dark day today - Miscarriage & Still Birth Message Board

Hope2Heal · 04-17-2005, 05:40 PM

HI

I lost my baby boy, Patrick on Jan. 11 2005. He was born and died in the same moment. As 3 months have progressed I have also suffered from medical problems such as blood clots in my leg(rare) and ruptured ovarian cyst and have been in and out of hospitals/doctors offices. It did force me to find a new OB/GYN since my old ones have made some bad mistakes. She is helping me stimulate my period to come with progesterone. Also she is looking into any connection between my blood clots and the blood clots found in the placenta which killed my precious boy.

Today and this whole weekend I am feeling down. So sad. so empty. Hard to even enjoy the beautiful spring weather. I planted a bed of blue forget me nots in his honor and the honor of other people i am in touch with online who have lost their babies.

I went through the chest of baby clothes today and cried as i unfolded each one and felt my dreams dissapear with each yellow duck and tonka truck.

I have to wait at least until sept to try and get pregnant due to taking coumadin for the clots, it can cause birth defects. Also had a c-section so they suggest waiting 6 months. now if i have a clot disorder that could mean big problems for me and another pregnancy. I am so scared, sad and depressed right now.

I really don't know what I expect people to say when I tell them this. Nothing can help. I am not much of a religious person so "God has his plan" doesn't bring me much comfort. I do believe good things can happen from bad experiences but do not believe these things were planned in advance. IT seems everyone around me is very religious and that is always their answer, Trust in God or we will pray for you. I respect other peoples rights to their beliefs, yet these things do not make me feel better.

Is there anyone out there who understands what I am saying? I am not trying to offend anyone, just feel alone in my grief.

Thanks for listening.

hope2heal

ASDGRMama · 04-17-2005, 08:56 PM

I know what you mean. I AM a chrisitian but even I quite often am not comforted by the fact that "God has a plan" in all of this. The fact is these things were NOT planned in advance. It is tragic and a result of living in world where bad things happen. I do not understand why.

Sadness, hurt and loss are universal yet it's almost impossible to know what to say to a grieving person. There is nothing anyone can say to ease such sadness. I'm glad that others care and are offering their support and concern in the best way they know how. I appreciate their intentions but it doesn't take away the sadness and hurt.

I can't even imagine how difficult it has all been for you. I hope you are able to feel supported and encouraged here. You are not alone in your grief even though at times it seems to be a very lonely place. No one will be able to understand fully what you are going through. We all grieve differently but we all do grieve.

Are you being tested for a clotting disorder currently? Many women go on to have healthy pregnancy outcomes even with clotting disorders. You have a 75% chance of having a healthy pregnancy with some of the more common clotting disorders. The statisitics are in your favor. I know it will be an anxious time for you though.

I desperately want to enjoy my pregnancies but I have a hard time getting attached since I don't want to be disappointed. When my daughter was born it didn't sink in that I was having a baby until she was in my arms and for several days after she was born I would wake up to her in the morning lying next to me and having the reality wash over me again (this was my fifth baby so it's not as if having a baby was new to me but her preg was preceded by a miscarriage; my second loss).

I delivered my son at 19 weeks (died at 17 weeks) in November and have since lost two more babies (one this week). I have also had ongoing problems (hoping to be investigated for a clotting disorder). I bleed from my period until ovulation (about three weeks) every cycle. Some days I wonder if I'll ever have another baby. I've been told that why can't I just be happy with the five little gems I have. You know, I am extremely happy that I have them which is why I desire adding another little treasure to our home. I am 28 and have had 10 pregnancies; half of my babies are with me the other half are not. Nothing can take away how desperately I long to hold the five that are gone.

My heart aches for you.

Love, Kelly

Hope2Heal · 04-18-2005, 04:23 PM

HI kelly

Thank you for taking that time to reply. I am also very sorry for your recent losses. It must be a wonderful feeling having a healthy live child after loosing a baby. It is stories like that that keep me going, and give me hope that I may have another one. You are right, we live in a world where bad things happen. Sometimes there are not acceptable answers. If you have any more info on clotting disorders, I would be interested to hear.
hope2heal