An emotional mess - Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

ScaredyKat · 04-13-2005, 12:25 AM

I wandered over from the Panic Disorder board. I think my miscarriage is what led to my severe anxiety and panic to begin with. Seems like my life has been in a downward spiral since my 2 year journey into fertility treatments only to miscarry my first pregnancy in December 2002. I just can't get past it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't cry every day anymore. I work and begrudgingly seem to be a contributing member of society, although I no longer participate in social activities. But I do feel like my life is over, and now I have to figure out what's going to bring me joy and fulfillment for the rest of my life. Sans children. Not that I can't have any children...who knows, maybe I could go on to have them. But the thought of trying again and having another miscarriage and the tremendous loss that I would feel is just too much for me to bear. For my own sanity, I feel like I have to write the whole thing off. I just don't think I can handle putting myself in that position again. I can't imagine living through another miscarriage.

This whole thing makes me feel like such a freak, even among other women who have had miscarriages -- although I find that most women who try to encourage me are those who had miscarriages AFTER they already had a child. Can I just say to all of those women: If you have a child to begin with, you DO NOT KNOW HOW THIS FEELS. I'm so bitter it's disgusting. I've become the most hateful person because of this. Seriously - my broken spirit is hanging by a thread. Everything in life seems completely pointless.

I admire the women who can move past it, and I wish that I were that strong. I don't expect any readers to make it to this point, but if you're here...thanks for listening to me vent.

tamaraheiner · 04-13-2005, 12:26 PM

I'm really sorry for your experience. My biggest fear after my miscarriage is that I will never have children. I hope you are able to find peace.

kerry1 · 04-13-2005, 05:58 PM

You don't say how old you are?? It sounds like your body and mind need a good, long REST. See a psychiatrist and a nutritionist and take care of your all-around health. This is not a journey for the faint-hearted. When you try again you'll need to be as strong as possible. I've never had a miscarriage (or kids) but I rarely hear a woman say it was no big deal. It's usually devastating, even if the pregnancy was never viable. So take care of YOU. And I'm praying you have a strong, healthy little rascal in the next few years.

ScaredyKat · 04-13-2005, 10:30 PM

I'm 30. I'm in treatment for my panic disorder and I'm also in counseling for general life situations. Perhaps I should move this topic up to the top of my list at my counseling sessions...but in a sense I'm afraid that if I bring my loss to the forefront of my thinking that it will just compound itself and I'll be right back where I was 2 years ago. But as I type this I realize that it's consuming me anyway. You're right, I've never heard anyone say this is easy. I just feel like this has really taken me down a dark and scary road and I'm completely lost.

I went to a psychiatrist and he just wanted to categorize me into a diagnosis code after 45 minutes, then prescribed meds. I did try the antidepressants after 2 months of coaxing, but had a horrible reaction to them and would rather rationalize my way back to health. I don't want to treat the symptoms. I know I'd be much better off treating the cause of my anguish.

I do need to take care of me, and I'm actually in the process of doing so in a number of ways. It's just extremely uncomfortable and frightening. I worry that I won't make it thru to the other side. Thanks for your thoughts and kind words.

tamaraheiner · 04-14-2005, 12:54 PM

you need to tell your counselor everything you're feelilng. if you don't feel like he's listening or cares about you, tell him that too.

this is treatable...it just might take some time.