Lost my baby. . . stillbirth - Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Hope2Heal · 01-24-2005, 12:26 AM

Hi everyone

I have posted on the pregnancy board Under: My baby died: due in feb.
if anyone wants to read the story. I also posted under death and dying board. I obviously am looking for some support, especially from those who have gone through the same thing. I lost my first born child 13 days ago, very unexpectedly and am deeply grieving. His name is Patrick and I feel I cannot go on at times. I would like to hear from others who have been through this and survived to tell about it.

Hope2heal

NancyH · 01-24-2005, 05:35 PM

I lost my first born daughter an hour after her birth, that was many years ago and I can feel the pain as fresh today as it was then, so yes you will hurt, you will miss seeing this child grow up and you will always have a place in your heart that is special for him only and YOU WILL GO ON! It is not easy but you will be able to do this as time goes by. My daughter was named Amy! Oh, and I went on to have 2 more beautiful daughters later on and they know of their sister Amy. Hang in there, its rough in the beginning and back in the late 60's when I lost Amy the first words out anyones mouth was "have another baby right away it will help you forget" Hope you NEVER hear that, no other baby will replace the one you lost but someday you will have another baby when you are ready.

Hope2Heal · 01-25-2005, 06:05 PM

HI and thanks for the replies.

I appreciate NancyH taking the time to share your story. I know I will never forget him. Of course I do want to try for another child, but it seems like so much painful time will have to pass until I get to that point. I wish it could be right away. The problem is, I had trouble conceiving and it took about 2 years. I used to post on the infertility board. However we did get pregnant with no medical intervention. It was such an amazing time of my life, being pregnant. Now my past present and as it feels now, future is gone. It does help to hear that others have gotten through it.

aaronon · 01-26-2005, 02:27 PM

Dear Hope,

Time is a helpful tool, in that you will always feel the pain of his passing. It will become ......more tolerable as time goes by. I lost my son, 11 years ago, this past Xmas. He was born October 19, 2003, and died December 21, 2003, we buried him on Christmas Eve. I will never get over his death....he was a special child, very healthy. Only with time, have I been able to tolerate it. It's still very raw, just like the day that it happened in my heart, as it is in every member of our family.

Get all the support you can, find support groups, boards, etc. Every one has great advice, take it all with a grain of salt, including mine, and do what's right for you. Talk about him everytime you think about it with members of your family. He was to be a big part of their life as well as yours. We have a small celebration every year on his birthday and we purchased an angel candle that we burn every year at Christmas.

Good luck, take care.

aaronon

Angel77 · 02-04-2005, 11:09 PM

Hi Hope 2 Heal...I haven't lost a child, thank God, but I have burried more than 50 people in my 27 years and know a bit about grief. It's awful and the only thing worse than death itself, is out living your child. It just shouldn't happen...but unfortunately it does.

Please, take the time while the grief is 'fresh' and journal every memory you have of him, you hopes, wishes, dreams, etc. because time has a way of fading your memories to hide the pain...but what joy there was tends to go with it. Right now it will feel like you're ripping your heart out, over and over again....but as the tears flow, the heart heals. Regardless of what those in your life may tell you...move on...at least you didn't get attatched (yes, this is said to many!!! YUCK! Just plain wrong!)...he's in a better place, whatever it is, it was meant to help heal, but often just pokes holes in your heart....

Tell them, I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but at this time, it only causes me more grief. I will never forget him, I never should have to! It's as if you are better off not acknowledging he ever lived, or was....he did, he is and always will be in your heart, just as it should be. You have the right to grieve in your own way and own time and those try to 'speed up' the process will not only prolong it, they'll send it deeper into your heart, where there's little chance of recovering....just hiding....and we all know that doesn't make for a happy spirit.

May I suggest, find something that means a lot to you and turn it into a good bye. Maybe, let some butterflies go on the mountain side, release a dove, sends balloons with messages to him in heaven, maybe even if you were able to save a lock of his hair, or something he wore, make a shadow box w/ memories of him and a poem or something and you can either display it proudly (or more so once you've healed a bit more), tuck it away in a cedar chest, whatever...listen to your heart, it will tell you.

If you want a poem, I'd be happy to write one for you. Just give me a little information and I'll post it on this board. Just some of the birth stats (weight, length etc.) and maybe some of the feelings you're struggling with the most and I'll do my best to put something together for you.

My heart goes out to you and I wish there was something I could do, but you're doing what you can with what you have and that's about all you can do. I'm glad you reached out for support....because so many don't or even worse, they do and are shut down....keep fighting and you'll walk in the sun again....doesn't mean it never rains, but soon it will quit flooding. Always does, but the flood fades faster if you have friends sand bagging for you....and I promise, there's a lot of people here that will sand bag with and for you....just give them a chance.

Hugs to you and your little angel. I pray this finds you filled with at least a little hope, but it will probably find you on your knees and still in tears....and for that I am truly sorry. You know, there will be an ironic twist down the road, when someone asks you how did you survive this...and one day you'll realize, you really did survive it! It's odd and oddly inspiring....but the God's honest truth is, that you didn't have a choice. You made it through because you had to and your heart was one thread stronger than the grief.

Also, do find some support groups locally if possible. The labor and delivery nurses can tell you where to find them. I personally found that in the first few stages it made it harder to hear the other's stories, more depressing, etc. But on-line support is there just when you need it and when you're too teary eyed to continue on, it will be there later and no one will know you had to walk away.

Take care of your heart, post as often as your heart needs and keep reaching out until something sticks and helps. If not here or in your hometown, keep looking, you'll find it. That I can promise!

Love Angel