How Do You Face People? - Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Noel's girl · 03-11-2005, 05:27 PM

I work at a small office and the two womaen that I work with just love to gossip.My brother-in-law's sister babysits one of the ladies I work with her little girl, anyway she told my sister that in turn told me that one of the girls I work with went to the babysitter's house and told her you have to keep my little girl the rest of this week because Leigh is having a D&C done at this time at this place and she will not be coming back the rest of the week. She starts telling her all of what I have been going through about the empty sac etc. And tells her I don't know why she is so upset it's not like it was an actual baby in there or anything! I had steam coming out of my ears when I heard that. I just was not raised to go around and gossip, I was raised to have respesct for people. I am not saying that no one is supposed to talk about it because I know poeple will, but just to have the nerve for someone to say something so revolting about someone else is just sickening. To my face she acts concerned but behind my back she would actually say something like that. So should I tell her out of respect for me to quit telling people things like that or should I just leave it be, I just do not want to start any drama in the office between us. Thanks for the advice.

Frynd1 · 03-13-2005, 08:57 PM

If you don't want any drama, then don't say anything. That is the only way to ensure you won't start any uncomfortable feelings. However, if you want your dignity back and to stand up for your privacy (the route I would take) then say something. She was completely out of line. She shouldn't have told anyone that you, yourself didn't tell and worst of all, she basically denied you of ever being a mother, saying there was never a baby there. How terrible. I miscarried before and I'd never stand for that.

There has always been a debate (mostly among pro-choice and anti-abortion groups) as to whether or not an unborn baby is an actual person. If you feel that you were holding a baby, then stick to your guns.

Some people don't realize that whether or not it was scientifically a functioning human being yet, we're still upset by the loss. All of our hopes and dreams go down with the loss of the baby, not just the baby itself. Everything you fantasized about is gone (not to upset you) and whether or not she thinks there was a baby there, she should still be understanding.

You can't be mad at where she stands (as far as whether or not it was actually a baby) because everyone feels differently about this, but she didn't have to speak about it on your behalf. I'd tell her to mind her own business and if she can't say anything nice, then to keep her mouth shut.

tamaraheiner · 03-14-2005, 09:11 AM

Noel,
I don't know why some people are so insensitive. I feel so bad for you for having to go through that. Ihad the same thing you did (a blighted ovum) and my husband and I were devastated. It's exactly that - the loss of all your hopes and imaginations. plus at one point there was conception, even if it didn't develop into a baby.

i can see how some people would think, well, it wasn't even a baby. for that reason my husband and I only explained to family that it was a blighted ovum, b/c they were as sad as we were. to everyone else, we just said what it was - a miscarriage.

If you decide not to talk to her, at least you can talk to us and we are here for you to vent.

Noel's girl · 03-14-2005, 07:13 PM

Thank you all so much, I hate knowing that other people had to actually go through the pain that I went through but I am glad that you are all here so we can talk about it with one another, and we all understand. I think I will have to say something to her, I will not be mean about it but I will just ask her out of respect, just not to say anything about me anymore because I heard that she has been telling people information that they do not need to know. Thank you all for letting me vent. It is getting somewhat easier, I guess. It has been two weeks since my miscarriage and some patients still do not know about the miscarriage so when they come in they ask and I get upset, and some if go as far as to ask well how far were you, when did it happen. I know they are concerned but all I can usually mutter out is that I had a miscarriage, if I have to talk about it any further than that, that is usually when I start crying. Thank you again for the advice and the time to read my post.

kierrasmommy · 03-14-2005, 07:26 PM

Sorry about your loss. I agree that she was out of line. What happened is your business and personal and she had no right going and speaking with others about it. Makes you wonder, if she spoke to your sister about it, who else has she spoken to? I agree with you and would speak to her in a professional manner. And just explain that you heard that she has been discussing your situation with others and would prefer to limit that portion of your life to a SELECT minority of your close friends and relatives and prefer that she not discuss it further with anyone else. And depending on how you feel maybe you could make a side note that regardless of the sac being empty, there was conception and all the symptoms of pregnancy that any other woman would go through so in your eyes and many of your CLOSE friends eyes, (think she'll get the hint?) you did lose a baby...empty sac or not. I am with you on this. I know how hard it is to lose a pregnancy and noone should be telling you otherwise. Goodluck hun. Take care. (((HUGS)))