No Reason Why - Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Livie · 04-14-2005, 12:17 PM

I had a m/c April 18 2004. I can 't believe it's been a year. I was preg again by the end of May 2004. She was due Feb 21. My preg was wonderful. No problems at all, until I went in for my 37 week check up. We couldn't hear the heartbeat. They did a sono, couldn't find it. Baby was in breech position so we scheduled a c-section next morning. I went home to a dining room full of gifts from the baby shower given for us over the weekend. I was in total shock. I was praying for some miracle that she would be alive when they went in for her. Alyssa Renee was born on Feb 2 at 8:13am. She weighed 5lbs 3oz & was 18 1/2" long. She was so pretty. They said she had died several days before in my womb because her skin had started to peel. There was nothing wrong with the cord. It had a clot in it but the dr said that happens when the heart stops beating. We got to keep her all day & all night (my parents were driving from SC & I wanted them to see their 1st granddaughter). The autopsy report showed nothing. No reason why. Her heart just stop beating. It was 10wks yesterday. I am so consumed in this. I've gone back to work, part-time, but I have a hard time getting out of bed some days. I'm lucky because my boss has gone through the same thing & his wife, 2yrs later, is still crying over the loss of their son. My dr said to wait at least 3mo before getting preg again. I can't help but think about getting preg again. May 2 will be 3mo. I'm not sure when we will try again. I am scared but I want to be a mother so much. It's all I've ever wanted. I thought I would be a mom by now (29) all my friends are. I feel very empty.

tamaraheiner · 04-14-2005, 12:57 PM

My dear Livie,
My heart goes out to you. This is every woman's worst nightmare, and it is what I fear more than anything.

I can't imagine the heartache you are going thoruhg, the toment when you think of the babyshower, the plans, and the hopes you had. At least you got to see your baby...see the features that were created by you and your husband.

This happened to my mother 26 years ago and she still cries. but she did go on to have four lovely children - i know she didn't stop holding her breath until she held me in her arms.

ASDGRMama · 04-14-2005, 10:06 PM

How incredibly difficult! My heart just aches for you. There is a reason your little angel never took her first breath but it may never become clear. Her precious life was for a purpose even if it was for a short time. Hold onto that. In trying to search out "why?" we sometimes lose sight of what our little jewels did bring. It hurts and it always will but for eight months you loved her (and still do!), nourished her, comforted her, cradled her. You were closer to her than any other mother who holds her baby in her arms.

I know it doesn't make up for the deep deep loss but I have often thought of my five little angels in heaven and the precious little ones I wouldn't have had I carried the others to term. Of course at the time I could only think of the little one I lost and didn't want a "different baby". Now, I couldn't imagine life without my darlings. None of them would be who they are had I carried my angels to term.

As much as I wanted to comfort my crying babies, help them up when they fell, put a bandage on their owies I can't help but find a touch of solace knowing that they will be spared from all the hurts of life and yet they are missing out on none of the joys. They will never lack or have need, they will forever enjoy heaven waiting for Mama, Daddy, brothers and sisters to join them someday.

A day will come when you have your daughter's sweet arms wrapped around you. This deeply touches me and I'm crying as I type this. I was only at the beginning of my pregnancy but I miscarried Monday; my fifth loss and my third since November (I had a 4 month loss November 11th; a son, Asher Nathaniel). I can't imagine the depth of your sadness and the feelings of emptiness in your heart.

I don't know what heaven is like but I often wonder if there is a sweet spot where all the babies go and I think that God must visit there often to cradle them in his arms.

Our hearts may be breaking and it may feel like they'll never heal but they will and when they do there will not be an ugly scar to remind us of love lost but a beautiful room where our love for our children will always live. Our hearts will only grow bigger and stronger.

I am so very very sorry.

Love and Prayers, Kelly

Livie · 04-14-2005, 11:33 PM

thank you for your kind words & prayers. I am very happy to have found this site. My family has suggested seeing a grieving counselor but I have a hard time talking face to face. I have a hard time doing this. And in my heart I know my girl is safe & in a wonderful place. And I do look forward to my future babies. I feel guilty for already thinking about getting pregnant again. But I have faith in God & knows he has a plan for me.

tamaraheiner · 04-15-2005, 02:29 PM

keep your faith, Livie

and don't feel bad for wanting to get pregnant again. i felt the same way...asap. (Hasn't happened yet).

of course God has a plan for you and for your precious child
Oh Livie don't forget that