Hope2Heal

Hi everyone

I sadly write to tell everyone the terrible news. It helps for me to talk to others about it. My due date was Feb. 8 and I have been posting on the Feb. moms boards occaisionally and have posted other boards including questions about decreased fetal movement, gestational diabetes and other concerns.

Last week I began having severe cramping. My doctor told me to try tylenol and a hot shower, that it could be braxton hicks. I was having more than 10 contractions every half hour but that did not seem to concern anyone to have me come right in. However the tylenol seemed to help and i slept the whole day. Later i had mild cramps which turned into severe cramps again by middle of night. When i woke up I was having bleeding of the brownish color. They told me to come right in. Throughout the whole cramping episode, the baby was extremely active. However the morning of the bleeding, I did not feel him at all. They began monitoring me at the hospital with a Non stress test and contraction test. it appeared after 3 hours of testing that the baby was not moving and heartbeat, while still in normal range, was taking irregular dips. They performed an emergency C-section that my husband was unable to attend. They put me out with general anesthesia. When I came to, I was in extreme pain and was asking for my baby. The doctor told me "He didn't make it. He never took a breath."

That was the most devastating moment of my life. Of course I asked why and are you sure and all of that. They let me hold him. He was perfect, over 5 pounds with all his body parts intact. They said they tried every means to revive him for over an hour but he never breathed on his own or with artificial means.

I cannot tell you how heartbroken my husband I am. This is our first child and it took us years to conceive him. Other than the diabetes, and some swelling, I never had major complications. Of course I am blaming myself and the doctors that I should have been more carefully monitored due to the diabetes and the fact that I was having periods of decreased fetal movement starting about 4-6 weeks ago. But he would always start moving again so I didn't think it was a problem. I am being told not to blame myself but it is difficult not to.

WE named him Patrick and I did get to hold him 3 times. It was so difficult to look at his dead little body and see all my hopes and dreams die with him. I have been home since the weekend and it has been over a week since his death. I made him a memorial in his room with photographs the hospital took, hand and footprints, hair snippings, flowers, stuffed animals, etc. I cry everyday and my heart hurts terribly.

Has anyone gone through something like this? If so I would love to hear from you as to how you got through it.

Also, I would like to warn pregnant moms, if you ever have ANY question about fetal movement, or feel something is not right, please demand to get yourself monitored immedietly. You may feel stupid if it is nothing, but nohting compares to the feeling of you could of done more in the end. Decreased fetal movement is a sign of fetal distress. Please take good care of yourselves moms and I wish you all the best for beautiful healthy babies.

Hope2heal

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H2H