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Old 12-08-2012, 05:51 AM   #1
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MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

Hi everyone. I am a 23 year old who struggles with depression, anxiety, and OCD. I also had an eating disorder and still struggle with that a bit. I have always had mood problems since I've been little. I've just considered myself "moody" or "irritable". I tend to be a pessmistic person. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Moderate, Recurrent. For the most part, I do experience bouts of depression along with anxiety, especially related to my OCD. However, in the last year, I have worried at times that I may be Bipolar. I go through these cycles of severe indecision and emotional instability. I am in a relationship of 2 years. I love my boyfriend and for the most part we get along great but once in a while, if we disagree on something or have a fight, it sparks this severe indecision in me. I will worrying all day long for days and weeks, "How do I know I am supposed to be with him for the rest of my life", "What if there is someone else out there", "Am I really happy", etc. I analyze every little thing to the point of no longer experiencing happiness in our relationship and almost becoming numb to my true emotions and feelings because of such deep analysis. Up to this point, we (myself, boyfriend, therapist) have said this is due to OCD, possibly relationship ocd. However, I tend to analyze myself more (I majored in psych) and worry that I am bipolar. I just feel like I go back and forth, up and down too much. As far as Bipolar symptoms, I don't have sleep problems. I sleep very well and always have. I don't do anything impulsive and my moods never go so high that my personality changes. If I have a good day, I don't feel as tired, I feel more motivated to do things, and a bit more goal-oriented. I also noticed I get the urge to go shopping when i am in a good mood. I don't impulsively shop or in excess but it is something I like to do. Then, on my bad days, I tend to be tired, lethargic, emotionally sensitive, indecisive, irritable, and much less goal-oriented. When I get really down, I am hopeless about everything. I worry a lot more too about everything and nothing makes me happy. I just feel like a zombie going through the motions of life. To sum up, my severe indecision in my relationship is what worries me. I am scared of commitment for fear of making the wrong decision or it not working out. I also am afraid of change and am scared of the future, which is something unknown. So it is quite clear that my fears and anxieties are most definitely related to OCD and GAD. But, I still worry I am Bipolar, like with hypomania ir maybe Bipolar NOS. I have asked doctors before and they said no. I know it's unlikely but I guess I'm looking for reassurance from others who suffer from it. Sorry for being so long, wanted to give you a good overview. Thanks so much if you read this.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:31 AM   #2
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Re: MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

I don't think you have bipolar. If you don't get the highs then you don't have it, as that's basically what separates bipolar from depression.
Indecision is part of depression for a lot of people, and it sounds to me like it might just be a manifestation of your depressed mood and OCD. Do you take medication for either of these? Maybe you need to tweak your meds a little bit and see if that helps with what you're experiencing.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:21 PM   #3
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Re: MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

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Originally Posted by LaFin View Post
I don't think you have bipolar. If you don't get the highs then you don't have it, as that's basically what separates bipolar from depression.
Indecision is part of depression for a lot of people, and it sounds to me like it might just be a manifestation of your depressed mood and OCD. Do you take medication for either of these? Maybe you need to tweak your meds a little bit and see if that helps with what you're experiencing.
Hi there. I do take Prozac, 60mg. Does not seem like it helps much though. When I increased from 20 to 40mg and 40mg to 60, I had severe anxiety for 4-5 weeks as well as emotionally instability. Then it calmed down for a bit and seemed to help but the effects seem to fizzle out after a while. I've thought about trying Zoloft as both of my parents have been on it, I'm just so scared of changing meds and the side effects. I don't experience the manic highs, but what about hypomania? I wish someone could explain to me how they feel in a hypomanic state. I mean I guess on good days, I'm "normal?". I just get so used to being down that when I feel better, it's like WOW. I have more energy and motivation. I want to clean and organize things. I realize that sounds bipolar but it's not to an extreme. I enjoy cleaning and organizing as it pacifies my perfectionism. I would not consider it as me being so energetic and hyper that I'm working off that energy.
I also think my anxiety and OCD has a lot to do with my depression. It seems I'm either depressed and the anxiety comes after, or I have anxiety and intrusive thoughts and then I get depressed.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:29 PM   #4
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Re: MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

When I look Cyclothymia up, it sort of sounds like me in that my moods flucuate but when I read the symptoms of the hypomanic episodes, it sounds just like regular Mania. I don't have an inflated self esteem, rapid speech, or less need for sleep. I never do anything risky. I do sometimes find my mind going from one thing to another. Like when I feel better, my mind will be turning and thinking of what I want to do next and what I want to accomplish. It's not too the extreme though. My only concern is that sometimes when I get very irritable and moody, I can have temper flares. I have thrown things in the past, punched walls, and hit myself in the head. It's usually following some type of disagreement with someone or being upset with myself about something so it's not like it's out of the blue.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:06 PM   #5
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Re: MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

Quote:
Originally Posted by OlorenR07 View Post
Hi there. I do take Prozac, 60mg. Does not seem like it helps much though. When I increased from 20 to 40mg and 40mg to 60, I had severe anxiety for 4-5 weeks as well as emotionally instability. Then it calmed down for a bit and seemed to help but the effects seem to fizzle out after a while. I've thought about trying Zoloft as both of my parents have been on it, I'm just so scared of changing meds and the side effects. I don't experience the manic highs, but what about hypomania? I wish someone could explain to me how they feel in a hypomanic state. I mean I guess on good days, I'm "normal?". I just get so used to being down that when I feel better, it's like WOW. I have more energy and motivation. I want to clean and organize things. I realize that sounds bipolar but it's not to an extreme. I enjoy cleaning and organizing as it pacifies my perfectionism. I would not consider it as me being so energetic and hyper that I'm working off that energy.
I also think my anxiety and OCD has a lot to do with my depression. It seems I'm either depressed and the anxiety comes after, or I have anxiety and intrusive thoughts and then I get depressed.
Hey again. I have Schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type so I get hypomanic episodes. I'll try my best to describe mine for you so that it can maybe help you identify where you lie on the mood spectrum.

When I'm hypomanic I talk nonstop, I won't talk over other people (I do that when I'm actually manic) but I will get angry if someone talks while I feel I had the floor.
I'll move around nonstop, I'll be here, there, everywhere doing everything and nothing. I'll start something then drop it 5mins later because someone or something else has grabbed my attention.
I'll have some risky behaviours, although being hypomanic while I think of them and maybe plan on acting on them I don't always follow through on them. When I'm manic I'll follow through (I've bought things like cars or one-way plane tickets while manic).
My thoughts will be going a mile a minute, but I'll be able to somewhat sort through them. When I'm manic I'll have trouble stringing together coherent thoughts, which will sometimes make it hard for people to understand me as I'll go through two or three different topics in one single sentence.
I am completely unaware of the passage of time when hypomanic.
I'll think I'm the funniest person in the world. My personal hygiene goes down the drain. I'll become an absolute perfectionist about everything and obsess over things (my psychiatrist said she actually feels I exhibit all the symptoms of OCD while manic).

I sometimes find it difficult to tell hypomania from my mania, and I always find it difficult to tell the difference between my hypomania and a normal everyday mood. For me to be aware that I'm hypomanic someone has to tell me, and then it either clues in or I'll deny it wholeheartedly.

 
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:36 PM   #6
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Re: MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LaFin View Post
Hey again. I have Schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type so I get hypomanic episodes. I'll try my best to describe mine for you so that it can maybe help you identify where you lie on the mood spectrum.

When I'm hypomanic I talk nonstop, I won't talk over other people (I do that when I'm actually manic) but I will get angry if someone talks while I feel I had the floor.
I'll move around nonstop, I'll be here, there, everywhere doing everything and nothing. I'll start something then drop it 5mins later because someone or something else has grabbed my attention.
I'll have some risky behaviours, although being hypomanic while I think of them and maybe plan on acting on them I don't always follow through on them. When I'm manic I'll follow through (I've bought things like cars or one-way plane tickets while manic).
My thoughts will be going a mile a minute, but I'll be able to somewhat sort through them. When I'm manic I'll have trouble stringing together coherent thoughts, which will sometimes make it hard for people to understand me as I'll go through two or three different topics in one single sentence.
I am completely unaware of the passage of time when hypomanic.
I'll think I'm the funniest person in the world. My personal hygiene goes down the drain. I'll become an absolute perfectionist about everything and obsess over things (my psychiatrist said she actually feels I exhibit all the symptoms of OCD while manic).

I sometimes find it difficult to tell hypomania from my mania, and I always find it difficult to tell the difference between my hypomania and a normal everyday mood. For me to be aware that I'm hypomanic someone has to tell me, and then it either clues in or I'll deny it wholeheartedly.
Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. That does not sound like me at all. When I'm in a good mood, of course I'm more inclined to talk and be friendly but I'm never so talkative that others can't get a word in. I also am not so energized that I am moving from one thing to another. I might multi-task a little bit but I am able to focus enough to finish what I'm working on. I don't know, maybe I should just stop worrying, then things will get better. Ha! Easier said than done :-/

 
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Old 12-11-2012, 03:45 AM   #7
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Re: MDD or possible Bipolar?? Please read!

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Originally Posted by TinoRock View Post
Hello again! You know, the more I read what you have to say, the more "normal" you sound. (Isn't normal a forbidden word in the psychiatric world -- like who is truly normal?). Anyway, when I mentioned your shopping comment before, it wasn't really what you said, it was the thought process behind the comment that caught my eye. Of course it is fun to shop when you're in a good mood! Also, when one has depression, returning back to the status quo can almost feel like too much happiness and energy, but it's not neccessarily so. Based on what you've said, you remind me of a girlfriend that I've known all my life (and boy is she "hormonal" -- it's her favorite word). Technically, she could almost put her mood swing world into a bipolar framework and call herself bipolar II. Also, she would technically qualify as cyclothymic, if one were to read enough literature. Trust me, she and I sat with the Merck Manual together trying to decide if she was "diagnosis worthy". In reality, she has a depressive disorder, takes anti-depressants, and her hypomanic/manic phases are pretty far and few between. I've known her forever and she has never seen a psychiatrist, nor does she seem to really need one. Her mood swings are simply more exaggerated than the average person. Maybe that is the story with you -- more mood swings than the average person...there is nothing wrong or unusual about it, it makes you quite lucky compared to someone with bipolar. Anyway, you seem acutely aware of your symptoms, which is great in case they ever escalate. I used to have very mild episodes, occasionally, earlier on in my bipolar progression. They were completely within my control and quite enjoyable at the time. I wasn't laughing out loud, shopping, or doing anything out of control. It was a nice euphoria in my head that amused me to no end, and it included an increase of "rapidity and volume of thought". Those are two KEY words for when you are no longer just happy, but going hypomanic or manic -- rapidity and volume of thought. Anyway, I could totally control it, wan't even overly talkative, and worked a professional job and everything. It was as I aged that there was nothing at all attractive about hypomania. It became really bad news if it came up. But I don't think this is your problem. You sound very focused on what you are going through, and I seriously doubt you are ill enough to worry about it, if that makes sense. I wish you well, and try to just get out of your own head and introspection and enjoy the good health that you do have. Cheers!
Thanks again! I am seeing my psychiatrist this thursday so I'm gonna mention my concerns and see what he says. I've mentioned it before and they asked me several questions to which I responded no and they said I don't have Bipolar. I just feel so out of sorts sometimes and emotional. This past month I had a really bad time. I don't know what triggered it....I had increased my prozac from 60 to 65mg so I don't know if that small increase could trigger it or not. I started having relationship doubts, crying spells almost everyday, some mild suicidal thoughts, and just feeling so "up and down, back and forth" with my thoughts and emotions. For some reason the indecision tends to latch on to one of the emotionally charged areas of my life....my relationship. I will sit and ruminate over whether I'm happy or not, whether I am supposed to be with him, whether we are meant to be together in the future, etc. I analyze every little detail to the point of not being present when I'm with him because I'm in my head worrying. In reality, I think the problem is this: I'm afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of making a decision and it not working out in the future, I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of the unknown factors of the future, and most importantly, I don't know what it really means or feels like to be genuinely happy. I've experienced moments of it in my life, but it always seems like I'm just "blah" and that's on a good day. Grggh, I just want to be happy and content all the time. I have nothing to be sad about. I'm a smart girl with a good job, family, a few close friends, a great guy who loves me, relatively good health, etc. Yet I struggle with confidence and happiness :-(

Last edited by USmiss; 12-11-2012 at 03:47 AM. Reason: added a word

 
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