone down, I get very angry and my hesitation with communicating seems fall by the wayside. The problem with that kind of communication is that it is driven by anger and so it is hard to take seriously. I can communicate fine in writing because I can edit myself.
I would feel uncomfortable having a pet because I would have to leave them alone in the house (what a surprise, I live alone) and I don't think that is fair to the animal. The way I see it, they could be happier with a happier person, and shouldn't get dragged into keeping me company - that's not what god put them on this earth to do - wait all day for me to come home, to give them a little attention. As you can imagine, I am also afraid I would make a terrible parent (as you once felt about yourself) and the desire to have a family is quite painful because I am afraid I would pass on my unhappiness to my child and husband.
In real life, as caring as you are, you would find me hard to like. When someone talks to me, I mentioned before that I have a hard time listening. This is because I am in the grips of anxiety when a person begins talking to me. My mind is saying ridiculous thoughts like: they are going to get a good look at your face and walk away thinking you are a man; or I bet they are embarrassed to be seen talking to you right now; or they are talking to you out of necessity or pity and wish it was over soon. These things are indeed paranoia, but they are based on the few real life events that I exaggeratedly use to determine the rest of my life. I have a hard time listening to what someone is actually saying and am instead always thinking about what negative thoughts they MAY BE thinking.
As a child, I was very strong-willed (as you were). I was a little too mature and grown-up for my own age. It was to the point where I analyzed too much and always thought about the "why" behind things. If my mom was mean, it was not unusal for me to come up with a far-flung reason that perhaps I was the result of my dad having had an affair and perhaps my mom was forced to raise me. This kind of thinking is not something you would expect from a little kid, but this is how I was and this was off-putting to my mom. 30 years later, I have become a freakish analyzer - this was an attempt to make myself immune to pain, but it is now getting in the way of everyday interactions. I analyze everything in a warped manner. I don't want to hurt your feelings but the thought has crossed my mind besides being a missionary, that perhaps you are a writer looking for a good mentally-ill person to take inspiration from...you are getting another glimpse of how I twist people's motives because I can't believe that anyone would really care for me. I am sorry. I hope you have some sane, healthy people in your life to counter balance this kind of nonsense.
That being said ...I have medical insurance and on your advice, I think I will make an appointment with my doctor and talk to her about what is bothering me. I am deathly afraid of taking medication (that's a good sign maybe - afraid of medication I think I just need someone to talk to. Perhaps she can direct me to a support group for people with depression and body-image issues.
It was a about two years ago that I went to see her with the intention of mentioning my dark thoughts to her and then I chickened out when she spoke to me like I was a normal, everyday person - I did not want her to know that I needed help. I instead asked her to perscribe me birth control pills (which I thought would help feminize me a bit) but did not tell her the real reason why.
Thanks friend for listening. I have been talking for too long - I hope you are able to follow along my crazy line of reasoning.
Last edited by Administrator; 10-04-2012 at 07:41 PM.
Hi my friend, it is good to hear from you always and getting to know you through your writings. I find it hard sometimes to put my thoughts into speech and writing is much easier forum to share feelings and thoughts. I have always been a bit shy and awkward in social gatherings but I am a good listener. I understand your feelings about having a pet home all day by him or herself. That wouldn't be fair or good unless you could afford a dog walker and someone to spend time with them during the day. I had a doberman but we found her a good home when we moved recently. She was the best dog I have ever had and her birthday was on my birthday. We got her when she was 2 years old so she was already trained. She was almost human to me. I have a husband who is home during the day and a caregiver for him so she had company but now she can run in the country and has a good owner. I hate to see my animals die so I'm glad I won't be around when that happens. I can see why you get angry when people treat children or anyone badly. You have experience with that kind of trauma. I get angry too when people are judgemental or treat others badly because of the way they look, think, act or behave. I try to be more accepting because I know how it feels to be ignored, laughed at or made fun of. People can be mean. I used to feel like you do when they would talk to me I would try to think of what I would say and didn't even hear what they were saying. Now, I try to listen to them and concentrate and if I have something worthwhile to say I will and if not, I don't. I also know how you feel about bringing others down by being sad or depressed. I was so unhappy in my marriage and when I had little children and didn't want to be blamed for bad things that might happen to them in the future. Maybe that is why I pulled out of my responsibilities to raise them. You are funny about me being a writer looking for a mentally-ill person. I have a close cousin that is mentally ill and she has been ostercized from my family and I have tried to reach out to her through writing but when she writes to me it is very confusing to read. When you write, you are very concise and I know you have a lot on your heart and mind. I used to think when I was young being adopted that I was a princess and that my family gave me up for some reason but I know how fortunate I was to have been adopted by a loving mom. I am glad you are thinking about talking to a professional and getting help. We can't live in isolation and be healthy. I hope you have a great day!
Re: Eminating Evil 
