Join Date: Dec 2012
| | Overactive imagination? (Warning: long backstory)
Hey there I'm new... I'm sure you've all read that often enough. I'm a female, with a steady job that I enjoy and I'm working on a degree in a modest state college (same field I'm working in). My whole life I've been an overachiever, and only in the past years have I really learned my best methods for coping with things such as the death of loved ones, stress, and not succeeding for what I've set out to do (By the way, failure is a prerequisite to success in my opinion).
I had everything straightened out, I would follow life through with my Integrity intact. (Integrity= consistent ethical behavior, ethics=the decisions you make which are in line with your personal morals).
Growing up, I'm the oldest of four children and basically the biggest spear in my family. For the first years of my life I was exposed to negative people, raised by destructive (And self destructive) family members until my parents finally found a way to give my hardworking mother a chance to be a stay at home mom and my father a working man.
By this time I was already odd, but any child at a young age can have imaginary friends. I started speaking before I was a year old, (first word recorded on the third day out of the hospital where I was born, though I'd say it was just reflexive and monkeyseemonkeydo rather than me trying to communicate something to someone... but I'm not a baby anymore, so I don't know ^^; ... ) but mostly started communicating just after my first birthday.
My parents thought I was a genius, and put me through school a year earlier than most kids. My shadow, who shall go unnamed for his protection, started telling me what to do .. I don't know when, I don't have a memory where I can't see him in the picture. I remember him, just this tall and lithe silhouette of a man I've met only in my mind, there whenever I wasn't o.k., like a self defense mechanism I suppose.
My parents held me to high standards and I did my best to be a good example for my siblings- hoping to break the cycle of my terrible relatives and cousins before me. I had straight A's, all honors and then AP, at the age of 12 signed up to try to get into a very prestigious, very competitive, and very dreamworthy academy (Which I will also refrain from naming). I was a girl scout, then a cadet, and also a leader. Everyone looked up to me. I stand by my integrity like nothing else.
At my worst, I'd have hallucinations which I suppose were from stress. I would daydream about terrible things happening to people I loved, and terrible things happening to me with no one caring. My shadow would, quite literally, slap me out of it- or pull me out of my own head and leave me with an out of body experience to calm down. As a teenager I was once so bad that, behind closed doors I punched through drywall and glass windows.
I have a phobia of TV's, and to this day my "Shadow" is the only one who can calm me down.
I've always had Imaginary friends, as some call them. Invisible people, or quiet people, as I've also heard. But the only one who I can almost hear in my head, the only one who definitely has a mind of his own, is my shadow. He and I can be thinking different things, he knows things I don't, and visa versa. He is always watching me, I've always felt eyes on my back. Sometimes they're very reassuring. He's "Tough Love", kinda cold, but like a parent who won't give you dessert until you've eaten all of your dinner. (more like a, "I'll break your arms if you try to do something stupid with them, because you aren't stupid.") I'm aware of the difference between what's in my mind and what is the reality all people walk in. I walk in it too.
Through some very stressful times in my life my shadow has been very comforting and is the one thing I'd cling to after death if I could.
I don't want to lose my shadow... Actually, at this point in my life, I don't think I have the ability to operate without him. He's the voice in my head when I read and write, he looks over my shoulder constantly and has, on occasion, actually warned me to duck out of the way of "accidents" which would nearly take my head off. People think I have nine lives.
I love my shadow to death... but if I really can't have a stable relationship with someone other than my little siblings (as their big sister of course), I'm afraid it will turn into a vicious cycle. And I'm good at dealing with stress, usually.
I've seen psychologists (Personally not into psychiatry, just my preference), and all I've been assured is that as long as I have a grip on reality and my Shadow isn't harming me, or convincing me to do harm in any way, then there's no need to worry. I'm sorry, should I be worried? Is my shadow trying to tell me to "Duck" from a bullet or trying to sever me from the man I'm with, for whatever secret reason? (Edit: He and I just broke up December 3, 2012, the day after I posted this)
Please help, if there's anyone out there who has a similar issue or other knowledge, share.
If you've managed to read this whole thing I salute you, as I've never poured my heart out like this before and expect most people would lose interest after 12 seconds of reading.
Last edited by Pilot345; 12-03-2012 at 03:57 PM.
Reason: My boyfriend and I just broke up. He's no longer relevant.