Well I am a 21 year old girl and for as long as I can remember I have had issues with my family, friends and most of all, myself.
Growing up as a teen at home I battled with my parents every day. More often than not I would sit alone in my room and cry myself to sleep. I self harmed when I was 12/13 but that was apparently 'just for attention'. Obviously.
I moved away from home at 18 and have hardly spoken to any of my family back home since then.
At 18-20 I went through a period of hypersexuality and from what i have gathered, mania. I would get drunk a lot or go out and sleep with a lot of random men and got myself into a lot of debt that I'm still struggling with. As crazy as it sounds I felt great. I was hip-hop and salsa dancing (used to be a hobby) for 6/8 hours a day. I lost a lot of weight, didnt sleep much at all and was hyperactive all the time. I was known for being a party girl but I didn't think or care about the consequences.
But that all changed. I fell pregnant and caught an STD to a guy I hardly knew and I knew I had to have an abortion. I was (and still am) totally broke and living alone. I hated doing it and if I had the means and money I would have kept it and loved that baby more than any person has ever loved anyone... The abortion was horrible and I went through it totally alone as I didn't want to to tell my parents until after as they were going on holiday. After that I changed. I withdrew from everyone into this person I am today.
I don't dance as it feels wrong to me, I hardly go out, I spend a lot of my time crying or feeling so low and unhappy with myself. I've started smoking weed just to try and forget about everything I'm feeling as it hurts and confuses me too much.
I have an on/off boyfriend who is at his wits end as he never knows which side of me he is going to get. I get into a rage at the smallest things he does and I obsess about them and push him away.the other night we got into a big fight and on a whim I got very drunk and went out and brought a random guy back to my house. I regret it totally and can't tell my on/off guy as it would crush him. We weren't together at the time but were trying so hard to make this work yet I am up and down (right now mainly down) like a Yoyo.
I've tried occupying myself but nothing interests me for longer than 5 minutes.
I'm sat here crying to myself and my heart is racing and I've no idea what to do.
After a frantic phone call to my mum a few weeks ago where i freaked out and got into a depressed state and couldn't stop crying about the state of my life/relationship she told me to seek help.
But apart from that she doesn't care. My dad hasn't spoken to me for 10 months as I had sex with a guy he knows after his birthday night out
I am not this girl. I pity girls who do things like that so why am I doing it?
I'm 21 years old with no idea who I am or what to do. I feel so worthless. I just want to be happy again. I don't know if it is a serious problem or if I'm just a selfish, moody girl but could someone please give me some advice?
I'm so lost.
I try to sleep through it but right now my heart is racing and I feel so low.
This time last year I was so incredibly high. What is this?