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Old 11-16-2012, 08:47 AM   #1
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I'm so confused please help me out!

We've known each other by Facebook. Since then we have been extremely in love with each other and this has led to a lot of jealousy problems. I didn't like it when he talked to other girls thus i told him to cancel his account on Facebook, which he did. He is also very possessive and jealous therefore in the long run he didn't even like it when i watched TV. I also didn't like it when he watched it so we decided to not watch it. All these jealousy problems arose after 2 years we had been together.
Well to make it short after 2 years, we banned each other from watching TV, listening to music, talking to other guys or girls (for him it was girls and vice versa), and going out with friends to party etc. To make it clearer i am 18 years old and he is 22 years old. It's been 3 and half years since we are together. As i'm in high school i didn't want to mix studies and fun life together so i've met him only once. It's a different kind of relationship because he loved me even though he hadn't seen me. After 1 year i sent him my photograph. Then after 2 years i met him for the first time. He really loves me i'm sure about that. We talk from morning till we go to sleep and we are very close to each other.
Some months back i found out that he had an account on twitter and he was regularly surfing the internet without telling me about it. I was about to break up with him but after 1 week i forgave him and decided to give our relationship another try. He promised me that he won't hide anything from me so i gave him another chance. Then 2 weeks ago i found out that he had gone to a wedding even though i told him to not attend it. Then i told him to confess everything he did behind my back he then told me that he used to watch movies everyday and that he liked it. I again forgave him because i can't imagine my life without him i love him so much. He is my first love i don't want to give up on him i know we can be so good together. We even decided to get married. He is the one.
Today by mistake he sent me an sms supposed to be for another girl. There was a dinner with the university friends and the lecturers. I told him to confess then he told me that he has a lot of female friends from university (he graduated some weeks back) and that he used to go out with them without letting me know about it. On top of that some hours before he sent me that sms he told me that he was going to sleep!
I asked him why he did that then he said that he's scared to tell me that he wants to go out with his friends but he knew that i wouldn't like it.
We talked on the phone an hour ago and he promised me that he will never again hide anything from me and that he will stop doing all these things.
He is a very nice guy. He never even shouted at me or hurt me on purpose. He only went to restaurants with his friends and i know he didn't cheat on me.
He doesn't smoke or get drunk and he respects his parents a lot. He is also very religious and he is vegetarian because of his religion.
He told me he needs some distractions. I know i should meet him more often but my exams will be over in a week. It's my final year of high school so it's very important to me. I need to get good grades to go to the university.
He promised me that he will never do these things again. And since he told me that he used to watch TV i know he has completely stopped watching it.
Should i give him another chance? I'm very pretty i get a lot of guys but it's him that i need. I get depressed when i think of everything he has done. I always make compromise in our relationship. Why is it always us women who have to make efforts and bear all the pain? Why do they have to lie to us? Should i trust him again? I'll have to work very hard again to be able to trust him. And yes another thing, I never did anything that he didn't like. I didn't talk to other guys or go out without letting him know. It's unfair that he did all these things to me.

Last edited by Kat94; 11-18-2012 at 01:24 AM.

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:22 AM   #2
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Re: He lied to me several times. I'm so confused please help me out!

This relationship is seriously strange. All this banning each other from normal life activities and contacts with other people shows real immaturity or worse. For pete's sake, get a grip! It is not natural to give up one's whole life to be in a relationship. The things he has done are NORMAL parts of life, and you both need to pull back from this unhealthy obsessiveness. Throw out all the bans and rules, you cannot build a relationship like this. If you need to hogtie him like this the relationship is not worth having. Sera

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 12:00 PM   #3
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Re: He lied to me several times. I'm so confused please help me out!

Then is it okay if he goes out with girls? I know all of these problems arose because of the restrictions but i get hurt when he looks at other girls. I'm willing to change. Do you have any advice on how to be able to trust him again? Do you think it's bad what he did or am i overreacting?

 
Old 11-16-2012, 12:13 PM   #4
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Re: I'm so confused please help me out!

Going to a function where there are girls attending is not the same as "going out with girls". Half the world's population is female and he is going to be interacting and spending time (work, studies, etc) with females all the time. Any social life will involve the opposite sex. He should not have lied, of course, but there is no way he or you can live under the rules you have laid down. It is causing totally unnecessary guilt and suspicion. When you leave high school, you will also be unable to avoid all contact with males, and the same situation will arise where you feel that you are breaking the rules and being under suspicion. Have a good session of working with him on a more adult way of being and accept in each other that you have other parts of your lives to live. What's the story about no TV anyway? That sounds a bit weird. Sera

 
Old 11-16-2012, 12:34 PM   #5
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Re: I'm so confused please help me out!

He confessed that he regularly went out with a group of university friends which included girls too. I'm only sad that he didn't think it was necessary for me to know about it. He told me he didn't want to make me angry. What he doesn't understand is that i'm not a baby for God's sake! I don't need that he tells me lies so as to not hurt me.
Thank you for your advice it helped me a lot. I'm forgiving him. I know that i will have to talk with guys and i understand why he did all these things but he should have told me about it.
I don't like it when he watch TV because i get hurt when he looks at other girls. I start to think that he might like them more than me or compare them to me. He is a guy and even though he will say that he didn't find them attractive i know that he still will and that bothers me. It's just because i love him too much i want to be the best for him. He constantly reminds me about how lucky he is to have me but i still get that feeling of insecurity. That's why i told him to not watch it and he promised me that he won't do it. But i let him watch football etc.

 
Old 11-16-2012, 12:47 PM   #6
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Re: I'm so confused please help me out!

If you don't change your behavior now at your age, you will never have a normal relationship when you become an adult. Add that to the fact that this isn't even a real relationship, it's an online pen pal situation that has turned into some kind of weird obsessive control thing. It's completely unhealthy and not normal at all. For anyone to attempt to control another person in this way isn't a relationship, it's a prison and neither one of you sounds emotionally healthy enough to handle being in a normal healthy relationship right now.

Your best option for you to have any hope of a normal relationship in the future is to work very hard on your insecurity problems. Majority of women have varying degrees of insecurity about themselves but your problem is off the charts. To demand that he never watches tv or goes to the movies or has any contact whatsoever with anyone who is female is completely unrealistic and inappropriate. I strongly suggest that you find yourself a counselor and work on improving your self esteem to the point where you will not treat people this way. Otherwise you will find yourself very lonely because very few guys will put up with that kind of thing for any long term situation.

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 12:47 PM   #7
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Re: I'm so confused please help me out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat94 View Post
I don't like it when he watch TV because i get hurt when he looks at other girls. I start to think that he might like them more than me or compare them to me. He is a guy and even though he will say that he didn't find them attractive i know that he still will and that bothers me. It's just because i love him too much i want to be the best for him. He constantly reminds me about how lucky he is to have me but i still get that feeling of insecurity. That's why i told him to not watch it and he promised me that he won't do it. But i let him watch football etc.
You need to get over this. I can see you feeling this way with nude models or centrefolds, but banning TV because he MIGHT see an attractive female is a bit extreme. You are his real live girlfriend, and an image of some random females is not going to affect that. Men all over the world watch TV without lusting after the women who may be on it. He will see women walking down the street - will you ban him from leaving his house? Looking at billboards? Reading the newspapers? It is not even a trust issue, it is an insecurity issue and it belongs to you. You need to deal with it at your end, you cannot force someone to live his life pandering to your insecurity. The same goes from his side. Hopefully, when your relationship stops being long-distance, you will both relax more. Sera

 
Old 11-18-2012, 12:53 AM   #8
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Re: I'm so confused please help me out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
If you don't change your behavior now at your age, you will never have a normal relationship when you become an adult. Add that to the fact that this isn't even a real relationship, it's an online pen pal situation that has turned into some kind of weird obsessive control thing. It's completely unhealthy and not normal at all. For anyone to attempt to control another person in this way isn't a relationship, it's a prison and neither one of you sounds emotionally healthy enough to handle being in a normal healthy relationship right now.

Your best option for you to have any hope of a normal relationship in the future is to work very hard on your insecurity problems. Majority of women have varying degrees of insecurity about themselves but your problem is off the charts. To demand that he never watches tv or goes to the movies or has any contact whatsoever with anyone who is female is completely unrealistic and inappropriate. I strongly suggest that you find yourself a counselor and work on improving your self esteem to the point where you will not treat people this way. Otherwise you will find yourself very lonely because very few guys will put up with that kind of thing for any long term situation.
Yes i will. I know this insecurity is because i met him only once. I'll do my best to meet him often and i'll work on my insecurity problems.

 
Old 11-18-2012, 01:15 AM   #9
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Re: I'm so confused please help me out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
You need to get over this. I can see you feeling this way with nude models or centrefolds, but banning TV because he MIGHT see an attractive female is a bit extreme. You are his real live girlfriend, and an image of some random females is not going to affect that. Men all over the world watch TV without lusting after the women who may be on it. He will see women walking down the street - will you ban him from leaving his house? Looking at billboards? Reading the newspapers? It is not even a trust issue, it is an insecurity issue and it belongs to you. You need to deal with it at your end, you cannot force someone to live his life pandering to your insecurity. The same goes from his side. Hopefully, when your relationship stops being long-distance, you will both relax more. Sera
I think i'll stop being a bad girlfriend. He wants to do all of these things and i can't forbid him from doing it only because he loves me. You helped me to see things in a different way. Thank you very much. Right now i can't let him watch tv because of the trust issues but when i'm able to trust him i will let him watch it. For now i won't forbid him from going out with his friends but i will request that he introduce me to them. And another thing, even though i'm letting him do all these things i don't think he will let me talk to other guys. Yesterday i asked him if i can create an account on Facebook to keep in touch with my high school friends as school is over but he didn't like it. I don't think it's fair that i let him do whatever he wants but i should restrict myself from doing these things. That's why sometimes i forbid him from doing it too. As you see our relationship is somewhat complicated. We just want to be together and spending time only with each other. It's because we've always longed to see each other and so on. You know how hard it is to keep a long distance relationship. Hopefully next year it won't be the same. Thanks a lot! Wish you all the best in life.

 
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