natfoster

in october of last year at 43 weeks pregnant i became concerned at no movement form my very very active baby boy. i had called my doctor to only hear the same thing over and over do not come in until your contractions are staedy three minutes apart. i had been having contractions for days and not braxton hicks, howevre they were erradic and being a firts time mom i assumed my obstetrician knew what he was talking about when he said dont come in. when i went in for my check up a week after the contractions began, they continued to assure me that i was overreacting and that when i am really in labor i will know. even though i had been telling then i am REALLY in labor. but then when my ob went to listen for the beart beat, he was searching and couldnt find it... well my thinking was im 43 weeks nothings gonna happen now besides my baby is so active there have been times before when it took a minute to find it but then he would and it would be beating loud and strong. it was when he asked me to get up completelyy undressed an justw rap the little paper blanket around myself to go to the ultrasound room that i began to worry. so i began thinking that my baby is in some sort of distress okay they'll do c-section. only to lay down and he the worst words ever, "is your husband in the lobby?", my heart sank iand i couldn't breathe, and before my husband could come in i asked if his herat was beating and he told me no. i immediately began to freak out there is no way anyone could comprehend that this was it this is the end theres nothing that could be done... i didn't want to accept it. i was then sent home with my dead son still in my tummy, only to go the whole noght knowing that tomorrow i will give birth to a baby that i will never hear cry. 7 am the next day i check in, after hours and hours of labor i delivered at 4:43. before this i never thought i could hold anything dead let alone a child. but i tell you the second that veautiful baby boy touched my arm i broke down, he was perfect literally he had no problems and i had no problems nothing was wrong just a "freak accident" as the doctors said. i have yet to take down his nursery, and i go in there often, i have all his foot and handprints, as well as lock of hair in a keepsake box by my bed along with his pictures, he was 7lbs. 6oz. and 20 1/2 inches long. its so painful knowing that by the time i delivered he had only been dead for about three days, so would i have been allowed to come in he might very well be here today. i will say literally i know its not my fault but any mother is going to blame herslef and there isnt too much that can change that nobody knows what we literally go through, nobody knows how we felt evry, kick, every hiccup, every herat beat we heard... and the endless dreams we had, theat now feel like they are gone forever. our bbaies are part of us until the day we die, and it is so difficult to get rid of the idea that "i was supposed to go first". i know this was a long long post. and i dont expect anyone to read it, i just needed someone to talk to and nobodys here so i expressed them this way. i would never want anyone to go through this, and if anyone is reading this in a similar ituation i want you to knnow that i am here and i understand.