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Old 12-22-2012, 05:39 AM   #1
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Red face Self-Diagnosis Obsession

Just wondering if anyone out there analyzes themself to the point of insanity. Lately I've been worrying I have some type of Bipolar disorder. Now I've convinced myself I have some type of personality disorder, possibly Borderline Personality. I sit and read and read and read, seeing how symptoms relate to me. I guess I see how my behavior is troublesome and not healthy so I am looking for an answer as to why it's happening. I'm so concerned about myself right now. I seem to exhibit some of the borderline tendencies, though not all. I have mood swings a lot, my relationship is on the rocks. I go from being in love to completely doubting what I want and feel. I often think in black and white/all or nothing terms. I am very insecure in myself, often reading too far into things my boyfriend says and twisting it around in my head thinking it's something negative he's saying to me. I told him I wanted to take a break a week ago. He has been trying to give me space, but yet I feel neglected and sad that he has been so cold. Well, I asked for space! Lately, as well as in the past many years ago when I struggled with an eating disorder, I sometimes get urges to cut myself. It mainly comes when I am crying, very hopeless, and/or angry. I have never done it because I know it will not do anything for me. But the thoughts still come in my mind and that worries me. I have also had many anger outbursts in my life. I have thrown things, punched walls, hit myself in the head, and often say silly, irrational things that I don't mean. If I get in a fight with my boyfriend, I start acting like a child. I'll say I'm leaving and walking home to my house. I'll start walking to the door all the while knowing I'm not really leaving and just wanting him to come chase after me and beg me to stay. Now this behavior is very immature and irrational. I am a smart girl and KNOW these behaviors are not healthy, but yet I still find myself doing them. This is why i'm concerned. Do you think I'm over-analyzing or do I have reason to think I may have a personality disorder?

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 06:09 AM   #2
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Re: Self-Diagnosis Obsession

Honestly, yes I think you are overthinking things. You said you are very insecure in yourself and that's what your behaviour suggests. For example, "I'll say I'm leaving and walking home to my house. I'll start walking to the door all the while knowing I'm not really leaving and just wanting him to come chase after me and beg me to stay." this is simply insecurity, you are looking for validation, you want him to beg you to stay to prove he really loves you. I think you want others to prove that you are valued and important, because you don't really feel important or good enough. I had a relative with BPD and you know right away they are different from other people, it's hard to explain but the behaviour is really quite abnormal, and having any type of relationship with them is extremely difficult and most people simply can't deal with being around them, but they aren't even truly aware that their behaviour is out of line, and it's very much more extreme than what your descibe.

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 06:21 AM   #3
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Re: Self-Diagnosis Obsession

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Originally Posted by captjane View Post
Honestly, yes I think you are overthinking things. You said you are very insecure in yourself and that's what your behaviour suggests. For example, "I'll say I'm leaving and walking home to my house. I'll start walking to the door all the while knowing I'm not really leaving and just wanting him to come chase after me and beg me to stay." this is simply insecurity, you are looking for validation, you want him to beg you to stay to prove he really loves you. I think you want others to prove that you are valued and important, because you don't really feel important or good enough. I had a relative with BPD and you know right away they are different from other people, it's hard to explain but the behaviour is really quite abnormal, and having any type of relationship with them is extremely difficult and most people simply can't deal with being around them, but they aren't even truly aware that their behaviour is out of line, and it's very much more extreme than what your descibe.
Yes, I am very insecure. I have never had confidence in myself and I often look to outside sources for validation. :-( I'm a perfectionist so I'm never good enough. When things don't go the way I want them to or expect them to, I get upset and anxious. Thank you for your response. I agree with what you are saying, I guess I just wanted more reassurance from others.

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 06:37 AM   #4
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Re: Self-Diagnosis Obsession

perfectionism is just another way of proving you are good enough. But let me tell you, no one is perfect in who they are or what they do, but perfectionists are just trying to prove they measure up. you just have to accept yourself for who you are, you can only be you, and once you accept yourself exactly as you are, other people will too. Try to focus on your positive qualities, we all have some, and don't dwell on where you think you don't measure up, because most of us are also flawed in some way, it's just part of being human.

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:09 AM   #5
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Re: Self-Diagnosis Obsession

I know those things. People tell me that all the time. It's hard to get it through my head though, you know. I hope with time and maturation that I will be able to accept myself. I have myself all worked up over this personality disorder stuff. My heart is beating really hard and my hands are shakey. Geez, the stress I put myself through!

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 07:22 AM   #6
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Re: Self-Diagnosis Obsession

I don't think you have borderline personality disorder, in my experience someone with it does not even realise their behaviour is abnormal. Let me just give you an example, someone with this mental illness will viciously attack people over the smallest thing, even complete strangers, and not even feel any remorse over it because to them it's justified. The people around them are always apologizing for them, or trying to calm the situation down so that it doesn't get completely out of control. It's like dealing with someone who doesn't even know when they cross the line, they are completely unpredictable in what they will say or do to people, and they can illicit a really angry or violent response in others too with their behaviour. If you had this, I don't think you would even be questioning whether you have it or not

 
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Old 12-22-2012, 08:07 AM   #7
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Re: Self-Diagnosis Obsession

Quote:
Originally Posted by captjane View Post
I don't think you have borderline personality disorder, in my experience someone with it does not even realise their behaviour is abnormal. Let me just give you an example, someone with this mental illness will viciously attack people over the smallest thing, even complete strangers, and not even feel any remorse over it because to them it's justified. The people around them are always apologizing for them, or trying to calm the situation down so that it doesn't get completely out of control. It's like dealing with someone who doesn't even know when they cross the line, they are completely unpredictable in what they will say or do to people, and they can illicit a really angry or violent response in others too with their behaviour. If you had this, I don't think you would even be questioning whether you have it or not
I agree with you. My problem is I have no confidence, I'm too hard on myself, I expect everything to go perfectly in life, I worry to much, and I'm too smart for my own good. I have too much knowledge in Psychology and it backfires on me. lol

 
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