i dont have a close friend to share this with nd i appoligise its so long.
I donít really know where to begin or end this or even how to word it. No matter what i write it wonít ever express the way i feel on the whole. I suppose writing this will help me make sense of the way i feel. Donít get me wrong but there are times where i feel very happy, satisfied in fact. I appreciate everything around me, almost everything around me seems beautiful. I never want to escape this wonderful feeling its almost exquisite, delightful. I could live this feeling forever as i feel inspired, more confident, able to laugh without feeling bad for being happy. After a while i can feel this happiness being taken over and then i remind myself that i should be punished for being happy when other in society are sad. Once the happy feeling has disappeared i begin felling all those bad feelings that leave me feeling stripped. I feel lonely, scared, lost, broke, and vulnerable. No one understands me they donít even notice. I just want to hide from other people; i donít want to talk to anyone. I sometimes just want to run and run never looking back but i trapped i canít escape. I feel like running so no one can ever ever make me cry or hurt. I canít even look at myself in the mirror as i feel disgusted by whoís standing there. I just want to reach my arm out where someone can guide me out of this but then i donít deserve that i deserve to suffer like other people. People overwhelm me i just have to hide so they donít see what a week person i am. I want to scream out to people about the way i feel and get annoyed at them for not even noticing. This feeling suffocates me and makes me give up on hope. I lose hope for the future as i know Iím not good enough for people. Iím not good enough to have a good job. Iíll be like this forever for many years. Thatís when those thoughts of ending my life begin to excite me and give me hope that these feelings can stop. As much as i look forward to this i could never do it Iím too weak. Itís selfish, i see it on telly were parents lose a child. They crumble to the floor like their soul has been taken. I could never inflict this much pain on someone no matter how much they hurt me and made me cry. It kills me so much inside to feel this trapped and guilty. It makes me hate myself so much more. At least there are times when i forget about this. I begin thinking how everyone and everything becomes so unfamiliar. Like Iíve never been there before my own hand, face name sounds and look strange. When i hear people i donít understand what theyíre saying, i see things happening but itís like i donít register it. Iím scared to reach out to people in case they vanish. I canít even taste the food that i know Iím eating. It feels like Iím in someone elseís body. This body changes my sense, says things that arenít me, does things that i donít feel myself doing. I donít understand this feeling and think Iím in a nightmare. I just wish i could tell one person so that i feel visible and understood but no one will ever understand. They will see me as pathetic and people like my mum wonít believe because i always stick my fake smile to my face so how could i possibly hide sadness like this.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-08-2013 at 04:34 PM.