I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
I had a miscarriage 8/24. I delivered my baby at home. He came out fully intact with 10 fingers, 10 toes. Holding him in my hand and looking at him deceased (dr says I was between 16-20 weeks pregnant) has been the hardest part of it all. I had only begun digesting that I was even pregnant.
My son was born last December. I took the depo shot once. I had horrible side effects and have known something is wrong inside of me for several months. Never did I suspect pregnancy. I can't really believe that I had no symptoms. Only when I tried to go to the dr about my female problems did they instruct me to take a home test first, which confirmed pregnancy. I went to the local health dept and they confirmed it, also. I hadn't even been in to see my dr yet when this happened.
I lost a lot of blood and went into shock by the time I got to the hospital. They did a d&c and I had to recieve blood. All of the physical aspects I can handle. But holding my dead baby has just been too much on me physically. I will never forget it. When his little fingers hugged my finger when I placed his hands in front of him I just lost it. I took care of the baby before I sought help.
Has anyone gone through the trauma of seeing the baby and being roughly as far as me? I never pictured a miscarriage as happening the way it happened to me. As I said, I had only begun accepting that I was pregnant. According to the dates I should have still been protected by the depo shot at that time. I keep thinking that may have had a part in what was wrong? I know I'll never know, but it hurts so bad.
Any words of wisdom or advice would be most appreciated. Thanks for listening.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
i am so sorry for this terrible thing you have experienced and are going to now have to deal with. I do not have experience of a late m/c and so cannot help you with your specific circumstances, however, I am sure that you are going to need a huge amount of support to get through the next few weeks and months. If you do not have a kind and patient partner, or a close family then please please get some additional help. You will always find support on this board but you may need to work through this with a professional, I don't know if that seems right to you, I can only tell you my own feelings. Even if you have people supporting you it can sometimes be difficult for those who have not experienced the exact same thing to understand your need to grieve, for as long as you feel it necessary. Time and time again on this board you will come across people who feel they are expected to "move on" before they are ready. I do understand your feelings of loss, I have experienced it myself and I sent you all my best wishes and deepest sympathy, but please do not be afraid to ask for all the help you need. thinking of you, kelly.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
I saw my baby. I was 26 weeks. Even though I was in a hospital I was so scared with everything going on. I was told when the doctors where trying to get him to breathe he bit one of their fingers. It was really hard when I held him and he went to the bathroom in his clothes; by then he was already gone. He took his last breathe in his daddy’s arms. So that is something I try to look at, he wasn’t alone with strangers. Somebody who loved him as much as I did was there to take care of him on his journey home. That’s what you did. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It tugs at my heart. And right now you are thinking all kinds of things. You don’t ever think you will get to the light, but you will. . I haven’t completely made it there yet myself, but I know its there. Right now I know you are feeling some very raw pain. Yes it hurts and its going to hurt for a while but just remember before you can get better it will get harder. Everybody was telling me “with time you will heal,” but it seemed with me the more time the harder it was and the deeper the pain was getting. I tell you with everything I’ve been through it’s nothing like losing a child. Turn those thoughts you have of losing your child into memories you made with your child. Your baby hugged you good-bye but they are always with you. I hope this helps some.
I've been emotional today. It's a week now. I keep thinking that today makes a week that my baby died. I know it will take time and I know it must get better, but wow... I feel so much sadness right now. Others have said that I was lucky to get to hold my angel, to say goodbye. I try to look at it that way. His little fingers hugging me was bittersweet. I'll never forget those moments. I just wish he didn't have to leave this earth so soon. I'll always wonder wheat his little personality would have been like. I miss the joy I know we would have had with him. I'm so sorry he's gone.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew how to help you. I was told that my baby died on Aug 24th and had to have a d and c the next day. The thought of never holding my child kills me. I hope that it comforts you to know that your baby was held in your loving arms and that can never be taken from you. You will share those special moments of physical contact with your baby and believe me, your baby knows what love is because of it. God bless you and may he be with you and let you know that you did what you could do for your little one. You'll be in my prayers.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
Hello, I held my little one after she was still born at 20 wks. They are sad memories, but sweet just the same. She was my precious baby. Those first several weeks are a blur. The pain was so intense and it was all I could see. But slowly I started to feel better and learned how to carry on. I'm not the same and never will be, but I can function now. I still cry for her on occasion and I think of her all the time. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Pam
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
Thank you. I visited my baby's grave yesterday and cried my eyes out. I'm still instantly crying every time the thought of losing him enters my mind. Thank you all for sharing and for your well wishes. I wish nobody ever had to go through this pain. It is so intense. Nothing compares.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
I could never imagine having a miscarrige at that far along. I also had a miscarriage but was not nearly that far along though. Like you I was on the Depo shot so when I missed my period I didn't think twice about it. My doctor had said my periods would stop. I didn't have any symptoms either. I didn't even know I was pregnant till I miscarried. I think that was probably easier. It has been a 1 & 1/2 years it still hurts when I think about it. I am sorry for your loss. Time does help though.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
I could never imagine having a miscarrige at that far along. I also had a miscarriage but was not nearly that far along though. Like you I was on the Depo shot so when I missed my period I didn't think twice about it. My doctor had said my periods would stop. I didn't have any symptoms either. I didn't even know I was pregnant till I miscarried. I think that was probably easier. It has been a 1 & 1/2 years it still hurts when I think about it. I am sorry for your loss. Time does help though.
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
Thanks everyone for your replies. I always thought of a miscarriage being something almost microscopic. Holding your real baby is quite a different story, that's for sure. It's hard to describe unless you've been there.
Last edited by moderator2; 09-15-2006 at 06:08 AM.
Reason: do not post poems, as per the posting rules
Re: I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically
Hello. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and may GOD be with you in this time of need. I understand completely what you are going through. 8/20/00 5:25am, I lost my son at 22 weeks from an incompetent cervix. They were going to insert an emergency cerclage, but from being dialated, I got an infection and was septic, so keeping the baby would have been toxic for the both of us. He was only 1 lb. 1.8 oz of pure beauty. I want to be honest with you that the pain NEVER goes away, but you will be able to make it through the day without crying every time you see a pregnant woman or a baby. I have pictures and his receiving blanket and from time to time, I look at them, smell them and I love that I have something that he once touched. I had him cremated and I have his ashes in a cross that I wear faithfully, so I never go through a single day without feeling him near me. Such a short moment, he was there, but he made on impression on me, that will last a lifetime. I always find comfort in a quote that I read in the book that they give you at the hospital "May you find comfort in knowing, that your baby never experienced anything but LOVE." I hope that can give you comfort also. I pray that God helps you through this time and helps you to realize that maybe your baby was needed for bigger things. I'm sure your baby has already been fitted for wings. God bless you and your beautiful child. My heart is with you and I hope that my son was there to welcome your baby at the gates of heaven. One day at a time. . . .
I'm having a hard time dealing with my loss psychologically 
