I have been looking at descriptions of BP II on here and suddenly my moods seem to make sense. However I'm not a medical professional so I don't want to diagnose myself as if I'm an expert. I'm struggling to think of how to bring up the subject with my Dr without looking like I think I know more than him or am faking it.
Basically, on Monday I need to try and get to my GP to get help for another episode of depression. I've struggled with recurring depression since I was 14, it doesn't last a massive amount of time, about 2-3 months but it keeps coming back. I was first prescribed anti-depressants when I was 18 and had a bad bout of it that came at a really important time. However within two weeks of starting the meds I was feeling amaaazing, like I could do anything, talk to anyone, so confident and loving life. However my flatmate at the time then asked me to leave the flat because I was so erratic and overbearing and all my friends agreed with her.
After that I stopped taking the anti-depressants and decided never to go back to the Dr for depression. I know the cycle that happens now. I get really excitable, smiling all the time, making loads of jokes, going out and getting drunk and reckless with friends, spending money on stupid things and buying people I barely know presents 'just because'.
Then after roughly 3 weeks (it varies slightly) it's like something clicks in my head. I start being convinced that everyone is laughing at me behind my back, snapping at people, still have loads of energy without really sleeping but it's much more negative, I have panic attacks and just feel antsy and angry. I also can't handle noise, I speak very quietly but things like people shouting or even like the hum of the heating make me jump and get in my head and rattle around until I get so frustrated. I'm currently on beta-blockers for anxiety.
Then there's a more gradual descent into depression. Sometimes the anxiety stays, but often I just feel totally drained. Nothing seems worthwhile, I feel like I'm inside a bubble and moving/talking is just too much effort. I want to be dead, I don't particularly want to kill myself but I really don't want to be alive and sometimes the pain/effort of committing suicide seems totally worth it, especially when I feel like no one would miss me. Weirdly for depression, I find myself sleeping and eating more. I can get 12 hours sleep and still just not want to get up and feel absolutely exhausted.
I don't know if this perfectly fits the profile for BP II but it's really affecting my life, both social and professional. I can't keep taking time off to go and cry and my friends can't handle my ups and downs. If I went to a Dr and said this, would it be likely that he'd diagnose me or just say it's the ups and downs of life? I've been to the Dr quite a lot recently for physical things, I don't want to go if nothing will be done about this because I'm worried they'll start to think I'm just a hypochondriac or making stuff up. My dad is the same as me, he's been on lots of meds for depression but he never ever talks about his ups to the dr because he's terrified of a BP diagnosis. I just want to be helped though, I want to just live my life without me or people around me worrying about my moods.
Sorry for the mega long post. I just had to get this out.